Shenanigoats

Journey is the greatest band in the world...Part 2

2007-03-21T10:11:00.000-05:00

Whew...what a week. Pardon my absence, but as most know, I've been swept up in this crazy dance fever. Saturday was probably one of the greatest days of basketball in the history of March Madness. All close games...and all not going with what I picked. Alas, my bracket chose to stop believing...and it really didn't hold on to any feelings at all. So, without any further ado, let's look at more Journey gear that whips some ass.

1) Journey VCR Tape
Well, it's nothing special. Duh, Journey has tapes of it's concerts. What struck me about this item was the setting and ambiance around the tape itself. Using some colorful sugar jars...classic. This totally smells of a 40 year old housewife who, unbeknowst to the hubby, used to be a nasty Journey groupie. Who know lives a lie as a she strains to break through her seemingly innocent facade of a suburban housewife and be what she truly is....a hardened 80's groupie. Either that, or some crazed militiaman who's living in a log cabin. And his only two earthly pleasure are Journey...and sugar. Seriously, where the fuck was this picture taken??

2) Journey Coasters

Now THIS is badass. I actually put a bid into this, but lost at $53.00 to Sherry89949 from Amherst, Mass. These are coasters that are in the shapes of all of Journey's albums. I don't care who are, that screams awesomeness. And, it's probably a kickass chick magnet and a handy ice breaker....if you bring it to parties with you.....sigh. Another one of my great plans foiled by reasonableness and common sense. Well, it's still awesome and I would have loved to have won the bid. I mean, when I'm at home rocking out to Journey and sipping on some scotch, I can place the glass on the appropriate album (probably Escape). Very zen.

3) Journey concert poster

Pure beauty. The Outfield is pretty awesome, too. For those unfamiliar, they sang the great opus "Your Love". Or as it's more popularly known as "I don't wanna lose your love..toniiiiight." But anywho, those are 3 beautiful men with great, flowy and fluffy-puffy hair. I'm assuming Steve Perry is the one in the middle. I'm not exactly sure. That's usually not a good sign for the artist. If you wanna analyze it like the cover of Beatles albums, I guess you could say that they are Three Wise Men, and maybe the airplane flying is like the Star of Bethlemhem. Or maybe it's an omen that they shouldn't fly. Imagine if their plane went down like Lynyrd and the dude who sang La Bamba......sniff

4)Journey Song Book

There's really nothing needed to say other than the title: Don't Stop Believin': The Steve Perry Anthology - 18 Classics from the Former Lead Vocalist of Journey (1978-1987). Boo. Yah.

5) Journey Neon Bar Light

Again, another item that I would totally rock out in my pad if I could afford it. That would look perfect next to my Miller High Life barrel and my Papst painting. IF I could only grow a mullet and trade in my car for a t-top Trans Am, I'd be totally set to dominate any small country town south of the Mason-Dixon.

6) Journey Bumper Sticker
Let that tail-gater know the real reason why you're driving 35 in the left lane. You don't want to be here. If only you could tell them where you'd rather be.

7) Journey Ticket Stubs

Sigh. I guess this would be awesome for 2 reasons. 1) You were actually at that concert and for some reason that totally escapes me, you must prove that you were really there. 2) To try to pick up chicks. As in when you buy them a drink/dinner/hairspray, casually open up the wallet and let those babies "fall" out. Viola. Knock some boots to the strains of "Faithfully."

Now as a disclaimer, you most definitely need to either take your socks off...or be ready to lose them as these final two items will be the shiz-nit. Hell, they might even knock your pants off....or a skirt...or tight black dress-pants that chicks shouldn't wear around in the office when I'm trying to concentrate. Ooops....TMI

8) Journey Video Game

You read that right, son. How many other bands can claim that they have had their own video game? Available for the Atari AND Sears' Tele-Games Video Arcade. Did Elvis have a game? Did the Beatles? Did Michael Jackson? Oh wait...scratch that. But, irregardless, the list goes on about bands/singers withOUT their own fucking game. But, just to give a taste of it....this is Steve Perry in the game:

The point of the game is almost..well...it's like Frogger. And instead of trucks, cars and etc, you are avoiding crazy (aka fatties) groupies, sleazy agents and general ill-wishers. The goal? Reach the Scarab-mobile as seen in the above-referenced neon bar sign. Please...PLEASE click this link and watch the commercial...with sound.

http://www.journey-tribute.com/journey/resources/multimedia/atari.rm

Can't get enough? Me neither. Go HERE and check out more. They even give you instructions on how to download and play the game. Be still, my beating heart. Because...there's more.

9) Journey Arcade Game

Come the FUCK on. There's no doubt now that Journey has got to be the greatest band ever. I can only think of the Moonwalker himself who's had a home AND arcade game. Wait, do the Ninja Turtles count? They did do the Ninja Rap with Vanilla Ice. Anyways, there's really not much more I can say about how awesome Journey is, so I'll leave you to bask in their awesomeness with the full ad that was sent out to arcade owners world wide. Click on them for a gander and a good read. Enjoy, and don't stop believin'.

Journey is the greatest band in the world....Part 1

2007-03-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

First off, that's an obviously "duh" statement. There's really no questioning the awesomeness of a Steve Perry-led band that manages to cross generational gaps with their awesomeness. Hands down, they are probably single-handedly responsible for the fall of the Berlin Wall, the creation of the Internet and nuclear power, as all three were created as means to be able to better listen to Journey. Secondly, it's been too darn long that the handsome visage of Steve Perry has graced us with his presence. So, on a slow day at work, here are the delightfully awesome Journey/Steve Perry related items that are available to purchase on eBay. Also, it is suggested that that average person cannot handle the mind-blowing awesomeness of all this Journey gear; my advice is to pace yourself and take sips of water as you progress towards the coup de grace at the end. This will have to be a two-parter as even I, an experienced Journey-phile, cannot continue to be inundated with such cromulent images without taking a break. Today, we'll just tackle the articles that you can wear....

1) Steve Perry Earrings

Awesomeness. Now you can be at any party and hear "Wow Linda! Those Steve Perry earrings REALLY match your shoes!" And, they will go totally great with the.....

2) Steve Perry Pin

This will come in handy when Steve runs for President in '12. The myriad possibilities of using "Don't Stop Believing" in his ads, taglines and even debates is just hilariously awesome.

3) Journey Necklace
Wait, there's more! Compliment your earrings and pin with this snazzy necklace! Made from the guitar pick of Journey's oldest member, Neal Schon. But he's no Steve Perry. I guess the most logical object to make a necklace out of would be a guitar pick. I'll be impressed when it's a necklace with a lock of Steve Perry's hair on it. Or a vial of his man-juice. *Shudders*

4) Steve Perry Dogtag

I'm at a loss of words for the sheer spectacularity of this. Expert craftmanship. Attention to details. I mean, if you're in the trenches and under fire, who else would you rather have hanging around your neck and close to your heart?

5)Journey Sleeveless T-Shirt

Pretty standard and tame. I was just very disturbed by the androgynous person wearing said shirt In what appears to be Confederate flag wallpaper. Moving on...

6) Journey Rhinestone Studded Shirt

For when you have a wedding or some other fancy event to attend, why don't you put on the good shirt with them diamonds on them??? From the actual eBay auction page:

Swarovksi t-shirt Top Shirt
*NEW*
Medium
The pictures do not do the crystals justice.
They are high quality stones imported from Austria.

Don't believe them???? Well here's a close-up.

That's right people...from fucking AUSTRIA!!

7) Journey Baby Shirt

I really can't look at this without laughing. Based on the auction site, it's a baby shirt for those kids who want to start out early in their love of Journey. All I can say is that I can totally picture the Kang family portrait where we are all sporting the above-described gear. And yes, I would TOTALLY shell out the big bucks so my woman can have diamonds from Austria that spell out Journey. Ladies....no pushing and shoving....you know where to find me....

8) Steve Perry Cigarette Case

Now this one is something that I would actually consider buying. Never mind the fact that my earlier attempts of using a cigarette case to attract the wimmenfolk didn't work too well.

Me: Cigarette, madam?
Chick: Sure....
Me: (clumsily trys to snap open cig. case....all cigs fall out and onto the bar floor)
Chick:.....
Me: Well, I don't think THIS one fell in anything wet.
Chick: Fuck off...

But, with Steve Perry as a wingman, I don't see how I could fail. Even IF I am a clumsy asshole:

Me: Cigarette?
Chick: Thanks.
Me: (whips out the Steve Perry cig holder)
Chick: WOW!....LET'S FUCK!
Me: Naw, babe....

Hmm...somehow that didn't go like how I imagined. Stupid Me. Anywho, check back later for the collectibles that feature Journey and Steve Perry. If you can handle it. As I was writing this post, somewhere between the faux "Journey is fucking the best" act and actually seeing what people sold, I'm disillusioned with society as a whole. Sure, Journey is a pretty good band...but come on people.....Steve Perry earrings? If any of you readers out there actually would wear that shit...well....you know my number....ladies. =)

Asian supremacists...

2007-02-27T20:13:00.000-05:00

Normally, I try not to get too serious and etc on this blog. It's s'posed to be teh funny. But, once in a well, my proverbial goat is gotten. Got a forward from a "friend" with these articles attached. I'm not sure if it was more so for my entertainment or more so a "watch yer back...you sell-out piece of shit." I'm ashamed that this Azn Power thing actually is slowly catching on in big cities on the coasts. First off, I'm not saying that us Asian-American types should just roll over and be walking stereotypes. But, then again, I stick with the mantra that if you can't laugh at yourself, then you can't laugh at anything. In my mind, me doing something stereotypical such as speaking in a bad Chinese accent is really no different than some white guy putting on a thick southern accent or perhaps one of y'all I-talian types giving it a big "mama-mia...that's a spicy meat-a-ball!" Lighten up, folks. Anywho, a little background info on the source of the articles. They are from "asianweek.com", which is an Asian newspaper billed as the "voice of Asian-Americans" printed out west (big surprise). The author, Kenneth Eng, is an early 20's writer from...surprise...New York University. All I can say is that if saying y'all, loving some 'Bama football and white wimmens...and laughing at Data and Ducky is wrong...then I don't wanna be right. Rant over.

Why I Hate Asians

Kenneth Eng, Jan 12, 2007

It seems like an odd title for an article written by an Asian Supremacist, but there are very good reasons why I hate many of my own kind.

The first thing I hate about Asians in America is how so many of them want to suck up to whites. I have had fistfights and verbal altercations with many who discriminated against me and my people. Sadly, however, the Asians who witness or hear about these battles often hate me for being "hypocritical," and tell me that "two wrongs don’t make a right." Do these sycophants think it’s "cool" to mindlessly side with whites and blacks? Is it not enough that we have to fight against discrimination? Now we have to fight amongst ourselves as well?

The second thing I hate about Asians is how little pride most of them have. This may be the result of societal brainwashing, but whatever the cause, it must stop. I am repulsed when I see Asian guys speak with British accents in an attempt to sound sophisticated. British people can’t be all that sophisticated if they don’t yet understand the concept of dental hygiene. I am also sickened when I hear Asian people imitate Negro slang in an endeavor to sound "ghetto." Am I supposed to be impressed that such a person emulates the attitude of a supposed slum resident? More importantly, whatever happened to being yourself?

The third thing I hate about Asians is how apathetic many of them are in terms of honor these days. If I saw an Asian being stereotyped in a movie theater, I would immediately stand up and shout incessantly at the screen so that none of the white audience members could enjoy the film. When I saw a white man yelling at an old Asian woman a few months ago, I walked up to him and hollered slurs right back in his Aryan face. But most other Asians, I am disappointed to say, would rather just chuckle at their own stereotypes on screen and ignore the problems of their brethren. At the risk of sounding corny, whatever happened to the days of the samurai? When honor meant more than life? Whatever happened to the age of Sun Tzu when we used to kick ass?

Don’t get me wrong. I love the Asian race, but every race has its inferiors.

Proof That Whites Inherently Hate Us
Kenneth Eng, Nov 24, 2006

White people hate us and will always hate us. Here is a simple list of evidence, going from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

1. How many American films feature Asian heroes who are not stereotyped?
2. If someone makes a negative comment about a black person, all of the whites get hopping mad. Make a negative comment about the Asian race and nobody cares.
3. Most Asians know that everywhere we go, white/black/Hispanic people hurl racist remarks at us. I have already received about 10 racist remarks in the past three months and I have only been out of my home a handful of times.
4. In 1982, Vincent Chin was killed by two white people, Michael Nitz and Ronald Ebens. Both murderers went free, as the judge claimed that they were not the type of people who deserved to be in prison.
5. Chai Vang righteously killed six white people after they approached him with guns first. Unlike the “men” who murdered Vincent Chin, brave Mr. Vang was sentenced to life.
6. Asian civil rights activities receive virtually no media attention. Yet Rosa Parks was pretty much honored as a hero just because she refused to give up her seat. This is curious because Vincent Chin died to defend his race. Why hasn’t he been given an award?It is quite naïve to think that all of this can be explained by claiming that whites are not “enlightened” or that whites lack awareness of our issues. It is even more immature to think that things will get better if only we continue to protest peacefully through lame marches and letters to the producers of (insert any American TV show here). Animals, through evolution, are intrinsically developed to detest organisms that are different; the obvious reason being that conformity to a certain level increases the chances of a species’ survival. Since humans are part of the animal kingdom, it should be no surprise that whites have evolved to hate Asians, who have a strikingly different appearance than them.

Furthermore, we do live in an age where “political correctness” and anti-racism are in vogue. Why then, are there virtually no Asian heroes in the media? This is solid proof that we are enemies in the eyes of the Aryans. If even in an epoch where equality is an important matter they still do not treat us as equals, then what hope is there that they will ever treat us equally?

More importantly, why should we care? We vastly outnumber them. When you have a disobedient child, you do not give him gifts to make him abide to your will. You show him the cane.

And here's the kicker...this is the one that's got San Francisco all in a tizzy.

Why I Hate Blacks

Kenneth Eng, Feb 23, 2007

Here is a list of reasons why we should discriminate against blacks, starting from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

• Blacks hate us. Every Asian who has ever come across them knows that they take almost every opportunity to hurl racist remarks at us.

In my experience, I would say about 90 percent of blacks I have met, regardless of age or environment, poke fun at the very sight of an Asian. Furthermore, their activity in the media proves their hatred: Rush Hour, Exit Wounds, Hot 97, etc.

• Contrary to media depictions, I would argue that blacks are weak-willed. They are the only race that has been enslaved for 300 years. It's unbelievable that it took them that long to fight back.

On the other hand, we slaughtered the Russians in the Japanese-Russo War.

• Blacks are easy to coerce. This is proven by the fact that so many of them, including Reverend Al Sharpton, tend to be Christians.

Yet, at the same time, they spend much of their time whining about how much they hate "the whites that oppressed them."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Christianity the religion that the whites forced upon them?

• Blacks don't get it. I know it's a blunt and crass comment, but it's true. When I was in high school, I recall a class debate in which one half of the class was chosen to defend black slavery and the other half was chosen to defend liberation.

Disturbingly, blacks on the prior side viciously defended slavery as well as Christianity. They say if you don't study history, you're condemned to repeat it.

In high school, I only remember one black student ever attending any of my honors and AP courses. And that student was caught cheating.

It is rather troubling that they are treated as heroes, but then again, whites will do anything to defend them.

Sigh..

Dreams

2007-02-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

First off, no, this is not a post railing against the travesty that is Van Hagar. I don't care if you make tasty, tasty tequila Sammy, you stink as the lead singer of Van Halen. Way to go in ruining another attempt at reuniting. Boooo Sammy! Anyways, before I go off on a rant, this post is about the sweet nothings that the Sandman whispers into your mind as you sleep. Or sometimes, when you're in a conference cal or eating a chicken dinner. Often, dreams are just a random assortment of whatever happens to be on your mind. Which, in the case of males...sex. But, on those rare nights where dreams aren't filthy and confusingly juvenile, we get some awesomeness. Dreams like where I walked in on a tryout and became a standout cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens. That dream was probably because I was playing Madden 06 all night and doing those stupid cornerback drills. Or like that time I dreamt that I was stuck in a building during a Godzilla attack. I forget how I got away, but irregardless, I was one of those scared Asians running in the streets and screaming. Other awesome dreams can include ones where you are just hanging out with the most random of people. Like the time I was driving to go to somewhere and in the car was Avril Lavigne and my best friend from UAB. And we got in a wreck b/c I drove off a bridge. Again, armchair psychologists could have a field day with dreams. But, one of the things that rules is when you see things in real life that you would have NEVER been able to dream about. In this case, I present the following evidence of why dreams, in the end, pale in comparison to the world as we know it.

Exhibit A:

So, I enjoy Star Wars. I think Princess Leia is pretty hot. And, obviously, Chewie kicked major ass, even if it was gay that he hung out with Yoda in the trash known as Star Wars Episodes I, II and III. I also love baseball. Yet, never in my most influenced stages have I ever thought about the possibility of taking a pitch from Chewie. Or that Chewie would be a southpaw? Or that Princess Leia would be somehow cheering him on? Madness! This picture shows why you should not use drugs when you are thinking of a promotion. I'm not sure how many kids that day were traumatized by a site of Wookie hurling a baseball. But, from all reports, Chewie did throw a wicked curveball for a strike. He'll probably be the first pitcher taken in my fantasy draft.

Exhibit B:

For the unaware or uninitiated, Journey is the best band in the world with Steve Perry. Without Steve Perry's magical lock of hair and the gift from God known as his voice, this world would be one of pain, misery and desolation. Anywho, it's been scientifically proven that if you listen to "Don't Stop Believing", your sperm count will increase...and if you're a female, it relieves cramping. But, the song also will rock thy socks off. But, what happens if you were to combine it with a shitty QB who gets way too much credit and a man responsible for teaching me all that I know about discipline? Well, let's try some math. Heck, I'm Chinese, so trust me with my math skills.....

+ X
=

That's right. Awesomeness. Don't believe me? Well watch for yourself...and tell me that you are not blown away. It's a bit slow at the beginning, but just wait. And if you aren't pumping at least ONE of your body parts, then you, my friend, may have class and taste....but you have no heart....

My final verdict:
Dreams and Van Hagar are bullshit. Real life rules. And so does Diamond Dave.

Suck on THAT, Hagar!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

2007-02-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

Another Hallmark holiday, another day of finding a tie that corresponds with the holiday color. The time to give flowers, candy and stuffed animals in the office so as to rub it into the face of the other unloved workers. It's always fun to sit in the breakroom and hear the gossip of others bitch about how so-and-so got flowers. I give a hearty "harumph" to that nonsense. Y'all American girls have it easy. You get to sit back and get gifts. Seems that the marketing execs in Japan and Korea are a bit better than the ones in the US. Valentine's Day in the Far East has become a much more expensive day:

From Wikipedia:

Thanks to a concentrated marketing effort, Valentine's Day has emerged in Japan and Korea as a day on which women, and less commonly men, give candy, chocolate or flowers to people they like. This has become an obligation for many women. Those who work in offices end up giving chocolates to all their male co-workers, sometimes at significant personal expense.

Take THAT, women. But, alas, it wouldn't be fair to force women to such harsh ways. So, again, the marketing execs in Asia came up with White Day, which is celebrated on March 14. On "White Day", all the men who received presents and gifts reciprocate with white chocolate, marshmellows and the such. Again, those fucking Japs are ingenious, as cheap men are easily rooted out. You can't wait for the Valentine Day shit to go on sale as it's all red; you give out some punk-ass dark chocolate or red candies...well you're gonna be sitting on the floor eating sushi all by yourself.

But, those sneaky execs ain't done. In Korea, they realized that, hey, what about the losers who got zilch? Well, they came up with "Black Day", which is celebrated on April 14. On this day, all the single people in South Korea get together and commiserate their un-dateableness by eating noodles together. Normally, in the US, we don't need a special day alotted to drowning one's loneliness in food and drink; it's a daily occurrence. But I guess those Koreans have a better grip on their psyche. Still, if I lived across the border from Crazy Kim, I guess I too would be focused on living every day to the fullest.

Nyah!!

I'm back baby!!!

2007-02-12T22:12:00.000-05:00

Well, as sure as chicken is might tasty, I reckon that many of y'all have missed my insightful and awesome blog. *crickets chirping* Fine, so my posts have sucked. But, I have taken a two/three week sabbatical to recharge my batteries. Just like George, it's like I've tasted the proverbial mango, and I'm BACK BABY!!! Will it work? Who knows, but the point is that Bert and and goat are having some good times. And, honestly, if an asshole like Bert can have a good time, them I'm sure, fellow readers, that we can have a good time, too. So, let's kick this shiznit off with a bang.

Things that piss me off:

1) People named Jonathan, James, Richard, Robert and William.
I'll admit, it's based somewhat on jealousy. My name is Victor. The most you could do with it is either go with Vic...or do what every jerkface in elementary...middle...high....and...sigh..college did...call me Vicki/Victoria. People named Richard and Robert have a MILLION options. It's no fucking fair. I mean...let's just take a gander:
Richard - Rick, Ricky, Dick, Dicky, Rich, Richie
Robert - Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, Roberto
James - Jim, Jimmy, Jamey, Jimbo
Jonathan - John, Jon, Jack, Johnny
William - Will, Willie, Bill, Billy
Well, I may be stretching a few of them, but still, you are given a name. If your parents wanted to name you Bob, they would have called you Bob! It's Robert DeNiro...not Bobby DeNiro. Hell, where the do you white people come up with Dick from Richard and Jack from John? Bah! My paw named me Kang Herng-Chin, and there's no two ways to pronounce that!
2) Animals who don't accept free food
Technically, I guess, all food is free for animals as they don't technically have a monetary system. But, I mean free as in, I am giving you a piece of my sausage biscuit because I am feeling philanthropic. So the other day, even though it was about...oh say 42 degrees outside, I had to go to an escrow agent to complete a closing. The escrow agent's office opens at 9, I amazingly enough got there early and decided to get some breakfast. Well, their office is in one of those huge towers/business parks where they try to make you forget that you are at a menial job by having those stupid man-made lakes. You know, how they call them "campuses", just because it is located away from downtown and there's a fucking lake/fountain with lots of trees doesn't make it any nicer. Anywho, so in this "campus", the bottom floor of the 40 story building is an in-house cafeteria. Got me a nice sausage biscuit and some grits with sawmill gravy. Decide to sit outside and enjoy the scenery. Truth be told, it's was pretty nice, and yes, it's much better than my view of the Wendy's on Peachtree Street. Anywho, my original point was that animals should accept my free food. There was a couple of ducks and some sparrows (or some sort of songbird). I threw a bit of biscuit here and there (no sausage...I may be generous...but I ain't stupid). Alas, nary a bird partook in my free offerings. I mean, come on...it's bread....your kind lives for that shit! If I recall correctly, when you walk into a flock of birds with a loaf of bread, it's like being in Mardi Gras with a bunch of plastic beads. Bedlam ensues. Boobs......Anywho...it's a helluva lot better tasting than grubs and whatever seeds you'll be eating for lunch. It's like those dogs that bug you like crazy cuz you got some human food. Then when you offer then a piece of your baloney sammich, they turn their nose at you. Baloney, my canine friend, is an amalgam of pork, chicken, beef, zebra and whale. How can you argue against that?

Damn Ingrates!!!

Early Spring Cleaning

2007-01-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

Sure, it's just January, but it's never too early to start. And as a man who'd I work under any day said "Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin and -- yes, I know it’s January, I am not an idiot -- but if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don’t have to do in spring? Anything…" So stick that in your pipe and smoke it! I've noticed that posting humorous entries for my adoring masses is hard to do when you walk around all day grumbling and harrumphing about the fucking cold weather, a seemingly dead-end job, and of course, being the miserable person I normally am. It's hard to get insightful or funny ideas when a day consists of

6;45 Snooze Button
7:00 Wake up
8:00 Wake up officially
8:10 Traffic
9:10 Coffee
12:30 Lunch at desk
7:00 Traffic
7:45 Wendy's value menu, Sam's Choice Coke
9:00 ESPN or Girls Gone Wild commercials
10:00 Cheap scotch
11:00 Sleep

Awesome....while life is probably a BIT more exciting then that, this schedule above has definitely been a reality for more times than necessary. And in my defense, that Girls Gone Wild commercial was only on in the background while I was washing dishes. And no, washing dishes ain't some euphimism for quality alone time. Although, I guess it could be.....if your penis resembles a plate. But let's do some cleaning. Some writing exercise I found online said that you should sit and stare and a blank wall, and just type words as they come to your mind. Kind of like, I dunno, stream of consciousness. And whatever words come out, they are either nuggets of wisdome, or things that you should not ever mention again. Either way, its supposed to be some sort of mental laxative that cleanses out the mind. I personally always thought cheap booze did it...but here goes (pardon the spelling and expletives):

This is stupid...not getting anything done..aste of time...carbon paper tic tacs bruce pearl is a tool...phone sounds like some stupid bird....frozen pizza...florida gators suck...peyton manning's nose...24....Geneva...stupid frencman piss me off...ugly betty...yellow hihgliter...nipply...white noise...white lion...finger bang...ty cobb...malcom x...mullet possiblities...tax returns...pelosi blinks...chapped lips scrabble eggs...starbucks realy annoys me...seinfled's pretty funny...family feud..peterman rules as new host....voice mail...poptarts with forsting...fat people...blumpkin...jessica biel...aloe vera....gateway...lords of rings....pay cingular...staple gun...special k...wheel in the sky...whisky river...sprained ankle...smurfette...huey lewis was pretty fukcing good....make like a tree and leave...jigowats....cooter

Well. That was....interesting. Not sure what, if any use that 2 minutes was, but reading what I've typed..well. Nothing terribly scandalous. To end on a random note:

Long span of nothing

2007-01-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

Well kids, seems I got nothing to say as work has been wooping my ass. So here are some funny pictures that are totally unrelated and will waste some time. This reminds me of those times in middle school where you had to write a 200 page paper and you'd struggle for words. When you could say something like "President Lincoln passed the Emancipation Proclamation" and instead wrote "President Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States of America, passed an executive order dubbed the Emancipation Proclamation, one of the single greatest and boldest acts in history." Way to waste words. In a nutshell, my past few weeks have included going to Medival Times (as seen in Cable Guy) and Styx in concert. Talk about living in the past. Anywho, enjoy these pictures as I promise to recharge my creative batteries (aka "Get stinking drunk on cheap scotch"). And if these pictures offend you..then..well....that's too bad. None are meant in seriousness, just good humor.

This is a real figurine you can purchase on some crazy Catholic website....that kid's got good form in his tackling...but I can't recommend tackling Jesus in any situation...

It's funny cuz it's true....

No caption needed....

BSC National Title Game

2007-01-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

Well, seems that the geniuses that run D-I College Football feel that having a "National Title Game" is a great idea. Feh. Hopefully, this will be the last season in a while that 'Bama won't matter in terms of somehow mucking up the BCS. Anywho, good luck to both Ohio State and Florida b/c in the end, both will be sucking on some Crimson Tide dust. I don't get what I just said. The point is this: Alabama won't suck as bad as we used to anymore. But, as always, in big games, the winner will usually be the one with the coolest mascot. Observe:

Albert E. and Alberta Gator - First off, I give mad kudos the the University of Florida marketing geniuses. Al E. Gator!!! Brilliant!!! But, I do question the necessity to have a female counterpart. First off, we won't even get into the Mickey Mouse bullshit of Al running around with his gator dong showing. Now, granted, I wouldn't want to see a gator hoo-hoo dilly either, so Alberta's mini-skirt is appropriate. I still don't see why they need a male and a female gator. If we see an Al E. Gator, Jr., then the image of those two above humping...well...moving on. I won't even comment on the fact that they are associating with an over-sized, self-stimulating, obviously-drunk tooth with what appears to be a big turd on it's head. Huh? What do you mean your shits don't look blue?

Brutus the Buckeye - Alright, I know almost everybody south of the Mason-Dixon always asks "What the fuck is a buckeye?". To make a boring story short, a buckeye is a tree found in Ohio. Exciting. As for good ol' Brutus, he's just a big-ass nut. I really have nothing of substance to say about Brutus. He's got on pants, so this Nut's nuts won't be showing. Har-har. All in all, he looks like a fine, upstanding citizen. I mean, the worst I could come up with is that he's name is Brutus...the name of the guy who betrayed Caeser. Also, I always thought it Popeye was whooping up on Brutus, until I realized that Popeye was really saying "Bluto". Oh well. Lastly, fuck THE Ohio State University. I hate it when people say that.

Cutting short this pathetic attempt at humor, my prediction is this: White people boo Chris Leak and cheer when Tebow comes in. Troy Smith shows that he's not that Heisman-rific. Percy Harvin and Teddy Ginn run really fast. Final score: UF 31 - OSU 21.

Welcome Coach Saban!!!

2007-01-03T23:11:00.000-05:00

Really, no words need to be said as everyone should know by now that Coach Nick Saban is the next coach of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide football team. All I can say is "Barners, look out." Now, I've had some people question why we refer to the cow college as "Barners." Well, let me explain: Auburn was founded by cows. In fact, there are still cows tenured as professors. Thus, you change one letter in the name Au-burn...and you get Barn. As in, cows live in barns. The school was founded as an agricultural and technical school. And back in the day, a technical school meant "How do I get my cotton gin to oppress more black folks." Anywho, it's a new era in Tuscaloosa, and there shant be any more fearing of thumbs, fists or any other digits. Roll fucking Tide!!! And for your enjoyment, here's a picture of a dear friend with our new coach.CHEEEEEEESE!!

When I've cried like a baby....

2006-12-28T12:51:00.000-05:00

As the title suggests, here are a couple of instances in the past where I've bawled like a schoolgirl who discovered that Milli Vanilli lip-synched. Obviously, being the beloved girly-man that I am, all the instances of where I've cried during a movie would be too numerous to fill. So, instead, I shall describe two of the most tragic scenes that affected me in my youth. These two iconic 80s movies shaped who and why I am so awesome. Enjoy:

1) The Neverending Story

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Even though this was the case, there was a scene where it still touches me till this day. Sure, sure, everybody LOVES Falcor and only remembers the big flying dog. I say fuck Falcor. So he was a huge cuddly puppy whould fly and talk. Whatever. Who was Atreyu's first and only love? Artax, his trusty horse. Artax kept it simple. He was a horse who galluped, ran and jumped when he had to. Nothing fancy like talking jive and disrespecting Atreyu like that damned Falcor! Anyways, before I get more upset and start thinking about the French, here is the scene of Artax'es demise....

When Atreyu loses Artax in the Swamps of Sadness....sniff....the picture above doesn't do justice how hard Atreyu tried to pull Artax out of the swamp....man...excuse me for a sec...

Alright, well here's the music video for the theme song of the movie. Now, this made me cry in a much different way.

The singer is Limahl, who as we ALL know, was the lead singer for Kajagoogoo. For those unfamiliar with bad 80's bands, Kajagoogoo sang the song "Too Shy", which in my opinion is absolutely terrible. After they fired his ass, he sang the theme for The Neverending Story. At the 2:54 mark in the video, just watch the anguish on Atreyu's face. Aaaaacting! He really fucking loved that horse...and I did, too. Sniff...alright, moving on before I start crying again.

2) Short Circuit 2

I'll admit, I wasn't too stoked about the sequel. Sure, it still had Johnny Five, the sentient robot from the first movie. Sure, he was still spouting his catchphrases like "Johnny Five Alive!" But you know who was missing? That's right...STEVE GUTTENBERG. Having conflicting duties of doing another Police Academy Sequel AND another Three Men and a _______, I guess he felt that Short Circuit 2 was beneath him. Fair enough. Still, not seeing Steve made me sad. But not to tears. The scene where Johnny is disassembled....oh my gosh....I don't...can't...

That's bout all I can handle. This tasteful picture. If you don't remember this scene or unthinkably have never SEEN it, I warn you, if you have ever loved a robot in your life, to not watch the following.

I made the mistake of seeing if it was the real clip, and let me tell you, it is there in all it's graphic-ness-ity. I don't know how one couldn't cry watching this scene as Johnny pleads for mercy. After seeing this scene for the first time in about 13 years, I can now see why one day robots will want to rule us and use us as batteries. And I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

Happy Festivus (and my 100th post!!)

2006-12-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

December 23 is of course...Festivus for the rest of us. Here's a little backstory for those not in the know. Most of this is taken from wikipedia (credit where credit due).

The Festivus Pole

The tradition of Festivus begins with an aluminum pole, which is praised for its "very high strength-to-weight ratio." During Festivus, the unadorned Festivus Pole is displayed. The pole was chosen apparently in opposition to the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas trees, because it is "very low-maintenance," and also because the holiday's patron, Frank Costanza, "find[s] tinsel distracting."

Festivus Dinner

A celebratory dinner is shown on the evening of Festivus prior to the Feats of Strength and during the Airing of Grievances.

Airing of Grievances

And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

In the Airing of Grievances, each person present at the celebration tells friends and family of all the instances in which they have disappointed him or her that year.

Feats of Strength

The Feats of Strength is the final tradition observed in the celebration of Festivus. Traditionally, the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline if they have something else to do. Tradition states that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match.

My airing of grievances:
1) France - despite my love for your quiches...you disappoint me with your headbutting pansiness and overall "feh" qualaties...
2) Atlanta - $15.25 for a pitcher of Coors is UNCONSCIONABLE...I don't care how close we are to Bobby Dodd Stadium and how many druken Irish fans there are to rip off.
3) The University of Alabama - Hire a fucking coach....and stop losing to Auburn...
4) My bros and hos from law school - As a whole, y'all have disappointed me with the lack of millionaires as I need somebody to mooch off of.
5) My bros and hos from UAB - Ditto....when are y'all gonna be neurosurgeons, nurse practioners, vagina pokers, rich optometrists??? I need mooch money, fools!!
6) To my parents...no real grievances..for once, my haircut did NOT make me look like an asshole.

Happy Festivus to All!!

And of course:
In celebration of my 100th post...here again is my dream picture:

Seriously....hot white women and fried chicken??
I swear that this picture was taken expressly for my enjoyment...
and enjoy it I shall...Thanks for reading e'erbody....here's to a 100 more pointless posts

Predicting your future

2006-12-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

While sitting in a closing recently, I pretty much zoned out as my job was finished, but out of decorum I couldn't leave because that would look unprofessional. So as the sellers squabbled over surveys and sales specifics, I decided to play some of those stupid games that y'all girls would play in the backs of buses. The games where invariably groans or giggles would attract the attention of the guys who were busy playing their Gameboy or cards. The time-tested and reliable game of MASH. For the uninitiated, its the game of Mansion-Apartment-Shack-House. It predicted your future of your spouse, car, dwelling, job, kids and location. Sadly, I think my name was always thrown on the list as the gag-prize which would elicit the groans. It'd be like "Jordan Knight, Tom Cruise, AC Slater, ALF and Victor". And yeah, I was worse than ALF, which is understandable b/c ALF liked to eat cats. Get it? Read between the lines, dagnabbit! Cats...pussy cats....aaah. Feh. Anywho, I'd have to say that those tests were semi-accurate. Although I am not married (yet) to the daughter from "My Two Dads", I still have high hopes. Maybe it'd help if I knew her name. I'm pretty sure none of my jobs, cars or locations worked out as most of the time, they were unrealistic stuff like "a jet-powered rhino" as a car, living on Mars or "high-paid attorney" as a job. Apparantly, the counterpart to playing MASH was then to play TRUE LOVE with whomever was selected as your future mate. The way TRUE LOVE works is this:

Two names...let's say Victor Kang and...oooh Hilary Duff
You would then match the number of corresponding letters in both your names

T - 1 L - 1
R - 2 O - 1
U - 1 V - 1
E - 0 E - 0
Total is 43..which would be the percentage of there being true love between us. Sniff. Anywho, play MASH yourself at www.playmash.com and see what the future holds for you.

Who knew that ALF went to school??

Cher

2006-12-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

Cher...one of the most famous one-named celebrities that we know. Along with Madonna, Bono, Prince, ummm....Pink....uhhh....and others, she's fairly well known for just her first name. Now, faithful reader, you may ask, what the fuck is your point? Fair question. One of life's greatest mysteries is how and why you dream the dreams that you do. Without going into any graphic and unnecessary detail, for some random reason, Cher was the object of my affection in a recent dream. Yeah, well, in my defense, I can almost guarantee that all of y'all have had dreams about worse guys/girls/animals in your past. So, cast ye not the firsteth stone beforeth you accusseth me of bad tasteth. I can't control my freakin' subconscious. So, I decided to do a little investigation about perhaps why such a random occurrence would be the subject of my dreams. Well, first off, let's go with the easy answer of "I've got a thing for white chicks with black hair." Meh, seems like a cop-out and a simple answer. Let's dig a bit deeper. Well, I do have my alarm set to on the Atlanta station Dave-FM, which plays "adult contemporary". Yeah, it's one of my more brilliant ideas in that I could be awaken by the soft, soothing tones of James Blunt and Hootie. So sue me, it's the only decent station I can pick up. Perhaps subconsciously, hearing the song "If I Could Turn Back Time", the dream kicked in. I'm sure y'all have had the radio/television influence a dream. If that's the case, maybe I should fall asleep watching Skinamax. Well, too much info. Anywho, possibly hearing the song on my radio-alarm could be the culprit. I decided then to watch the video on the youtube. Here is the video. Watch it before reading on, so as to not cast any aspersions against my good character.

Bingo. this song came out in 1987, the start of little Victor Kang's introduction to the female body and how kick ass it is. Also, this was the time that Papa Kang decided to spring for some cable. So, it's all very clear now. As I watched the video, memories returned about how the first time I saw this, I was all like, woah, you can see her ass cheeks. And her suit, well, it covered it a pretty new and awesome area that I had never thought about. Little Vic realized that men and women didn't have the same parts down there, and somehow, that little strip of cloth covered up something that I apparently should work towards achieving in the future. It was a sign, as Cher's...well...I wouldn't call it a shirt...her costume formed a V. V for Victory. V for Victor. V for vagina. And, to boot, that song is pretty fucking awesome. I doubt that at age 7, I was thinking "The way she straddles the cannons is relative to the act of sex." Still, I dare any prepubescent, non-cable or Internet accessible boy to not be amazed at said video. I know that nowadays, just stay up past 11 and watch Comedy Central, and you'll get Girls Gone Wild commercials up the wazoo. Or just watch MTV. But back in MY day, you couldn't get skimpily-clad women at your heart's desire. So, to solve my mystery, yeah, I had a dream about Cher, but it's justifiable. Watch the video again, if you ignore the fact that she's really not all THAT hot, it's pretty sexy for the 80's. Further, this video has every cliche found in a great video: back-t0-back singing, dancing with one lucky crowd member and walking through fog. And come on, she supports the troops! Go USA!

Blast from the Past

2006-12-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

As I've spent the past week glued to the message boards for any inkling of information regarding who Bama's new football coach will be (no houndstooth sombreros or visors in my mind), I have let the laundry and stuff pile up. Thus, while cleansing out the closet early Saturday prior to a weekend of football, I stumbled across a "nostalgia box". My box from home included my yearbooks, prom pictures and other mementos of days gone past. I also found a journal that I kept for a class assignment back in the 4th grade (1990). I guess you could say that it was a precursor to my oh-so-popular blog. But, reading through random thoughts, I found a cute little "Christmas Wish List". Luckily, I was still fairly self-absorbed and didn't care for others, so there wasn't stuff like "world peace" or "end starvation." Instead, it was still youthful enough to be all sorts of toys, clothes and etc. Observe.

1) Simpsons Sing the Blues
It makes me old to think about this one. Sure, the Simpsons are still on TV, but it's been so many years since this album came out. And when they came out, CDs were still in those huge rectangular and superfluous boxes. But, this was supposed to be my first CD in my collection. The classic from this one included "Do the Bartman" and "Deep, Deep Trouble" featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff. Poor Jazzy, left behind in the shadows of the immortal of "Smell ya later!". Anywho, this album was first played in our Art Class, and I recall that our teacher had to pause the part where Bart said "damn". Yeesh. Anywho, I did not get this for Christmas in the end. Instead, for my first ever CD, I got this:

It was apparently a hot seller and, knowing nothing about popular music, my dad just grabbed whatever was ranked high at the local record shop. Sigh. I'd like to think that this first CD didn't affect my psychologically somehow. Although that "Hold On" song is pretty fucking awesome. Hmm, perhaps that might explain my horrible taste in music and an unhealthy affinity for girly-pop. Moving on.

2) Trapper Keeper
In my mind, this was essentially the status symbol of elementary school. It was like the car you drove. I mean, sleek exterior, plastic mesh pockets, various pencil holders...you can't ask for more! It was the perfect way for a nerd to keep stylish AND organized. I finally did get a Trapper Keeper that year, but sadly, no cool folders with sports cars and jets. The parents, they just don't understand that those folders made you who you were at Weatherly Elementary. Chicks didn't dig regular plain single-color folders. Sure, plain folders combined with a sweet Trapper Keeper could get you Average Angela. But to get to the big times, you gotta have a sweet Corvette folder and maybe a couple of scratch-n-sniff stickers. And by big time, I mean the chicks who were rocking the training bras. And on that note...

3) Hypercolor

The biggest thing to hit our school were training bras and Hypercolor. These shirts kind of went hand-in-hand with basic schoolkid debauchery. People would be blowing and rubbing and stroking to get each other's shirts to change from orangish-red to red. The necessary contact for color to change, raging hormones and budding bosoms ... it was madness. And I wanted in. Sadly, all that "debauchery" led to the same results as real debauchery: disease. All that rubbing and blowing to change colors led to quite a bit off germ-swapping. On my first time wearing the hypercolor, not only was I a bit late on the trend, but it seemed to be a pretty good bullseye for bullies. It seems that being slapped really hard can also change the colors. Or so they said. Oh, and yes, I purposely chose a picture of a hottie wearing Hypercolor. All I can say is that my handprints wouldn't be that low. Heh.

4) Snap Bracelet AND Watch
Snap bracelets are awesome. NO doubt about it. But, you add on the watch, and you were the king of the castle. Sadly, nobody else thought that. When I did get one, I even set my watch to be precisely on time with the bell. Nobody really gave a shit. Such is my life story.

5) Powerglove
I fell for the commercials...hook, line and sinker. You could say that this was like the Wii of the 1980s. With 1980s technology. Which translates to "utter crap". Thank God that my parents knew enough about video games to realize that this product would be worthless and unplayable. Who would have thunk it that wearing a unwieldy and sweaty glove would not be the best for video games. Speaking of sweaty gloves, do you remember how the main antagonist in "Of Mice and Men" wore a glove with lotion in it so he kept it "soft" for his wife? Or did he keep it soft for himself. Man, I need to reread that book.

6) Duck Head T-Shirt
My fledgling sense of fashion slowly crept in during my last years of high school. As my budding interest in white chicks grew, I figured that it was just like hunting, you gotta get some camouflage on. What better way to look like Johnson P. Whitebread than by wearing some Duck Head t-shirts! And man, you got some MAJOR play if you rocked a neon yellow Duck Head shirt. Sadly, this was just another one of my many attempts to fit in.

7) Technodrome
Still, in the end, I was a kid. And nothing gave a boy a prepubescent chubby than huge playsets. Be it the legendary General Flagg aircraft carrier for G.I. Joes or the huge Metroplex (Transformer City), big playsets were the shit. I already had bought a Turtle Wagon from the money I got raking leaves. What better way to have an epic Ninja Turtle battle then to have the Technodrome. Hell, I had Krang, and he needed something more than old Kleenex box as his base. I mean, LOOK HOW HAPPY THAT KID IS!!! That could have been me!!! If only I had a suitable arena for Raphael to stick a sai up Shredder's ass and then have weird turtle sex with April, then I might be a different man today. But no, my parents had to screw me over and get me this instead...

8) Reebok Pumps
Fine. Fair enough. I did ask my parents like crazy to get these shows. I think this was in my "black phase", if there ever was one. Kriss Kross rocked my world. MJ and his amazing dunks were awesome. Rap wasn't as scary as it is now with pimpin', ridin' dirty, and white guys telling to live for the moment. I figured that these Pumps would rock out. My dad got me a pair, and man, I wore that thing like MAYBE 10 times. The image of a short, chubby Asian with glasses and Pumps ....yeah ....sniff...props was definitely not what I was getting. In the long wrong, I think I would have definitely enjoyed the Technodrome much, much more.

All in all, that was a pretty decent Christmas. In case any of you rich lawyer-types feel like giving me something, I'm partial to some black-label Johnny Walker. And Popeye's.

Happy Birthday, Shenanigoats!!!!

2006-11-27T15:38:00.000-05:00

It's been ONE whole year since I started this endeavor back in 11/27/05. I really got nothing to say as I'm stil spending all the free time I have listening to the radio to see who Bama's new coach is gonna be. I wish I had something smart or sentimental to say, but I don't. So those of you who still are left that read this, what the hell is wrong with you? I would think my juvenile humor and sad attempts at insight would bore most, if not all, of my loyal readers. Oh well. Once I shake the Thanksgiving Break cobwebs, we'll get something funny going. As for those who enjoy the Colbert Report, you can make your very own "On Notice!" board at the following link : http://www.shipbrook.com/onnotice/ It should provide hours of fun as you put all of your bosses/relatives/significant others on the board and show that you hate them! See, when you have nothing original to write, steal from others!

Things to be thankful for

2006-11-22T10:17:00.000-05:00

On the eve of Thanksgiving Day, here are just a few things I'm thankful for (most are real...a couple are sarcastic):

No traffic on the interstate.
A glass of scotch after a long day.
Myspace friend requests from wanna-be porn stars and seventeen year-olds.
Phone conversations that require just the use of the word "ok".
Driving with the windows down and the music up.
The extra chicken nugget in a six-pack.
Not living in Alabama after the Iron Bowl (except when/if Bama wins).
Wearing jeans to work.
A freezing apartment and a warm comforter.
Eating Popeye's in bed right before doing the laundry.
White women.
Continuing to read long after the Browns have reached the Super Bowl.
Steve Perry's magic voice.
Friends who still believe in me despite all reasons not to.
Finding a quarter and a cigarette while looking for the remote.
Our troops. (Saw a bunch coming home at the airport.....God bless 'em)
Having exact change at the drive-thru.
The anticipation before a Braves-Bama-UAB-Falcons game...and the sadness afterwards.
People who love the Final Countdown.
Slightly burnt mac n' cheese.
Random conversations with random strangers.
Nasty high fives.
The Garfield float in the Macy's Parade.
Buying new ties.
Living in the greatest country in the world.
Knowing random facts such as who is Itchy and who is Scratchy at trivia night.
Burning a new CD full of the worst 80's songs imaginable and making others listen to it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Iron Bowl

2006-11-15T11:20:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's been quite a while since Bama's had a win. As picture above, this was our final time to taste the glory of victory. In trying to do all the things possible that could lead to a W for the good guys this weekend, I've decided to try all sorts of random superstitious methods. Nothing stupid like praying or voodoo bullshit as a) no need to bother the big guy upstairs with trivial matters such as football and b) if I'm killing a live chicken, it ain't gonna be for voodoo. So, after turning my myspace page (www.myspace.com/vhkang927) into a virtual shrine to 'Bama (loud and obnoxious describes it adequately), I figured that in order to even the karmic flow of my chi, that I should post something that is complimentary to our honorable opponents, the Tigers of Auburn University. Thus, here are some famous alumni that I was not aware of. So here's to you Auburn, f/k/a East Alabama Male College f/k/a Agricultural and Mechanical College of Alabama f/k/a Alabama Polytechnic Institute.

1. Bill Holbrook
Some of y'all may see this in your newspapers. What? Nobody gets newspapers anymore...and if they do, they DON'T read the comics??? What's wrong with you people! Anyways, On the Fastrack is a pretty funny comic that deals with the engineering and tech issues. I used to read it all the team as a kid right after not laughing at Garfield and right before snickering at that Beetle Bailey. Oh Sarge, you would have fit right in at Abu Ghraib.

2) Jimmy Wales

He is the man who created wikipedia.org. If you aren't familiar with this website, then get with the times Gramps. It's the perfect website that basically has information on anything and everything you'd want to know. In fact, that's the website that usually helps me get all the esoteric facts that entertain oh-so-very much. Think of it as an Encyclopedia Brittanica that doesn't suck. Great for looking up what the name of that episode of Seinfeld was called. Yet, it also has damn good information on anything under the sun (I learned how a Hydrogen Bomb works!).

3)Alvin Vogtle
Those of you who said "Hey, that's Steve McQueen!", congrats. As for the others, there's more on TV than just reality shows and teen dramas for you to watch. So, yes, obviously Steve McQueen, one the of the greatest actors of all time, did not go to Auburn. But, the character that he played in "The Great Escape" was based on Alvin Vogtle. Alvin was a Spitfire pilot who was shot down and tried to escape 5 times. He was successful on his 6th.

4) Kimberly Page

So, this one might be a little esoteric for most people. But for those wrasslin' fans out there (and there's gotta be a couple at the Barn), this is none other than Diamond Dallas Page's beautiful (ex)wife. Kim Page was a fine graduate of Auburn. Man, back in the glory days of WCW, DDP would come out to that rip-off of Pearl Jam and run around the ring going "BANG!" and making the Diamond Cutter sign. And then Kim would do that cool "get into the ring under the ropes" so that all the fans could see her boobs. Wait...what was I talking about?? Anyways, so this one is a stretch for notable alumnis. There ain't nothing wrong with trying to post a pic of a hot chick. And trust me, this is about the most modest of pics that I could find, so up your nose wit a rubber hose, ya prudes!

DDP - Diamond Cutter!!!

5) Jimmy Buffett

Technically, he didn't graduate as he transferred to Southern Miss. Guess his lost shaker of salt wasn't in Auburn. Lame. Anywho, probably most of y'all Auburn grads were aware of Jimmy's relation to the school. Irregardless, it's still pretty cool to be associated with the godfather of chillaxing. I don't really have much else to say as the only things that come to my mind about Jimmy is margaritas and cheeseburgers....and varicose veins.

6) Captain & Tennille (well...just Tennille)

Toni Tennille was a native of Montgomery and a proud graduate of Auburn. One of the deliciouisly bad bands of the 70s, this duo was responsible for the unforgettable "Love Will Keep Us Together." There's really not much else to be said about this other than "watch this".

So there you go, without dipping into the athletic stars, we can see that Auburn has a quite a number of talented and famous alumni. Hopefully this will be enough in the good karma so that come Saturday, all my good deeds and good will towards the school on the Plains will be rewarded. All in the name of fearing the thumb. Bloop!

I wish I didn't....but I do

Kids and their damn I-pods and Youtubes

2006-11-13T17:21:00.000-05:00

Now, back in MY day, we didn't have none of these fancy newfangled gadgets to pass the time. We didn't have no myspace or youtube so that we could start the process of being sexual beings at the age of 12. We played "Doctor"and that was as much action as one could get, barring the jackpot of stumbling on Pop's Playboy collection. We didn't text each other or send virtual kisses. We passed notes in class that said "Do you like me....circle yes or no." When it was raining and I was bored, I didn't have no stinking internet porn or video games to pass the time. We sat around and played rhyme games and tag. And that's we liked it! So, as a stroll down memory lane, here are some "fun" games that I recall from my childhood.

1) Red Rover -
This was the one chance that fat kids like me had to shine in those halcyon days. Us fatties weren't real good at hiding or seeking. But, this game was our time. For those that don't recall, it was a game where two teams lined up across from each other and holding hands. Then, the team leader would say "Red rover, red rover...send Victor right over". So, I, being on the other team, would muster all the strength in my tubby ass and charge across to try to break through the hand-holding defenses of the other team. And boy howdy, I knocked some scrawny white asses on the ground. Although, being shorter, they eventually realized that by raising their arms, that was a pretty effective way to clothesline me. Bastards.

2) 500 -
This was a game preferred by the kids who really had no athletic ability, but still enjoyed sports to some extent. The game was the perfect for the fatties, bespectacled and the short to play on the sideline when they are invariably not chosen by the team captains in the pickup football game. The game consists of the person (or "It") and the other people. Whoever is It will lob a football (or baseball) high in the air towards the other players, while shooting out a numerical value. The person who catches the ball, gets the points...eventually a new "it" is named when that person totals a score of 500. Negative points may be awarded, but those who did that are assholes. Not much athletic ability is needed as the only skills required are a) the ability to stand and b) the ability to catch. Of course, there was those kids who felt they deserved to have been picked to play in the real game, and treat the game of 500 as an exhibition for NFL scouts. And there's always the dick who just wants to be it the whole time and makes every ball impossible to catch and/or worth only fractions of points (yeah, we were math geeks).

I swear they are playing 500.
Look up "playing 500" in Google Images if you don't believe me.

3) Television Tag -

Us sophisticated types in Huntsville didn't play plain and boring "freeze tag". We jazzed it up by adding the crucial element of naming TV shows in order to be unfrozen. As I sit here trying to recall the rules, I am getting a blank spot. If I remember, there was on person who was "it", and their goal was to freeze everyone? And if you could yell out a TV show, you were unfrozen. The more I think about, the more futile the game seems. Who's the aribitor in case there's an argument over whether you've used the TV show already or not? I can't imagine that you would be allowed to say the same show everytime, because otherwise, you'd just slowly waltz along and everytime you're frozen, just say "The Snorks." As such, why would anyone ever want to be "it" then? There must have been some way to allow them the chance to pass on the "it" title. Man, what a shitty game! All I know is that Silver Spoons and ALF were my go-to shows. And if things REALLY looked hairy, I dropped the "Hee-Haw" on them. Moving on.

4) Heads Up Seven Up
I think this game was one of the earliest games that established who would be future lawyers. These games supposedly involved the abilities that great trial laywers would need. I'll elaborate. For Heads up Seven Up, there was a few select kids where were considered "it". Probably seven of them. Everyone else had to put their head down and thumbs up. The people who were "it" went around and pressed one thumb each. After all "its" were done, they went back to the front of the class. Those who had their thumbs pressed were then allowed to face their oppressors. If you picked the right person who thumbed you, then you were now "it". It supposedly tought us how to use the process of elimination. In my mind, it tought us the ability to cheat and mislead. There was always a kid who would peak and catch a glimpse. My secret trick was to always pick on the same girl (my first crush....sigh) but use a different way to put her thumb down. Sometimes, it was a gentle press. Other times, I'd pinch their thumb. Flawless. Except for my bad poker face and inability to face my accuser without giggling and wanting her to know that it was I with the gentle pinches and sweet caress.

Now, there are probably more than enough games that I played as a kid, and I assume by now nobody gives a rat's ass. Thus, thise was one games as suggested on a kid's activity websites that confuses and scares me.

Chinese Jump Rope

First you begin with the rope around the ankles of two children.

Another child jumps in the rope with both feet. Then the child jumps out of the rope with both legs straddling each outside rope. Next, the child jumps from side to side. (Straddling each side of the rope.) Then the child jumps on the rope. Then out again. Finally, the child takes the rope, crosses it using their legs, so that their legs are in side of an x. Then the child has to jump out and straddle the rope.

With each jump if they land on the rope when they are not supposed to, then they are out. Or if they are trying to land on it and miss they are out. Once you accomplish the ankles, you move up to the waist, then below the arms, then finally the neck (I have never seen it go that far.) With each sequence you say, "in, out, side, side, on, in, out."
Wow, I don't really know what the fuck is being described. All I can say is that if this game is implying that Chinese people and the words "children" "tied ankles" and "straddle" have something in common...then you're wrong. It should be called Japanese Jump Rope. Sick fuckers.

Your "Official" Election Day Blog

2006-11-07T10:38:00.000-05:00

First off, let me say what everyone should be saying: "Get off your ass and vote....if you're a Republican." I kid. In honesty, go out and vote, irregardless of your political leanings. Well, that is unless you support Communism and/or white supremacy. As they say in Chicago, vote early and vote often. I won't get into the political quagmire of failing wars, pedophile congressman and methed-up clergyman. Also, for my last political plug:

As a quick recap of this crucial vote, here are some fancy bullet points
-> Mayor McCheese thrown out of office after being set up by bitch
-> Successor Mayor Hampton Burglar's rein has been marked with theivery, burgaling and all sorts of hedonistic excess.
-> Mayor Burglar cannot function without the use of cocaine and special sauce.

The choice is clear.

Anywho, my point today was about the use of the word "official" and such advertising words of it's ilk. I know that when you say "The Official ______ of the NFL" or etc, it means that the company paid a shitload of money. I won't question the usage of said advertising money on making a soup the official NFL soup (what does that mean??? if you are in the NLF are you NOT allowed to purchase Sam's Choice Chowder?) My questioning of "official" was piqued when I sat in traffic and heard a local radio station proclaim itself to be "Your Official Station for Christmas Music." I may not be a smart man, but I don't know how or who made the station official. Is there an office of Christmas Music? Are other stations precluded from playing that God-awful Mariah Carey Christmas song? It's like the claims of being the "World's Largest" or the "World's First". I know that's one of those advertising liberties they take in basing the reliabilty of such claim as a basis of reasonableness. Or so I assume. Could I open a store that's just called "The Offical World's Largest Bestest Store"? Sure, and I'm sure nobody would show up. Unless it sold beer and porn. Irregardless, my point still remains in that I don't want to live in a society where words such as "official" "world's largest" and "sexiest" are bandied about willy-nilly. Otherwise, good people like myself may actually believe that the "THE world's largest offical club for the sexiest strippers in town" is located at a one room shack run by a seedy man named Bruno. Well...hypothetically speaking, of course, as I do not frequent said places of ill repute. But, as is, this post was your official Asian-Typed Election-Related Rant of the day. And I officially am done.

Why You Want Me as a Friend

2006-11-02T11:56:00.000-05:00

With the passing of Halloween, I got my share of slasher films, zombie attacks and just all around dumbass teens romping in places they shouldn't be. As I sat through each predictable horror movie cliche, I realized that if the scenarios were to ever play out with me and my friends, y'all are lucky. Presented for your approval are reasons why one would want Victor around in a horror movie.

1) Minority
Minorities in horror movies rarely, if ever, make it. Now, I will admit that there haven't been THAT many Asians in popular horror movies such as Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw, etc etc. Still, non-White folks usually get the shaft (or should I say, the knife). Everybody knows about the stereotype that black folks don't make it in a scary movie. As such, I will provide the corollary that as your Asian buddy, I will probably get hacked or die in some funny Asian way. Like, I can see me getting impaled by two sticks and the villain remarking "Who said chopsticks were hard to use?"

2) Comic Relief
As plain as day, everyone can see the comedic genius inherent in me. In all horror movies, you gotta have that one guy who's pants fall down as they are running away and screaming. The guy who screams like a girl at the sight of the spiderweb, but doesn't notice the looming menace of a machete right behind him. I can provide the witty lines right after someone is killed. And, of course, the chubby comic relief always ends up getting his comeuppance after all his snide comments. Even if I don't die, who doesn't enjoy the sight of an Asian fleeing a monster and screaming? And if I do happen to be turned into a zombie or a vampire and have to be dispatched by being dumped into a large industrial fryer, there can be a funny/sad scene where the dispatcher can remark "Now, that's some good fried chink-en!."

3) Karate
No, I don't know any karate. BUT. As seen in most horror movies, the unlikely nerd/loser/dork turns out to be the one that is crucial in key situations. When the supposed blonde-hair blue-eyed "leader of the pack" succombs to his own ego and arrogance, the unlikely Asian will step to the forefront. When covered in blood and guts, he finally snaps and takes control. All of the sudden, the latent talents of his forefathers will come to light as he kicks, hi-yahs and judo-chops his way to victory over the ghoulish villain. Boy, I'd look pretty kick-ass with some bad-ass shades and a blood-stained shirt.

4) Cigarettes
In EVERY movie, there never seems to be a smoker amongst the group. No matter what the scenario is, somehow, the unlucky hot blond cheerleader will have to set something on fire. Maybe her candle is blown out. Or she has to light a stick of dynamite or burn the villain who is dripping in gasoline. Perhaps she just needs a fire to set of a chain-reaction that will somehow and quite believable lead to her survival. Inevitably, she will have only one match left in the matchbox. If I were around, you'll always have at least 2 lighters handy. And that pack of matches I keep taped to my inner thigh. And that emergency lighter that causes me to waddle like a duck. The point is, with me around, there's no need to fumble around with matches or dying a grisly death because you can't strike a match using a rough surface.

In conclusion, in both dying or surviving, my inclusion in a horror film scenario would be an exciting adventure. Even if we all end up dying from zombies or mutated giraffes, at least we'd have FUN. And if the key to saving the world hinges on the ability to start a small fire in any situation, then just call me King Kang as I will be the hero of the day.

*Disclaimer* - The proceeding rant was brought about by falling asleep while watching Land of the Dead and having some really fucked up/entertaining dreams.

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T10:40:00.000-05:00

Just a quick reminder that today is a good day to wear your bras and knickers out in public, you creepy cross-dressing freaks! I'd go into a spiel about what the history of Halloween is, but in a nutshell, some pagans in England (Druids..etc) celebrated a festival remembering the saints and martyrs of the pagan religions. After Christians took over, the festival was branded as evil as the pagan saints and spirits were seen as evil beings. Thus, this holiday is seen as a day of worshipping evil spirits. And now you know...the rest of the story.

Anywho, enjoy handing out and/or eating candy tonight. For your enjoyment...one of the best Simpsons Halloween clips. Enjoy.

For the ladies

2006-10-25T17:44:00.000-05:00

Several posts ago, some of y'all might recall my little dalliance into the subject of girls standing up to pee. As we learned, there was a newfangled mechanism for such action...the lady-loo as pictured above. Let me first point out that the manufacturers were nice enough to include instructions on how to utilize said lady-loo. Now, I'm not a smart man, but it seems like to me, there's about 3 ways you could use that machine, and since I don't see a one-humped camel in the picture, I can only assume that you can either sit on it facing the wall or in the recommended way. To me, it seems that if you sit facing the wall, it seems a bit erotic for the pee-er. But that's just me. Anywho, it appears that our fine European friends have took to heart in creating "pee"-quality for the sexes. Who else but Europeans are that forward looking? So, presented for your approval, are the next steps in allowing women to experience what it feels like to be able to write your name with your pee. As for those who question my sanity and my research into this pee-technology, all I have to say is that I am always striving to fight for women's rights. I just CARE that much about women and their bodies.

1) She-Pee
No Jason, this is not a tent where you can get "serviced". Although, if Indians were to have his and her gifts, would the proud chief give the newlyweds a set of his-pee and her-pees? (HAHAHAHAHAH....I"m a character). Anywho, ironically enough, the Brits were the ones that came up with this novel idea. Those Brits and their love for peeing. Essentially, it is just a long trough that is walled off so that female patrons at outdoor concerts, pie-eating contests, midget-tosses, etc etc can stand and pee with whatever method they prefer. Now, as you can see in this picture, this new technology still has it's issues. It appears that a couple of the ladies, while jubilant in their peeing, still must keep an eye on the flow. But for Sports-Bra Girl, she's got no issues. And yes, I do think that a nasty fist-pump is appropriate when you stand up to pee. And yes, that is a little girl in the lower left corner who is invariably scarred for the rest of her life.

2) P-Mate
In a declicious play of words, this mate will be with you when you are at the most dire of situations. As you can see, it looks like a "thing you get from Starbucks on your coffee so that it doesn't burn you" type things. I dunno how well it can stand the test of time, so I assume it's a one of those one-pee-and-done situations. In my opinion, this doesn't seem any different than just peeing onto any curved service aimed towards the toilet. I mean, a rolled up magazine would seem to work just as well. Anywho, for those that are interested, here are the very-necessary directions.

Leaning Forward Seductively is the Key

3) The Go Bag
The name really says it all. It's a bag that you go in. Simple enough. Or so you think. Just look at this testimony:

Sam Stephenson, from Manchester, is a regular festival-goer and could not praise the Go Bag highly enough. "It was fabulous, it saved our lives, it was brilliant," she says. "It meant we didn't miss any of the football games on the big screen or any bands we wanted to see, as it's a nightmare getting to the loos when it's muddy."

I mean, come on!!! It SAVED LIVES. I'm not discouting the fact that this Ms. Stephenson of Manchester may have avoided catastrophe due to her deadly condition of not being able to wait in line and pee. Now, I know some of y'all spectics are thinking "What the fuck, it basically just peeing into a jug." Au contraire, ma chere. In fact, the Go Bag is a pouch of crystals which turn liquid into a solid gel for easy disposal. I know I've dreamt of the day where my pee can result in a solid gel.

4) The Whiz
Obviously, I've saved the best for last. Nobody beats the Whiz. Nobody. And this sordid mixture of a protective cup and a funnel is king of the pee devices. It's a reusable funnel which fits snugly against the body, meaning the woman can pee standing up, anywhere that a man could. Anywhere that a man could. Think about the possibilities. Now, ladies, you don't have to wait in line. You can pee just like me! Bushes, parking lots, the neighbor's dog, your friend's laundry hamper. All of them are now your domain for pee.

In conclusion, these advancements have made me rethink my stance that humanity is crumbling. I mean, if we can allow for women to pee standing up in more than one way, then what CAN'T we accomplish as a species? I hope that you, too, are as embiggened by these innovations. In fact, I'm feeling so motivated, I think I'll give the next hobo I see $5. Pay it forward, that's what I say. Man, this post really fell about at the end. Oh well, your loss. Sucker.

Third Saturday in October

2006-10-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

First off, sorry for the delay in posting, those that care, as I have been sick as a dog while still valiantly going to work (and probably carelessly infecting others). But, just in time for this huge game and the Beer Festival in Atlanta, I miraculously am cured. Anywho, let's turn our focus towards the evil and nasty state of Tennessee, home to the hated University of Tennessee. While a repeat of last year's thrilling victory seems faint, we can still bask in good feelings of the fumble last year and how lucky we are not to be from Tennessee. Here are just a few tidbits about why the state sucks. And yes, while I'll admit there are some good things about Tennessee, as a whole, I say "nay" to our northern neighbors.

1) Tennessee = France
Thanks to my fellow Tennessee-hating state prosecutor by the beach, I was informed that Nashville was the first capital to fall to the Union in the Civil War and that Tennessee was the only Confederate state that came entirely under Union control before the war ended. Way to go, Volunteers. Like what President Truman said regarding our European allies in WWII, them volunteers fought so poorly and surrendered so readily. (Bonus points for guessing the source of this quote).

2) Birthplace of the KKK
That's right, kids. The Ku Klux Klan was founded by Nathan Bedford Forrest in Pulaski, Tennessee. Now, not taking anything away from General Forrest's great military career, we can still agree that lynching folks and just being nasty to non-whites is not a good thing. At least, I HOPE we can agree on that. But, I am pretty sure that a few folks out there wouldn't mind putting on some pointy hoods and creating a ruckus for Halloween's sake. But only in the name of fun of course, as they ain't racist, they have that one non-white friend, and that makes it allll good.

As a minority, I am very scared right now just looking at him.

3) Final Resting Place of Elvis?
Now, being a Las Vegas boy, I do love me some Elvis. Fat Elvis, that is. Who doesn't enjoy some fat sweaty Elvis "Viva Las Vegas"-ing away in a suit that'd make Liberace blush? I mean, come on, this man single-handedly created the notion of "fat sex symbol". But, it all came crashing down because he HAD to live in some terrible place named Graceland. Located in Tennessee. Booo! He never had any troubles when he was in Vegas, Mississippi or hanging ten in Hawaii. I personally think he's still alive and kicking, but still, if he died on the john as they claim, I'm pretty sure it was something to do with Tennessee water.

Now THAT'S some crooning...

4) The Bomb
The home of the Manhattan Project was located in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Of course, the Manhattan Project was what led us to gaining the power of the nuclear bomb. Now, as a proud Chinaman, I personally have no issues with the bomb as it was used TWICE to nuke the piss out of those stinking Japs. The nuke was also responsible for the birth of Godzilla, who also continues to beat to dogshit out of Japan, so I guess I have to thank Tennessee for that one. But, for the sake of argument, my hippy side says "Man, if it wasn't for Tennessee man, there'd be no war and like no bombs and like everything would be groovy man!" God damn hippies, I feel like I need a shower and a job now.

Just do it

5) Al Gore
Blah blah....global warming....blah blah...manbearpig....You lost in 2000, so get over it. 'Nuff said.

6) Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane
Well, not really HIM, but the actor, James Best. Well, technically, James is from Kentucky. But hell, that's close enough to Tennessee to count! I'll use any gosh-dern excuse I can to bring up a Dukes of Hazzard reference. Wait, let's see if I can use some sheriff Coltrane craftiness to connect him to Tennessee. Let's see.....alright...the fact is that Tennessee sucks so bad that even Momma Best knew not to raise no future acting greats in such a shit-hole of a state!!! Yeah, that's the ticket. That's the kind of trickeration that helped foil the Dukes every episode. Kik-kik-kyah! (or whatever that damn sound is that he makes when he's happy/flustered/excited)

Damn you Duke boys and your country ways...

7) Concessions
I will say that Tennessee has done some decent things. Like Dolly Parton's boobs. Some decent country music. Dominating the Jags. The jury's still out on whether this one will be a good or bad thing, but we'll see =)

The only "Ten I See" in Tennessee

Friday the 13th

2006-10-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Bad luck, evil day, blah blah. Enjoy it while it lasts kids. Nothing happened last time (1-13-06), so I'm excpecting at worst slipping on a banana peel and turning into a Caucasain unexpectedly. And yes, I tried to find the worst, most assinine and unfunny pictures as possible. Har-dee har-har.

Fried.....

2006-10-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but I do prefer the tastes of fried chicken. In fact, you could say that it is my favorite food. So the other day, as I sat at home not watching my Braves play in the playoffs, I saw that tasty commercial for Friday's. The one where they have 3 new appetizers? Well, from what I recall, there was fried green beans and fried mac n' cheese. FRIED MAC'N CHEESE! I never thought such combination of craziness could occur. Thus, I thought, well hell, why not fry everything possible on God's green earth? I am aware that you can pretty much fry any sort of meat, so we'll ignore the fried "crazy meat you wouldn't eat because you are a narrow-minded asshole". Alas, most of my ideas have already been taken. Observe:

1) Fried Fruits
Sure, everyone's heard of frying up a banana, but what about other fruits?

In order, these are fried strawberries, cherries and apples. All of them seem like pretty damn tasty ideas. Those apple fries are actually offered at Legoland in Holland. Crazy Dutch. I did not see any fried citrus, but that's not saying it couldn't happen. As for those of y'all asking, yes, there ARE fried watermelons. There's plenty of recipes out there. Sadly, I've yet to find someone who was so pround of such a gluttonous act as to post a picture of it. I dunno, I could make an off-colored joke about fried watermelon, but I'll leave that to my esteemed friends on the beach.

2) Fried Main Dishes
It's not enough that deep-frying meats are everywhere. Stop at any fast-food joint and you can get fried chicken, fried fish, fried seafood...etc etc. But, some people thought that that wasn't enough. Again, going with the concept that anything breaded and fried is delicious, these men have decided to fry some pizza and hamburger. Now, I've personally tried the fried burger at the Burly Earl in Birmingham. It is fucking amazing. Just a huge 1/2 lb burger dipped in batter and then flash-fried. I may have lost 10 years of my life that day, but it was pretty darn worth it.

So, that's some fried PBJs, fried cheese pizza, fried sausage (NOT A CORNDOG), and a fried hamburger.

3) Fried "Foods that will kill you as it is"
This is the piece de resistance, the big kahuna. What y'all have been waiting for. Fried candy, snacks, fatty foods, etc... I think it speaks great volumes about how awesome America is. That we know we are fat and that it's killing us all slowly, but hell, if we're gonna go down, we might as well go down having fun and eating the most unhealthiest stuff as possible.

Fried Twinkie, Fried Ice Cream and Fried Chocolate Pudding

Fried Cadbury Eggs, Fried Snickers and 3 Musketeers and Fried Oreos

4) Fried Coke

I'm not even going to try to explain it, so here's the plagiarized story:

Mix funnel-cake batter with Coke instead of water. Pour batter into the fryer and cook up a mass of doughy strands. Stuff into a Coca Cola cup, sprinkle with powdered sugar and douse with pure Coke syrup. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry.

Just pure American ingenuity.

Refreshed....I think

2006-10-03T10:14:00.000-05:00

So, after a sad day of being gator-whooped, my mind seems a bit refreshed. Or, refreshed as can be for my mind that works in ways that should not be. Here is just essential a brain diarrhea of all sorts of random thoughts that I've had recently.

1) How much of a "car" must you have in order to drive on the road?
I'm sure this is some legal issue that can be easily determined via a quick glance at a municipal code somewhere. But for the sake of my entertainment, I'm curious as to whether there are any laws that state that you are required to have, say, a door or even windows. As far as I know, the only requirements are that you have wheels, be able to keep at the minimum speed limit, and perhaps brake lights or something similar. I've seen those beachcombers and stuff, so I guess a doors not a requirement. As usual, this random thought was brought upon my often daily ruminations about Robocop. Man, that cyborg totally kicks ass. But, let's just say for the sake of argument, could this picture below be a reality? Well, other than the Robocop part.

Boo-yah!

2) Random pictures of Popeyes:

Yeah, I'm very confused, too. Seems that Supergirl apparantly had some marketing tie-in with Popeye's? Or maybe she just was hanging out and making a cameo appearance? The scariest part of this picture is that it's like somebody took a picture of one of my dreams. Either way, there's nothing in that picture that doesn't give me a stiffy.

3) Halloween Ideas:

Yes, it is right around the corner and I will do a future post on great ideas for costumes. As for now, I'll be pompous and assume that if you're reading this blog, you are most likely from Alabama and have probaly zero other Asian friends. So, in the extreme case that you just miss having a gook to kick around, why not dress up as one this year!
4) LBJ
I really respect Lyndon Baines Johnson. He reminds my so much of a great friend who's also a proud member of our government. I've noticed that my friend also has some big ol' ears, a penchance for fire water, and they both enjoy talking to others while taking a poop. And, they both have a much more attractive friend who speaks with a bad Bah-sten accent...and err...ehh...wud love a glass er scawtch. As for this picture, a picture speaks a thousand words, and I'm sure you can come up with just a hilarious caption as I can. Either way, boy, is he pissed!

"....and you don't look much like a steer to me!"

5) In case this law thing doesn't work out, I've found my next get-rich quick scheme:

6) As election season comes down to the wire, we'll check in with Mayor McCheese and his bid to be the leader of McDonaldLand. As we last left them, Mayor Hamburglar's campaign was rocked with allegations of a penchant for the underaged. In a picture taken at a recent fundraiser, sources claim that the Mayor may have been a bit too "robbled"to meet this young supporter. Spin doctors and damage control claim that it really WAS a banana in his pants, but stay tuned for more updates.

Her eyes....shock or dismay?

September 27

2006-09-27T11:48:00.000-05:00

Yikes

I've always held the belief that this day is a great day in history. Momentous events have always occurred on this day. Or so I thought. Here is a short list of things that I found have occurred on this date.

* 489 - Odoacer attacks Theodoric at the Battle of Verona, and is defeated again.
* 1331 - the Battle of Plowce between the Kingdom of Poland and the Teutonic Order took place.
* 1540 - The Society of Jesus (the Jesuits) receives its charter from Pope Paul III.
* 1590 - Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope, making his reign the shortest papacy in history.
* 1605 - The armies of Sweden are utterly defeated by the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth in the Battle of Kircholm.
* 1787 - The United States Constitution is delivered to the states for ratification.
* 1821 - Mexico gains its independence from Spain.
* 1822 - Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone.
* 1825 - The Stockton and Darlington Railway opens, and begins operation of the world's first service of locomotive-hauled passenger trains.
* 1854 - The steamship Arctic sinks with 300 people on board. This marks the first great disaster in the Atlantic Ocean.
* 1903 - Wreck of the Old 97, a train crash made famous by the song of the same name.
* 1905 - Albert Einstein publishes the paper "Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?" in Annalen der Physik. This paper revealed the relationship between energy and mass.
* 1922 - King Constantine I of Greece abdicates his throne in favor of his eldest son, King George II.
* 1928 - The Republic of China is recognized by the United States.
* 1937 - Last Balinese Tiger killed.
* 1938 - Ocean liner Queen Elizabeth launched in Glasgow.
* 1940 - World War II: The Tripartite Pact is signed in Berlin by Germany, Japan and Italy.
* 1941 - The SS Patrick Henry is launched becoming the first of more than 2,700 Liberty ships.
* 1942 - Glenn Miller and his Orchestra perform for the last time before Miller enters the US Army.
* 1949 - The first Plenary Session of the National People's Congress approves the design of the Flag of the People's Republic of China.
* 1953 - TV Record, Brazilian TV Network, debuts.
* 1954 - The nationwide debut of Tonight! (The Tonight Show) hosted by Steve Allen on NBC.
* 1959 - Nearly 5000 people die on the main Japanese island of Honshu as the result of a typhoon.
* 1964 - The Warren Commission releases its report, concluding that Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, assassinated President John F. Kennedy.
* 1968 - The stage musical Hair opened at the Shaftesbury Theatre in London, where it played 1,998 performances until its closure was forced by the roof's collapsing in July 1973.
* 1977 - The 300 metre tall CKVR-TV transmission tower in Barrie, Ontario, Canada is hit by a light aircraft in a fog, causing it to collapse. All aboard the aircraft are killed.
* 1979 - The United States Department of Education receives final approval from the U.S. Congress to become the 13th US Cabinet agency.
* 1980 - Marvin Hagler defeats Alan Minter to claim boxing's world Middleweight championship in London. They have to be escorted away by police after a riot forms. The greatest man in the world was born in Las Vegas, NV.
* 1983 - Richard Stallman announces the GNU project to develop a free Unix-like operating system.
* 1985 - Hurricane Gloria hits Long Island, New York.
* 1986 - Cliff Burton, ex-Metallica bassist, died in a bus crash in Ljungby, Sweden.
* 1988 - The National League for Democracy, led by Aung San Suu Kyi is founded.
* 1995 - The Government of the United States unveils the first of its redesigned bank notes with the $100 bill featuring a larger portrait of Benjamin Franklin slightly off-center.
* 1996 - In Afghanistan, the Taliban capture the capital city Kabul after driving out President Burhanuddin Rabbani and executing former leader Mohammad Najibullah.
* 1997 - Communications are suddenly lost with the Mars Pathfinder space probe.
* 1998 - Google is established.
* 1999 - The last professional baseball game is played at historic Tiger Stadium in Detroit, Michigan.
* 2002 - Timor-Leste (East Timor) joins the United Nations.
* 2003 - Smart 1 satellite is launched.

Wow, just lame. I read through all of this, and save a couple of "key" dates, this day sucks. As for today, I think this day is special because I discovered that Dustin "Screech" Diamond has a sex tape. Yep. Screech has a sex tape will soon be released:

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Awesome. I cannot wait. Screech wiping poo on a chick's face. And you thought that the picture above was totally irrelevant and sign of my growing dementia. Imagine that mug giving you the "boo-yah" post-sanchezing. And if you don't know what a Dirty Sanchez is, well, my friend, tough cookies. Ask your parents. Anywho, let's keep it short today and end with something that puts a smile to my face. I wish I knew a Florida Gator fan who's NOT my boss so I could go taunt them unmercilessly. Trust me, for this video, you'll want some video. Alas, this won't happen this weekend because a) it's in Gainesville and b) Mike Shula is a moron.

Sniff

2006-09-24T02:25:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting here still sore over two overtime losses. TWO!! First, we get to witness the follies of just terrible kicking by Bama. Then, UAB getting downed by Coach Croom. Not good for the ole ticker. Normally, if I were in Tuscaloosa, the above-depiction would be pretty accurate. I would most likely be a sad/drunk panda propped up against a building who refuses to come indoors and continously claim that "man...Ah'm good man...jus let me be...." Anywho, here are a bunch of pictures of elephants and dragons crying (yeah, I don't know what an elephant and a dragon has to do with the Crimson Tide or the Blazers...so shut it)

This just makes me sad. Kind of like when Dumbo had his momma taken away. But then it was all good cuz he met those stereotype black crows. Boy howdy, they sho' sang some tunes!

Heh. Nothing really cheers me up like a sad elephant in a suit! It's like he just came home after getting chewed out by the bosss and then seeing his wife in the amorous clutches of Babar. It wans't a good day for him.

Just creepy sad. Makes me feel weird in a Dungeons n' Dragons sort of way.

Meh. I couldn't find any other good crying dragons, nor did I see any dragons wearing a blazer.

Slow going

2006-09-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

Well, after the uproarious demands (fine....only one...from Bethany) I have decided to at least attempt to put something up. It's hard being creative when you're getting your ass handed to you at work day in and day out. And being of the non-intelligent type doesn't help. So, something new and exciting shall be posted soon. As I said to Bethany, maybe a concoction of various inhalents and cough syrup will knock out that writer's block. Hell, I guess I made a semi-post by saying that I have nothing to say. How's THAT for creativity! Boo-yah. As I am plumb dry for humorous material, here is the original video to Final Countdown. I often watch this video and cry myself to sleep as I yearn for the glory days of skipping Corporations and sitting on Tim and Julia's couch drinking hobo hooch and watching Japanese people fall on their faces. Good times.

While you are having your socks rocked off, be sure to notice that 3:50 mark, they have pictures of Europe apparantly holding gold records. Talk about setting the trend for bragging about how awesome you are. Take THAT P. Diddly Poo. Also, note the screaming fans that are piped into the video. It's almost like you are in the audience and can FEEL the presence of their mighty monkey fists.

Fifteen Years

2006-09-13T18:26:00.000-05:00

Alas, as of the final out in the New York Mets victory on September 13, 2006, a tremendous and momentous streak has ended. The Atlanta Braves will not be the NL East champion in 2006. Sure, there's still a snowball's chance in hell that we could sneak into the playoffs as a wild card, but there will be chance to win the NL East. It's quite an amazing feat as the Braves have been winning since 1991. Sadly, I feel that this is partially my fault as I decided to stink up the city by moving here. But, that's neither here nor there. Fifteens of dominance is quite impressive, but let's see how much things have changed during this improbable run.

Atlanta Braves

Bobby Cox 91 v. Bobby Cox 06
Sigh. Well, it was quite a sad sight to watch good ol' Bobby get older game by game. I guess after so many roster changes, a domestic disturbance and ownership changes will do that to anybody. Irregardless, he's still a surly sonovabitch who can stare down down a wolf.

France

Frenchy v. ummmm...Frenchy now
Well, I don't know if the French have ncessarily changed much in these years. They used to be just the smelly guy who was lame, but still, he had some pretty good booze and grub. Now, they are just lameasses who not only forget how we saved their ass many times, but also that they suck balls. I really do miss the guy that just went "Sacre bleu!!!! Oh la la!", rolled shitty cigarettes, and did what we told them to do. Which was make more Babar cartoons and cheap wine.

President

Senior v. Junior
Without getting all political and saying who did better in Iraq, I will instead judge which Bush rocked out harder. Well, Senior is rocking out a nasty electric guitar that has the word "PREZ" on it. Pretty sweet. And his licks seem to be driving the ladies wild. Where as W, well, he's just kind of strumming an acoustic. While getting help from a roadie. Hands down, Pappy wins this as he is just dominating that cherry axe.

Teen Angst

Grunge v. Emo
Back in MY day, when you got all emotional and hormone-crazy, you put on some dirty jeans, rocked out a flannel shirt, didn't shave, and moped around. Now, these emo kids have this crazy hair, eyeliner and tight girlie pants while crying in the dark...alone. Well, to be honest, I guess both methods of teenage angst is pretty similar. The only difference is that we didn't look like a punch of pansies. We were at least kind of cool about being pissed off at the world. Not this androgynous he-she bullshit. Damn it kids, why don't you stop wearing tight t-shirts and jeans! Well, at least the male teens.

Bad Ass

Angus MacGyver v. Jack Bauer
Firstly, yes, trust me...his first name was revealed in the show as being Angus. Well...there's no question here. Sure, Jack can save the world from nuclear disaster, but who else would be able to solve a crime all with the contents of his pocket and maybe a paperclip. Also, you can't really argue with MacGyver's mullet.

17 year olds

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen v. Hulk Hogan's Kid
Drooooool.....Kelly Kapowski. I think I can say that many a boys of my age discovered themselves to said Kelly. Well, at least the straight ones. She was such a hottie, and...looks like someone you could take home to Momma. And classy, too. Now, Brooke, she's pretty hot. But look at that, just nothing left to the imagination. And illegal in many states. Not fair, I say. Oh, and not to mention her paps is Hulk Hogan and it's very disturbing when you picture her with a mustache. Winner? No doubt, it's Kelly.

Isn't that ironic?....

2006-09-07T07:17:00.000-05:00

Irony. People such as Alanis will often tell you that irony is something like... I dunno....getting rained on during your wedding or dying on your first plane ride. Or something like getting run over by a Popeye's truck. Etc. etc. Many have debated with that that is truly irony. Well, let's take a gander at what wikipedia has to say:

Irony is best known as a figure of speech (more precisely called verbal irony) in which there is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says, and what is understood. It can also be considered a twist of fate where an eventual occurrence relates back to a particular quote. All the different senses of irony, however, revolve around the notion of incongruity, or a gap between our understanding and what actually happens.

Buh? That sounds like lots of them Harvard talk. I'm not sure what notion of incongruity means, but to make things easier, here are lists of a types of irony and somewhat amusing examples.

Verbal Irony: Similiar to sarcasm, but it's much more implied and not as harsh and direct. A common example is Marc Antony's eulogy of Caesar. Yeah, I don't get it either, but in layman's terms, I think an example would be anything Stephen Colbert says about Bush and Republicans. It's said with a straight face, but it's verbal irony. Another example would be to say in a speech that "Being a lawyer requires great honesty, truth and a desire to fairly demand justice from a flawless system. At the heart of every litigation, an apology as all that is wanted."

Dramatic Irony: This occurs when someone describes a situation, unbenowest that what is said is wholly untrue. For example, this would be akin to Generic Reality Star A saying in the private room that "Generic Reality Star B is my best and most loyal friend on the show", when in truth, Generic Reality Star B is plotting the ouster/voting off/kicking out/firing of said Generic Reality Star A. Only we as the audience (sigh....and there is an audience) is in on the delidcious dramatic irony of Star B's true evil motives. Poor Star A. Moving on.

Situational Irony: This is the irony that most are familiar with. This is a combination of a unfair or unfortuate act that occurs to someone who is not expecting such results. Situational irony will often include the circumstantial or coincidental events that are not true ironies. For example, dying on your first flight ever after overcoming a fear of flying is a situational irony. Way to go, Alannis. But raining on your wedding day? No. Now, that WOULD be ironic if say, you were a weatherman who guarantees forecasts. Or a clown who died of sadness. I'm sure you can think of more.

Irony of Fate (Cosmic Irony):
This is like situational irony, but worse. It's so bad that normally in movies it'll make the lil' lady cry. It's also common for movie characters to turn upwards at God and shake a fist yelling "WHHHHHYYYY!!!!" It's a situational irony that is utterly tragic and makes one question whether there are dubious forces at work. A good example would be a fat person who after working hard to reach his target weight after years of hard work, decides to eat his first piece of fried chicken in years and choking to death on it. Sniff. That just...tears me up man. Twist of Fate Irony is often confused with "just plain shitty luck." There was to be some connection between the twistee and the twister. Like, if you work really hard to get somewhere, and that goal is not there when you reach it, that's just plain shitty luck. It becomes truly ironic is if there was some connection between your actions in reaching the goal and the goal not being there.

Alanis Morrisette: Yes, her song "Ironic", was indeed, NOT ironic. Most of the incidents mentioned (being late and stuck in a jam, winning the lottery and dying) are not examples of irony, but instead just unfortunate coincidences. Now, those incidents may have been ironic if you were late and stuck in a traffic jam, and you are the Director of Keeping Traffic Flowing. I think? I dunno. The point is, the next time you say "Man, that's ironic how so and so happened"...think about it. Do you really want to be some punk Canadian poser who calls everything ironic?

"I don't know?" - wrong answer young Alanis

It's in the air....

2006-08-31T12:20:00.000-05:00

Yes.....it's that time of the year again. The day gets shorter. The wind a bit brisker. The returning droves of kids to school. And, the return of football. There isn't really a much better time for a sports fan then the months of September til March. Where pennant races and baseball playoffs coincide with pro and college football. Where basketball starts up, and right after we get over the Super Bowl, we get greeted with March Madness. Irrespective of which school (or Auburn) you prefer, this is the time to whip out your shakers and school colors, start drinking at 10 on Saturdays, and just have a dang good time. Nothing beats gameday excitement, and sadly, we'll have to recreate it the best we can away from campus. It's exhilirating to remember how 50,000 fans will simultaneously cheer or yell "DAMN IT BRODIE!". Who can forget the myriad of ways of sneaking in libations to the stadium, and yet always running out by the 3rd quarter. Days of yore where friends would drunkenly reach out for help as they were about to fall down the bleachers and grasp only air. Man, those were the days. Anywho, enjoy the season and ROLL TIDE ROLL!

As Good As It Gets....

( * v * ) are awesome!

2006-08-29T12:11:00.000-05:00

So, for the few of you who still actually use IM (and those who don't, get on the dang boat!), you are quite familiar with the concepts of emoticons. Those nice ways to express your emotions on the great internet, you can substitute certain icons. Nowadays, kids got them fancy moving emoticons and talking ones and all that jazz. But, in MY day...we had to use what our keyboards gave us....letters, punctuations, and our gosh dern imagination! For example:

xxxsexyteen6969xxx: asl? ; )
bigcat927: umm.....
xxxsexyteen6969xxx: cool! i'm 19 and super horny : P
bigcat927: uhhh......
xxxsexyteen6969xxx: see more of my pictures here at this link!!!
bigcat927: =)

Of course, that was a simulated conversation, but in general, the old-school emoticons were variations of the following:

: ) - Happy...agreeable...
: ( - Sad...mad...I've pooped my pants...
; ) - Winking...just kidding...flirty...my eyes are bleeding..
:*( - Sad....crying...I have a hideous mole...
: O - Shock...awe...."O" face....I can't believe it's not butter
: P - Nyah!...whatever....*raspberry*...I have only one tooth left...

And so on and so forth. But, for those who want to take it to the next level and have some "adult situations", here are some useful icons. To make this fun, highlight next to the icon to get the answer. Enjoy! Oh, and yes, these are very immature and reflect poorly on myself. : P

1. IIIIIIIID My ding-a-ling

2. IIID Your ding-a-ling

3. ( * v * ) Boobies!!

4. (i) Where babies come from

5. IIIIIID ----- : * o Oops Sploogensen (in the eye!)

6. | * ' * | Underage....pervert

7. ( * ) The pooper

8. : { ) Free mustache ride

9. : { ( Dirty Sanchez

10. ( * )U( * ) Chili Dawg

Grade yourself!
0-3 - The "internet" is a method of communicating to others via computers.
4-7 - Watch out for the FBI. Pervert.
8-10 - You must be great at typing with one hand.

So kids...the next time you want to creep out a friend or just try to talk dirty to that special someone who's miles away...remember:

I want to put my IIIIID in your (i)

Brain Dump

2006-08-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, so explanation time for the delay in posts. A few days ago, we had one of those random summer thunderstorms. Except this one dominated my apartment. Alarms were going off by the minute with thunderstrikes sounding very close. But, due to my immense stupidty, I continued to happily type away at the ole computer. So, lo and behold, a nasty power surge kills my PC. Yeah, I had a surge protector and all the OTHER things connected to it survived, as it should. Thankfully, my Dell decided that it was special and gave a nice BZZZAP sound as it's last goodbye. And, to make matters worse, my neighbors wireless is down, so I was without internet at the homestand. Nonetheless, I'm back baby!

So, let's just drop a couple of random thoughts that have gone through my head.

1) Pluto
Well, sad news today for astronomy fans. Seems that our favorite loveable dog planet has been given the ol' heave-ho. Seems that the Harvard-types who decide how many planets there are felt that Pluto was too small and pathetic to be counted as a true "Classical Planet." I say nuts to that. First off, what are kids to do now? What happens to "My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas"??? I mean, if there's no pizzas involved, then I have to question the designation of being "very excellent." The new mnemonic is not very tasteful "My Very Erotic Mother Just Screwed Uncle Norm". That Norm. What an asshole. And what about Pluto? I don't think he's gonna take the news very well. Observe.

Shock -------------> Sadness------->Anger-------->Drunken Acceptance

2) Two-A-Days
This is that new show about the tough life of being a football player at Hoover High. As the description states "It follows the Hoover High football team as they try for their fourth consecutive state championship title; while balancing school, relationships, and friends at the same time." Man, sounds like a tough life. I'm sure many of y'all have seen the commercials (especially the chick in the green.....tasty). Future story lines include deciding which cheerleader to date, which free scholarship to take, and trying to pass basic math and science courses. Oh, there's no sour grapes here. Getting the red-carpet treatment and yada yada, well they deserve it. Man, nobody ever gave the math team that shit. Well, at least when I was on the team before getting cut (true story). I'm not one to dog on the amount of adulation and praise that athletes get, I love sports. Still, it's a big disenchanting to see that the vile known MTV has penetrated sweet home Alabama. The last thing we need is for the Laguna Beach attitude to destroy our simple country ways. I just wonder how being in a TV show on MTV would have affected me, assuming that anybody would even care to watch a show about some goofy Asian in Alabama. Actually, that sounds like a million-dollar idea.

Yep, they threw a premiere party....and yep,that's the chick in green from the commercial....methinks I should watch the show now?

3) Bologna...Baloney
I dunno which is the acceptable version. I know that it's Oscar Mayer's BOLOGNA on the packages. But the song is song "My BALONEY has a fist name...it's O-S-C-A-R..." So, quite a conundrum. I think Bologna is the stupid Eurotrash way of spelling it, thus I'm gonna go with good ol' 'Merican Baloney. My point is that the other day, I decided to get me a pack of baloney as I haven't had any in a while. I've always enjoyed a good baloney sammich as a kid. Alas, curiosity struck, and I took a gander at the "ingredients":

Mechanically Separated Chicken, Pork, Water, Corn Syrup, Salt, Contains Less Than 2% Of Flavor, Autolyzed Yeast, Sodium Erythorbate (Made From Sugar), Sodium Nitrite, Dextrose, Oleoresin Paprika, Sodium Phosphates, Sugar, Potassium Chloride

Mechanically separated chicken? I guess that means then that most of the chicken I ate is manually separated? I don't really like the fact that some robot is chopping up my future Popeye's. Lo and behold, I was not deterred by the mechano-chicken or pork in the baloney. Instead, I decided to go with the nice and cheap Kroger imitation brand. As I dropped it in my cart, being the child I am, I giggled at the thought of purchasing phony baloney. I'm not sure why it's funny, but that's probably also why I feel that the greatest joke in the world is this:

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: NACHO CHEESE!!!!

AHHAHHAHAHAHAH....Ok, I'm spent....that joke RULES!

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL!!!

2006-08-15T10:46:00.000-05:00

Alright. Just keep calm, folks. I suggest that if you are reading this, please take a seat. Well, who the fuck stands at a computer? Anyways, the point is, take a deep breath.

Bird flu virus found in 2 wild Michigan swans!!!

Yes, that's right. Panic. Horror. Shock. Tears. Now, nevermind the fact that this is the non-deadly strain, the point is that, soon, all of avian friends may be in danger. Namely, the chicken. The beautiful, tasty, chicken. Now, I've already stocked my fridge with a year's supply of frozen Popeye's, but I will provide some handy tips on how to deal with an impending chicken shortage.

Chicken Drought Tips:
1) Kill yourself.

Yeah. I don't know if I can live in a world where my protein source will be in the form of tofu-bird that can't even be deep fried. Last night, as I watched the Braves woop some ass, I accidentally ordered meatless chicken strips. First off, why even say "Meatless Chicken Strips"??? I mean, just call them veggie fingers or whatever. So, after stiffing the delivery boy on tip for taking 45 minutes, I noticed that the "chicken" strips were oddly shapped.
This is the bleak future that we look forward to. A world where chicken fingers, strips, nuggets and chunklets will all be tofu masquerading as chicken. It really does bring a tear to my eye. I've drafted a detailed plan of non-stop chicken hoarding and special "bubbles" for chickens that are germ-free zones. Alas, all will probably be for naught as soon, we will ALL be eating Popeye's Cajun-Styled Tofu. Love that Tofu from Popeye's. Sniff. I'm sorry, I have to stop. This is just too painful. So, for lunch and dinner today, please, have some chicken. Savor it. Cherish it. For it may be your last taste of sweet ecstasy.

Pussy...

2006-08-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

Aha...so with the title, you were presuming that this entry would be filled with dirty, misogynist, sexist discussions about the female body part known as the hoo-hoo dilly. Well, you, my femi-nazi friend, would be quite wrong. Instead, this will be a collection of pictures of cats and kittens that have managed to grab my attention. Of course, pussies have often grabbed my attention, of course, I mean kitten-variety that are cute, hilarious, or just downright absurd. Thus. here are a few pictures of cats that I have found to have created a chuckle, chortle, titter, and an occasional tear. I claim no credit for these pictures as they are all of the creation of others. I would think that this is a disclaimer to NOT SUE ME. But whatever, if the owner of a picture of a cute kitten wants to sue me for damages from copyright issues, I say "Bring it". You can garnish my meager wages and take my collection of Simpsons toys and Popeye's coupons. Hell, not only are they unoriginal, the posting is also uncreative as many may be quite aware of such pictures, and I am just desperate for ideas. Anywho, as I say in many of my unrealistic dreams, "Let's bring on some pussy!!!" (Editor's note: In honesty, there will be probably only a couple of kitten pictures, the others will just be random stuff that I have found quite amusing. And for some reason they all deal with masturbation. Take that for what you will.)

That alone is quite scary. Those cats, they are dirty peeping toms.

Don't ask why, but there's quite an internet fad dedicated to cats and masturbation. Of course, this rule only applies to men who do the dirty deed.

Please, we need more puppies in this world.

This really has nothing to do with cats or dogs or masturbation, but, come on, that old Chinese fellow is getting the ride of his life! I don' t know if these are the perks you get for being old in China, but man, I guess Commie China's got it tough. Whatever happened to a good ole rickshaw!

Scooby-Doo...where are you???

2006-08-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

Or Nancy Drew. Or the Hardy Boys. I need all of y'all's help because I got me a true noodle scratcher. For many who read this garbage called a "blog", you have had the misfortune of visiting my humble apartment. A small, cramped apartment with really nothing of interest. Well, last Friday, after a night out at Loca Luna's, I came home. The mystery starts here. I've been taking to turning my alarm on as there's no need for burglars to break in and steal my booze. So, my door has one of these doo-hickeys on the back.

The point of those things is that you can flip it when you are inside and it prevents the door from being opened or whatever. The point is that you can't get in from outside even if you have the key. So, as I came home, I opened the door and *bam*. Door is jammed by that thing! As I panic, I realize that my alarm is going off, so luckily my small Chinese hards were small enough to slip in and disarm the alarm. So, that's one thing done. Now, the question was how I was supposed to get in the apartment. First off, I was pretty concerned because that the only feasible way that the door was locked that way was if someone was inside. But, that wouldn't make MUCH sense as they would have had to know how to disarm my alarm. So, I realized that I probably didn't lock my porch door, which I hadn't. I climbed onto my porch, came in, and reached for my 5-iron. After checking all 2 rooms in my apartment, I sat down and pondered some more. So, for the smart detective-type kids out there, here's my query to you:

Facts:
1) My alarm was set and nobody knows my password (I think).
2) No windows or doors were open or breached.
3) If someone were to have pulled a prank (who the fuck would?) they would have had to get into my apartment, disable the alarm, flip the lock, and then go out the side door, while also re-arming the alarm system. Not feasible.
4) Nothing was taken.
5) I don't have pets or strong gale force winds in my apartment that could have flipped the lock while I was gone.
6) I had a scotch and a beer that night. I was NOT drunk or even close to buzzing or under any other influences.

Theories:
1) The only possible theory I have is that a combination of slamming my door and the woosh of air entering the apartment as I closed the door somehow blew the lock slightly in place of locking. I don't know if that makes much sense, but I tested it a few times as I tried to slam the door in a variet of ways to see if it would catch. No luck.
2) The boogie man is out to get me as my place is hainted.
3) A million to one shot occurrences.
4) The FBI/CIA broke in to bug my apartment. Now, that's pretty creepy, but I haven't done anything even remotely close to deserving any federal attention. Well, I do have an underground collection of illegal animals and I have torn the tag off my mattress. This is pretty fertile ground for theories as you all know, paranoia and conspiracies are my cup of tea. Remember, I LOVE AMERICA and I am a good Republican.

So, sleuth away with any reasonable (or unreasonable) answers. I'm just gonna sit in my tin-foil hat and try to think only about bunnies and George W. Bush.

They're watching me!!!

Field Guide to Sexual Types

2006-08-02T13:43:00.000-05:00

Hetero. Homo. Bi. Trans. A. So many terms to place in front of sexual to describe how you are. It seems thought that them fancy Madison Avenue types want to create MORE prefixes to describe what kind of sexual you may be. Let's take a gander at a few of the more interesting terms. An accompanying picture will help you in this handy-dandy field guide. And worry not, I won't go for the cheap laughs and post pics of friends; that's just unprofessional.

Metrosexual - This stupid description flourished during around 2003-4. With the advent of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, David Beckham and other effeminate male traits, advertisers and pundits decided that there was a new class of men: a heterosexual male who is in touch with his feminine side - he colour coordinates, cares deeply about exfoliation, and has perhaps manscaped. I have no idea what the fuck manscaping involves, but it sounds rather fruity and painful. This term has thankfully died out as most just realized that a metrosexual was essentially a closeted banana-grabber. Of course, I personally feel that I am the essential metro. Oh, and ladies, if you know someone who justifies having more hair-gel and exfoliator than you do due to being metro, I suggest flashing them or rubbing your boobs in their face as a test of the sexuality. Seriously, do it.

Ubersexual - This was coined in the book "The Future of Man". The future of men, proclaim the authors, is "not to be found in the primped and waxed boy who wowed the world with his nuanced knowledge of tweezers and exfoliating creams. Men, at the end of the day, will have to rely on their intellect and their passion, their erudition and professional success, to be acknowledged and idealised in contemporary society." Examples included Bono, George Clooney and John Stewart. Again, this seems nothing like the machinations of the evil liberal media. Where's a good, clean conservative like Bill O'Reilly or that sexy (M)Ann Coulter? Irregardless, words such as intellect, erudite, urbane, classy and success seem to describe a certain somebody....but who?

Suave...sophisticated...the total package

Machosexual - The newest term to be coined in an article by Best Life. Yeah, I've never heard of this magazine either, but they try hard to create a new buzzword.

"The new macho is the old macho," said Stephen Perrine, editor in chief of Best Life magazine. "It is about being competent and feeling traditional, filling traditional male roles."

he recent demise of Cargo, a men's magazine dedicated solely to shopping, has been hailed as a death knell of the metrosexual trend.

Perrine pinpoints the death of the metrosexual to a moment in last year's hit comedy "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," when Steve Carrell's character has his chest waxed.

When they ripped the chest hair off Steve in 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin,' a whole generation of men said if that's what women want, I'd rather stay a virgin," Perrine said.

The metrosexual is the guy you call about waxing his eyebrows. The macho guy is the one you call to kill the spider. It's about competence, care and being there to value and care for family and children."

The new macho yet sensitive role models are actors such as Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman and Heath Ledger, Perrine said.

Well, Ste-phen Perrine (French, of course), way to go. Men don't like being fancy boys. Shocker. He also pinpoints a Jim Belushi book (ha) and the new ads such as Miller Lite's Man Laws as showing that guys are interested in being "macho". I got news for ya, Frenchy, I don't think most guys ever wanted to manscape or whatever. It was the damn Cosmos and Redbooks that told girls we liked that shit, and it was our hidden desire to shop and play dress-up. All I can say is if Russell Crowe is considered the epitome of a machosexual, count me in. If there's anything I've always wanted to do, it's making movies...making music....and fighting 'round the world!

"These China-men can grow to over five feet tall and in a fight are known to kick with their legs!"

Retrosexual - This "is a person who is a romantic traditionalist -- or, alternately, a modest but distinguished Alpha Male." Those who don't like retros critique them on their undeveloped or underdeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his

Pomosexual - Someone who doesn't want to associate with any sex. Or, as them eggheads up north put it, an "erotic reality beyond the boundaries of gender, separatism, and essentialist notions of sexual orientation." Huh? I think what they mean is that this is kind of a David Bowie-esque androgyny where everybody just fucks in a massive orgy of asexual people...all while high on coke. Let's just move on.

This is the grandaddy of them all:
TRISEXUAL - As defined from Wikipedia:
Trisexual (sometimes trysexual) is a term coined by analogy to bisexual. It is so far not well-defined, but is used variously to refer to:

* someone who is sexually interested in transgender persons in addition to cisgender men and women
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women, and oneself (autosexuality)
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women, and animals (bestiality)
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women and vegetables (lachanophilia)
* someone who will try any sexual experience

Just..wow.....I got nothing to add.... Thank you and good night.

Royale wit' cheese

2006-07-27T17:10:00.000-05:00

Vincent: And you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Vincent: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.
Jules: Then what do they call it?
Vincent: They call it a Royale with cheese.
Jules: A Royale with cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
Vincent: Well, a Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac.
Jules: Le Big-Mac. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Whopper?
Vincent: I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King.

Submitted for your approval, is a quick tour of the various offerings from McD's. Most sound pretty damn tasty.

MCDONALD'S WORLD TOUR

Massive McMuffin
The name says it all. This meat-tastic sandwich is brought to you by the fine folks at your local New Zealand McD. While really not anything unique or impossible to achieve here in the states, it's still a mighty nice sammich. It makes me wish I woke up early so I can get breakfast. Instead, I enjoy giving myself the least amount of time available before work so I can be very rushed and forget files and etc.

SPAM, Eggs and Rice
I can't say I have a problem with any of the three ingredients. Some things in life are good by themselves and don't need no crazy combinations. It's kind of like acombining Popeyes, baseball and porno all at once (AKA Victor's Saturday nights). Apparently, in that crazy place called Hawaii, the natives are big fans of SPAM. I haven't had SPAM in ages, but I tell you what, you crack open a can and fry them up, that's some good eating.

Chicken Maharaja Mac
In the great land of India, where cows are sacred, there's no such thing as a Big Mac. Luckily for the Indians who enjoy the meats, McD's offers this tasty treat. Nevermind that the chicken may contain the spirits of a relative, it's not cow at least. It's sounds pretty good as it's essentially a Big Mac without cows or the secret sauce. Although, there is some sort of orangish sauce in the picture, which may be chutney-based.

McCurry Pan
We stay in India for this next crazy offering. All I will say is that it looks like somebody threw up in a coffin. The official description is "A rich Béchamel eggless sauce mixed with exotic vegetables like broccoli, baby corn, mushrooms, red capsicum and freshly baked on rectangular spiced bread with a cheese topping." There's about 3 words in that sentence I don't understand, but the gist seems to be "no meat" and therefore, not tasty. Also, don't ask why, but the Injun McD website is in English. Good for them!

Pizza McPuff
This product is found all over the world where a McDonald's lacks a decent local product. They will roll out this oversized Jeno's Pizza Roll, which according to some, is akin to our McRib. Natives will stab each other with sharpened goat bones in order to get the last McPuff. It seems that whoever is the Marketing Director at McD's international seems to think like I do in making names. It's a pretty simple formula: Product McDescription. For example, Chicken McFried. Or Penis McLong. It's nowhere near as smart as my name for Julia, Hippy McStinkerton, but you get the picture. The point remains though that this McPuff looks like McShit.

Beef "Fan"-tastic
From my homeland of China comes this crazy looking burger. First, the name of the burger itself is pretty unique as it is a play on words s "fan" is Chinese for rice. As you can kind of see, the buns are basically two glutinous rice patties. The filling is sliced teriyaki beef with grilled onions and lettuce. Sounds kind of good in a Chinese-kind of way. It's like making a grilled cheese sandwhich with rice cakes instead of toast. It also sounds like something that would be huge in places like Berkeley or Seattle because a) it involves rice, which hippy liberal whites love as it makes them feel "sophisticated" and "worldly" and b) it's un-American.

McAfrika
This one wins the award for worst naming. It definitely breaks the "Product McDescription" formula. First off, this sammich is from Norway. It was an attempt to show that the burger had African spices and ingredients. Like beef. Which, as we all know, is purely African. Of cousre, our fine Norwegian brethren have protested as the irony of naming a fatty and opulent sammich after the poorest and hungriest continent did not sit well with the Olafs and Ulas of Oslo. While critics may claim that the name is "tasteless", believe you me, that burger itself looks absolutely delicious. If offensive burgers are the new rage, maybe McD's can come out with a new Italian-style burger called the Wopper. I'd buy that for a dollar.

Lastly, it is a little known fact that there is another member of the Grimace family. That's right, introducing...

UNCLE O'GRIMACEY

Yep, Grimace apparantly has a bit o' the Irish luck in him. This drunken uncle would appear in national campaigns around St. Paddy's day back in the 70's when McD's had a Shamrock Shake. O'Grimacey was renowned for farting the alphabet and giving squirrels' a stiffy. Just for the hell of it. Sadly, Uncle O'Grimacey's penchant for tea-bagging one-legged hookers and flashing the Fry Guys led to him succumbing to Hepatitis C.

Creative Writing 101

2006-07-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

As all two of you readers may be aware, things have been slow on the updates. I can only blame insane boredom and having nothing really exciting happen to stir up the ole creative bone. The most exciting thought to pop in my head recently was the image of swimming in a vat of hot chicks and Popeye's. I'm pretty sure nobody needs to hear any more of the story other than "yak'em". I stumbled upon the a webiste "www.creativewritingprompts.com". Apparantly, it's just a bunch of random ideas that supposedly can help jog your creative pickle. So, here goes. I'm going to try to do as many as I can for a stretch of a week, one a day, and see how many people I can bore to death.

Day 1 - "Use all of these words in a poem: crash, crumpled paper, straw, gravel, ochre"

This creative assignment is a piece of trash
Heaps and heaps of crumpled paper
Seems I should give up and crash
Gotta watch out for that rumpled raper
It's pretty obvious I'm grabbing at straws
This poem's smooth like glass and gravel
I like to suck on fish named craws
Especiallly in Nawlins, where I like to travel
I met this chick with hair of ocre
Damn, I'd wish I could poke her.

Yeesh, I dunno what's worse, this lame attempt at a poem, or the fact that i spent about 20 minutes trying to rhyme with straws. I'd like to blame that site for lame ideas, but I pretty sure it's mostly my lack of talent. I don't really know how to salvage this pathetic attempt at a post of humor, so I'm just quit before it gets any worse. I'm welcome to any ideas, or, perish the thought....guest appearances.

Get off my lawn...you damn kids!!!

2006-07-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

So, I've been recently accused by some friends as being a surly old coot. Not that being grumpy is necessarily a bad thing, but I've decided that I probably have the mindset of a 68 year-old Florida retiree. All those damn kids and their hippity-hop type music, those singer-songwriters who have girlie hair and sing in girlie voices (damn you, James Blunt and Maroon 5!) and that M-Tee-Vee. With that said, this will be a nice, long rant about what's wrong with kids today. And having a little brother who's entering that generation, I get good and pissed when I hear what he thinks is "cool.

1) MTV - "You think about this: when you get old, these kids - when *I* get old - they're going to be running the country...Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me." - Principal Richard Vernon

Well, I don't want to get into this before I've gotten my coffee, but what the hell. Since this channel is stuck between my cable range for ESPN and the Cartoon Network, I often have to scan by it on my surfing trips. I'm sure most of y'all are aware of that God-awful show, "My Super Sweet Sixteen." Man, just saying the title makes me want to vomit. My like, totally, SUPER SWEET sixteen! I hope most see the evil of the ways, but for those who may watch it with a starry-eyed gleam, you suck. The crux of this show is essentially to glorify how awful teenagers can be when they are given an excess amount of money. A typical episode usually involves some semi-attractive stereotypical girl who wants to through a HUGE party at the parent's expense. The part of the show I unfortunately suffered through had a scene where this girl and her friend having a big to-do about who can and can't come to the party. To get on the list, they had to do a dance-off in front of her. Heh, while I admit that's kind-of cool in a totally Ice Queen-bitch move, it still is pretty lame. And to be shown on TV, no less. I don't know what the redeeming value of this show is, but then again, I love me some wrasslin', so I can't say diddly-poo about pointless shows. Tarnations, I lost my train o' thought. The point is that with these "reality" shows like My Super Sweet Sixteen and Bride-zilla (totally heinous brides freaking about their wedding), I don't know what the message seems to be. I'm hoping it's just for the pure "train-wreck" aspect, but methinks that it's slowly seeping into the minds of the youth's that that should be the norm. All I know is that last night, as I channel-surfed after the Braves ass-wooping, I saw Sweet Sixteen, some show about girls looking for action and Girls Gone Wild commercials. It seems that the message TV sends me is a) chicks are horny all the time, b) chicks dig money and c) all girls are conniving and evil. You feminists out there are probably pissing your man-pants, but, hey, get to stepping as y'all are blowing it!

2) Fashion - Yeah yeah, so I know jackshit about fashion. And I admit that I'm still behind the times in terms of accepting what's "cool". Even though I still find guys wearing pink un-American, I don't choke on my own anger as often about it. Light or salmon pink, fine. Blazing hot pink. Got-dang it! But, nothing really pisses me off even more so than the popped collar. I've tried this so-called fad a couple of times at Braves games, and I can tell you, I felt truly like an asshole. I don't get what the point of the popped collar is, but high-school girls were not flocking to my coolness. Not only that, but the popped collar affected both my chopping ability AND the Braves lost. Whatever happened to the good ol' days where a dude looked cool sporting some CK jean shorts and a Duck Head shirt?

3) Music - "Sensitive" singer-songwriters singing in falsetto. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. American Idol. Snoop selling mints instead of rapping. Songs ripping off 80s hits. Sexy underage singers. I'll let the Cos finish up my rant.

Post 69!!!

2006-07-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

Oh buddy. In order to celebrate such a grand number, we're going to get a little blue. This might not be safe for the kids and the virgin eyes of folks, so read on at your own abandon. We're gonna take a little stroll down the origins of some of our favorite sexual terms and how they arose. Heh. This will be a XXX euphemism fest and probably pretty offensive. But, hell, I'm already seen as a racist, so why not add "filthy pervert" to the list. So, let's go.

1) Blowjob - To me, this has always been one of the greatest oxymorons. Like jumbo shrimp, vegetarian hamburger and Auburn Championship, the connotation of blow job boggles the mind. It's been a while, but from what I recall, there really isn't much blowing involved. Unless you are dealing with a chick (or guy...I guess) who has absolutely no concept of sex and what feels good, there should the complete opposite action of blowing. In fact, I would surmise that blowing into said whamdoodle would not feel too good. It's an out-hole, for Pete's sake! *Shudder* Now, someone with more knowledge may claim that it feels good, but I just can't imagine air and pressure being internally directed would feel any better than a douche/enema. Then again, some of y'all out there are fucking disgusting. 'Nuff said. Thus, the question is, where did this term come from? According to wikipedia:

The common slang term blow-job is a misnomer, as blowing is not normally part of fellatio. In fact, blowing air into a partner's penis is an unhealthy practice. It is most commonly thought to be a facetious use of "blow" as the opposite of "suck". It has been suggested to be a corruption of "below-job", allegedly an old Victorian slang term that was commonly used to describe the act. However, there is a third school of thought that believes the word "blow" in "blow-job" indicates the climax of the penis (compare to blowing of a volcano). The phrase "blow-job" originated in the 1940's.

Wow, such eloquence almost makes me feel almost sophisticated. Leave it to the British to give us some ass-backwards slang. Not only can they not drive on the right side of the street, they deprived the English language of the term "suckjob". Oh well. An interesting thought was what this was called in other languages. To save the time, I will supply my own joke for the peanut gallery. I suggest "I'll ask Victor's mom what it is in Chinese after she's done." Oh, and notice that the above t-shirt is for girls, so "nyah" to you feminists out there.

2) 69 - If you really need explanation, well, then you hopefully are a chick because I can't think of any guy who doesn't know what it is. From 6th grade on, any time the number pops up in any situation, I think there's a gene that requires a guy to snicker or cheer. But, for the uninitiated or confused, this is a stinking French term for the process of simultaneous oral stimulation for both partners. They claim it's based on what you look like when in the process, the round parts of 69 being your heads and the long part being your naughty parts. Boy howdy, ain't them Frenchies creative. Even though it's a pretty cool activity, it does mix the concept of "work and play". No more just sitting there and taking it. I tell you what though, a 69 is probably better than his lesser-known cousin 60, which involves eating an entire pizza by yourself in bed. Nudity is optional and frankly not recommended as tomato sauce can scald.

Close enough.

3) UFIA - In a term that's been bandied around recently, some may
wonder what this acronym stands for. It is an "unsolicited finger in ass". It's as painful as it sounds. This is also known as a redeye or a Pittman Special. There really is no backstory as the description is pretty obvious. Finger choice is usually up to the UFIAers choice, but most commonly, the thumb is often the professional's choice.

4) Spank the Monkey, Flog the Dolphin, Choke the Chicken, Charm the Snake, et. al. - All these terms relate the favorite pastime activity of boys age 13-83. While some of the terms are based on the image of self-gratification, it always confused me as my frank and beans don't really resemble a monkey or a chicken. I was going to argue that it didn't really look like a dolphin either, but I forgot about the fact that both have blowholes and they both bob up and down when they smell fish. The notion of choking, spanking or flogging doesn't seem to describe what I normally am accustomed to. In fact, both those actions seem to be quite undesirable and preventive of good times. As for charming, well, I'll leave it at that and move on.

5) Playing the Piano Downstairs, Fingerpainting, Drilling for Oil - There's really not much to be said other than "Boo-yah". And don't deny it ladies. It's only natural.

Cute fuzzy animals say "Get your mind out of the gutter"

Big City Living

2006-07-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Ah, Atlanta is such a fine town. Not only do I get to deal with crippling smog, traffic up the pooper, and semi-aggressive hobos, I get to relate this "only funny to me" stories. Here goes nothing.

1) There is a Publix located right in Midtown Atlanta. It's one of those unique situations where yuppies and the homeless co-exist. As an aspiring hobo, I've learned that the supermarket is often a hobo's best friend. Other than finding a half-dranken beer, a supermarket is like hitting the lottery. First, the dumpsters are essentially buffets. Then, you got a free car lot with shopping carts as far as the dirty eye can see. Sadly, the fine folks at Publix have put an end to this homeless nirvana. As most stores do, they have locked the dumpsters. Fair enough. Now, they go one step further. Knowing that shopping carts are the lifeblood of the bum, they have installed these fancy auto-lock carts. They have some gadget on the back wheel that will lock the wheels when you roll the carts past a certain distance. Kind of like those invisible fences for dogs. If you take the cart past this line, they shut down!!! Yep, it's like the Club for shopping carts. I think a sign of society's downfall is when you have anti-theft protection for shopping carts. Sadly, I was unable to test out the effectiveness as the parking lot security gave me the "Sir, where are you going?" Curses, foiled again! But, the war on transients is going to a whole new level. I may have to rethink my gameplan on surviving on $5 a day.

2) You would think that old people would steer clear of big city living. Especially at 12 in the AM. Normally, drive-throughs at this time are reserved for semi-drunken folks who have the need for some onion rings, a cheese burrito and a cherry coke with no ice. You don't expect to see Gramma Jenkins with her big-ass Continental. Sadly, old people don't get smarter as the day gets later. At the local McDonald's, it seemed that Granny Smith wanted to try the "new" Sweet Tea. (As a non sequitar, the southern-styled chicken sammich ain't worth your time...just go to Chick-fil-A...unless it's Sunday). So, she drives on through, parks probably two 5-year olds away from the speakerbox. She was loud enough that I could hear her order. But, she was probably closer to my car than to the box. After many exchanges of "Large senior sweet tea" and "Speak English, por favor." She just drove up to the front. Yeah, that's the extent of the story. Point is, old people should not be ordering food at midnight. I don't know how they do things here in the big city, but back where I'm from, our elderly went to sleep at 7:45, and that's the we liked it, dagnabbit!

3) Journey. Without Steve Perry. Sold-Out. Yeah, I don't get it, either. As the day nears, I don't think I can get any tickets at a reasonable non-Steve Perry price! It blows my mind that these big-city folks would shell out $90 to see two bands with drummers that have a total of three arms. And, let me mention again, NO STEVE PERRY! The replacement is Steve Augeri. As you can see in the picture, he's kind of like a Sam's Choice Brand; not as attractive or nicely packaged (heh) as the real deal, but still basically the same thing. Hell, their names even rhyme! I'm not paying $50 to see some cheap knock-off. It's like wanting to experience SEC football and going to an Auburn game. Sure, you'll get a taste of the real deal, but in the end, you end up reeking of mullet and Skoal. But, Foreigner tickets are still available. It's in Peachtree City (which is essentially Bumfuck Egypt) and nobody wants to go. Even when I offered to rent a T-top Camaro and roll down there with some High Life and jean shorts, nobody I know was interested. Maybe I need to hang out with the 40, twice-divorced and working at Payless Shoes folks.

4) Most people are probably familiar with craigslist.com. It's like a community website for your city. You can look for jobs, dates, tickets, etc etc. Almost all major cities have it, even Huntsville! But, alas, there isn't much activity. There's on interesting section under the personals section called "Missed Connections." Here's the gist of it: You see some hottie and are too afraid to talk to her, but you make eye contact. Puss out, go home onto your computer and post (ACTUAL POST) "You were at Eatzi's Sunday night. You were blonde and wearing a pink tank top and skirt. I was dressed down in a white t shirt and khaki shorts with glasses. We caught eyes but you were on your cell phone. If you see this and remember me, write back. " Pretty good stuff for the hopeless romantic/murderous stalker types. I did scope out the pages for Huntsville, Birmingham and Jacksonville. One in Jax said "In the bar during the WC finals. You were cheering for France and rocking some fly playboy gear. Your awesome fist-pumps and European ways make me want to wave the white flag and surrender to you."

5) For no reason...here's Apu. And man, he's living my dream:

"Cuz I'm...HOT-BLOODED, Check it and see! I gotta fever of a hundred and three!"

UPDATE: According to MTV.com (I'll give you one guess why I happened upon the link), "Current Journey singer Steve Augeri has been forced to leave the band's tour with Def Leppard due to a chronic throat infection. Jeff Scott Soto, who has previously performed with Journey guitarist Neal Schon, will take over beginning Friday (7/7/06) in Bristow, Virginia." So, yeah, $80 for the third-stringer Steve Perry. I don't think so.

I see dead people...

2006-07-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

With my week long hiatus/vacation, I would think that coming back, my creative batteries would be all sorts of recharged. My mind would be awash in witty situations and unique observations. Doh. I'd like to think that spending the time with old friends would create great new stories. As such, I'll blame my friends for not doing more dumbass stuff so that I could mock them on this blog. I guess I have to blame myself, too, as I did nary a dumbass thing. Well, I wouldn't say I was dumbass-free, but nothing worthy of reprinting as it's my usual "drink too much scotch and put salt in people's hair" type stuff. Nothing funny, just usual jerkish immature stuff. Anyways, we'll try to move on from there and attempt some humor.

One interesting note from the 4th, we went to see the Bodies Exhibition in Atlanta. In case y'all ain't familiar with these big-city goings, it's essentially a bunch of dead people arranged in ways to see how our body works. For you doctors and nurses, it's probably no different than what gross anat was like. And for people who were at one point pre-med before getting D's in organic chem, it's not terribly frightening. Or so I thought. There's something just very creepy about a body stripped of it's skin and just on exhibit. What's even creepier is the amount of people there who wanted to give it the touchy-touch. Anyways, there were tons of exhibits for each of the human systems like respiratory, skeletal, and of course, reproductive. It's one thing to see a penis split in half in an anatomy book; it's another thing to see an actual dead penis cut in half. Needless to say, I had one of those quiet screams and slowly backed off. Boy, I didn't know that that's what he looked like on the inside, but that's the last time I need to see it cut in half. Seeing the hoo-hoo dilly cut in half wasn't really all that, either. There were some creepy exhibits with the hall of birth defects and fetuses (fetusi?). But, the whole time, I did notice that the people seemed to have slanted eyes. I thought perhaps that that was what they looked like without skin and being DEAD. Also, Pittman remarked that all the johnsons were pretty small and unimpressive as he likes the bigger ones. Alas, despite opening myself up for penis-length jokes, I shall move ahead with the anecdote. As we neared the end, they described the source and process of these bodies. Apparently, these were bodies from a Chinese university. My first thought was "Damn Commies! Selling people's bodies to make a buck." Second thought: "Hm, Pittman's gonna have a field day with the stupid small penis jokes." Last thought: "Dang, I guess that's what I'm gonna look like when I kick the bucket...but with a bigger schlong." All in all, I think it's pretty educational and interesting to look at a bunch of dead Chinaman. If anything, it'll prove to certain people that Asian women do NOT have sideways vaginnys.

Yeah, that's one person...
His skeleton is holding hands with the rest of him...and he DOES look Asian!

When it rains...it pours

2006-06-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

Alright, it just seems that things can't get much worse. Not only do my beloved Braves suck worse than Tim's mom looking for rent money, now they have started dredging the depths of suckitude for promotional usage. First, Delta Airlines decides that their face for the company should be Jeff Francoeur. For those unfamiliar with my hatred of him, in a nutshell, he is a goober who swings at the first pitch and every subsequent pitch. He is the bane of my existence. I figure that it is fitting that Delta chose him as both are very shitty and try to gain sympathy by being the local choice. The message is "Hey, we know we suck, but come on, we're kind of attractive and from the Atlanta area". Now, on Turner South, the Braves have hired artists in the past to remix the Braves war chant. Artists such as Cee-Lo and Travis Tritt have added their own unique sound. This next artist, in what I can only assume is the Braves method of trying to relive the glory days of the 90s, embodies what is oh so wrong about the Braves. Try not to drink or eat anything while watching this video as undoubtedly whatever said thing you're eating or drinking will most likely come out your nose. Watch in horror.

Apparantly, its 1992 again.

Don't stop.....belieeeevin'

2006-06-24T00:44:00.000-05:00

For those that mocked my law school show idea, I just have to say that my idea was pretty decent because if this shit can get on TV, then why not my idea?

The final chapter may have been written for CBS' "Tuesday Night Book Club." The reality series was pulled from the CBS schedule after two low-rated episodes, a network spokesman said Thursday.

The Tuesday reality show, which followed the lives of members of a book club in Scottsdale, Ariz., will be replaced by reruns of "48 Hours Mystery."

Wow. Just...wow. Who the FUCK thought that a show about a book club would be interesting? If it wasn't for the glass o' cheap scotch that's making me feel groovy, I might have to write an angry letter to CBS. I mean, some shows are borderline assinine, but passable as an idea. But, what possible entertainment could be found in a fucking book club??? "Oh no! Drama erupts as Annabeth claims that Maya Angelou was white!" Sigh. I can't even type as the anger is clouding my vision. All I can say is.....just a small town girl....living in a lonely world....Come on, you guys and gals really think I'd go this many posts without a Steve Perry moment? Puh-lease. Enjoy, and feel free to sing along and/or scream like a school girl. I'm pretty good at both.

Sniff...I swore I wouldn't cry

The first day of Summer

2006-06-21T11:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Summer Day! As today is the first official day of summer, I figure we can talk about something that is long gone and will never return to us. So as I walked through a local shopping mall for my brief lunch, I noticed an exorbitant amount of kids and teens running around. As my trusty cane was not nearby, I did not have the chance to give this truants a good wooping. Alas, the truth dawned on me that these kids weren't trouble-making hooligans, but just out enjoying their Summer Break. Yep. Those two words seem wholly foreign now as I didn't even realize that that was accounting for all the increasing frequency of high school girls wearing short-shorts walking around. Or so I've been told. But, in honor of glory days past, let's look at a few of our favorite activities from when Summer Vacation was a reality.

1) VBS - Vacation Bible School
Ah, yes, for those of us whose parents were too cheap to send us to camp, this was a viable option. Having been to 5 of these, I will say that I enjoyed singing "I got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...WHERE?...down in heart!". One of our VBS teachers had two clear glasses of water; one with sugar and the other with salt. I chose the salt one and had a rude surprise. Maybe it was to prove that even though things look alike, inside they are completely different. I dunno, like evil twins or something. I don't recall what was the point of the lesson, but I'm still scarred to this day. I always loved the little prizes they rewarded you for Bible verses learned and etc. My favorite was getting those cool pads that you shaded with a pencil, and then a picture of Daniel fighting off the lions is shown. Much arts and crafts were enjoyed, as I always had fun making those cool brown-sack puppets. Alas, my hand-print lambs always turned out black, and I wonder if it was just a sign of things to come in my life. But hey, in the end, learning about Jesus was always pretty fun.

2) Slip and slide
Well, no mention of summer activities would be complete without the mention of this redneck equivalent of laying down tarp and spraying water on it. I had the "Crocodile Mile" and not your fancy-pants Uncle Moneybags "Slip n' Slide". I was going to talk about some great childhood memories of grass-burns and busted noses, but after a quick Google Image Search for the words slip n slide, I don't feel so child-like anymore. You do a search and see what pops up. Even with a filter on for content, there were several images that would make Tim give a loud "boo-yah!". The best part is that many of the pics are hosted on college websites. Ahhh, nothing like hosting drunken debauchery on an official school website for all to see. Damn kids. Anyways, I recall one slip n' slide mixer during undergrad (which was lame), but I had not realized that it is such a huge college even for kids nowadays. I guess there is something inherently sexual bout sliding down a long, hard, wet and yellow object. Heh. One of our fondest childhood relics has been perverted into some sort of outdoor kegger/wet t-shirt contest. You see, the kids these days with their rap music and their hippin and a hoppin....get off my damn lawn! And take your stupid slip n' slide with ya! Nobody wants to see hot co-eds in bikinis and white t-shirts get wet!!

3) Super-Soakers
Every kid loves waterguns. If you don't, I'd accuse you of being a God-hating Commie. But, during our youth, a new day and age for watergun technology was introduced with the dawning of the Super-Soaker era. Much like the atomic bomb, this gun changed neighborhood warfare, forever. The first model I ever got was this one: Pretty tame.
What amazes me now is the technology that waterguns have advanced towards. I thought that my gun was amazing back in the day. A couple of pumps, and bam, that stupid girl next door was wet. (hmm....kinky....anyways) But, just take a look at these "weapons of mass destruction".

This one has a 70 oz backpack that feeds you a constant stream of water.
SEVENTY. That's like, almost a 6-pack of beer. Wait, that's a fucking brilliant idea! But, you see that hose? Essentially, you're a walking hose. I don't know which would would try to woop that out in a neighborhood watergun battle, but I think the entire hood would group up and just whip his ass for such overkill. I mean, come on, a backup backpack for a water gun fight? If I had this back then, I would have ruled the neighborhood. Sigh.

This is the newest watergun that's coming out soon. The name? Vaporizer. And this is verbatim from the Hasbro website: TOUGH WATER FIGHTS CALL FOR A TOUGH BLASTER Grab this awesome blaster and bring your competitors to their knees. Armed with high-powered, pressurized technology for powerful blasting and an advanced hydrodynamic design for huge water capacity...this air-powered water blaster blasts features a hue 30-ounce water capacity and can hit targets up to 35 feet away! Now that's what the fuck I"m talking about. And, it's got a pump-action handgrip. This is why America is awesome. We want to bring you to your knees. Even if it's in watergun fights.

Bow down...to the VAPORIZER!!!

4)YMCA
From endless basketball matches to learning how to swim, the Y provided it all. Many have had great memories of the pool at the local Y where you started out as a lowly Tadpole and had to work your way up to the Dolphin level. I was never that good at swimming, thus a Guppy I have remained. Man, the Y pool was always filthy. Band-aids. Boogers. Pee. Pubes. Ugh. Although I've never seen a poo yet, I'm almost positive there was some because the big poo-skimmer was always ready to go. But, the Y always did have the hot high-school lifeguards in their blue one-pieces. Still, entering puberty and raging hormones had no place at the Y. Despite all my fond memories of the Y, I still never recalled any sort of food or hospitality that was recalled by the Village People. I may be crossing the line, but I have to say, I'm thinking those Village People may be liars. It's a bold statement, but I don't believe that you can get a good meal or do whatever you feel at the Y. In fact, I tried to listen to my Walkman once, and they confiscated it! I'm starting to think now that joining the Navy might not be a blast, either.

You knew it was coming....

5) The present
Alas, it usually involves sitting in traffic or attending very...verrrry bad baseball games. Sure, the weekends are fun, but other than high temperatures and more tourists, summer ain't no different than spring. Summers for me can be summed up in this picture:

Racism

2006-06-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

After a brief conversation with one of my new acquaintances here in the Big City, they stumbled upon this blog. Essentially, she was shocked at the apparent vitriolic racism that is carelessly bandied about on these pages. Ranging from my intense hatred for Europeans to my supposed "friends" posting racist remarks regarding my Chinese ancestry, her opinion was that we are not really nice people. Perhaps. While I tried to explain that my friends and I do not harbor any specific ill-will towards any race, color, creed or sexual orientation, she countered that every joke has a semblance of truth to it. Which I admitted, in the end, is true. I DO hate white people and I hate you, I hate you, and I don't even know you and I hate your guts, I hope all bad things in life happen to you and nobody else, but YOU! With that said, let's quit the fussin' and the feudin' and make up like old times. For those that I've offended, let me present a peace pipe like those savage, women-rapin', scalpin', no-good, fire-water drinkin' Inju-err...Native Americans used to do. See, I can change, and it wasn't even that hard. These videos should sooth any racist bone in your body. If you don't have audio, get it, because these lyrics touch the heart.

To all my honky, cracker-ass friends....

Why can't we all just get along?

Thank you, indeed.

An oldie, but goldie. This song is a classic among the Jewish.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!

2006-06-13T10:22:00.000-05:00

Normally, I'm not a fan of the nancy-boy "sport" called soccer. Or as those stinking fer-eners call it - football. I prefer to keep my kicking intake to the the faux-Europeans like Vinatieri or Vanderjagt that run in for the PAT or the FG. Off the subject, it is weird how there's rarely a Smith or Jones as kickers. They are always something crazy like Del Greco, Janikowski, Gramatica or Groza. We need a kicker who's name is John Johnson. Or maybe Kathy Ireland. People may claim that Scott "Quantum Leap" Bakula was the star of that movie, but I'd tell them to their face that they are stupid. Damn it, what a great movie that was. That stupid Dean Elias really angers my blood. And there was Robby Loggia as the coach....Kathy Ireland....the fat Asian lineman....Kathy Ireland. Geez, this cast was amazing!!! They had Rob Schneider AND Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN). Not to mention Tim's hero, SINBAD! Wowsers, and Jerry "Dancin' with the Stars" Rice, Herschel Walker, Dick Butkus and the immortal...Ed "Too Tall" Jones....from Police Academy of course. Wow, good gravy, I think I need to take a cold shower and go buy this movie immediately from my local K-Mart. And speaking of showers, there IS a Kathy Ireland shower scene. Sadly, the aforementioned stereotypically fat Asian blocks our view. Damn you, Samoa!!!

Anywho, what was my point again? Oh yeah, soccer stinks. If I wanted to enjoy futbol, I might as well start drinking warm beer, dancing to Kraftwerk at Klub Wernerksecht, punching Irish folks and hating America. But, to be fair, it is a "beautiful game". The 2002 World Cup was pretty awesome when we stayed up really late at bars to watch England v. Brazil. Then, when me, Tim and Eric went to the US qualifying game versus Guatemala, I kind of liked soccer even more. As a non-sequitur, I did NOT enjoy almost dying in a tornado because some asshole refused to stop eating his Popeye's as he was driving home from Birmingham through blinding rain and thunder. It's always a bad sign when we have to pull over and call somebody for a weather check and hear "well, I see lots of red on the radar and the weather dude is saying something about repenting sins". Granted, it WAS Popeye's, but still, dude....living is pretty awesome, too.

ANYWAYS, my point is that, despite the Eurotrash implications, I begrudgingly am starting to enjoy soccer. It's a pretty awesome game. If nothing else, it'd be great to show the rest of the world that we can beat them at "their" game, and we don't even care about the sport! Granted, we got a whoopin' at the hands of the hated Czechs yesterday. The only person I know who is Czechish scares me with her Czechmanian karate, so I won't say anything bad about them. Other than, you stink so bad, even Slovakia doesn't want to hang out with you! O, snap! Our next game is against those Italians. I'd also make fun of Italians, but I'd prefer not to be bludgeoned to death with a pasta fork. Despite the shit-talking, I swear I don't really hate Europeans...just France.

Go USA!!!

Me Chinese...Me Play Joke

2006-06-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

Well, not really. I can't put pee-pee in your Coke. As I determined today, I also cannot tell the difference between my fellow Orientals (the people, not the rug). Alas, I may have sent this link to Eric in the past as he claims to have the discerning eye of being able to tell the difference between a gook, jap or chink. I, on the other hand, cannot. Sadly enough, they all look the same to me. I guess in retrospect it's not terribly racist that you can't tell the difference between Japanese, Korean or Chinese. It's kind of like asking you to pick out the Dutchman in a lineup with Krauts, Limeys and Frogs. Granted, if the Kraut was seig-heiling it up and the Frogs had on a stupid beret and stunk, then yeah, it would be easy because you are basing it on stereotypes. But, as for just facial feature and what not, I am reminded of the movie "Die Hard 3". In this classic, evil Germans decide to rob the Federal Reserve in NYC. Their cunning plan includes dressing up as NYC's finest. Although they were steely-jawed blonde-haired blue-eyed Arayans, even the indominatble Bruce Willis did not question their American-ness. I would be hard-pressed to point out the Brit or the Polack. Maybe Italian as their spaghetti stains and greasy hair usually give it away. By now, if you are horribly offended, let me just say that you are humor-challenged and probably suffer from rigidity-of-the-anal-sphincter. Damn you, PC thugs! Now, my final point was this, take the test at the following link www.alllooksame.com and see how you do. Just fill in the info and use a fake name if you are one of those tin-foil "government's out to get me" types. I got me an 8. Oh, and for the curious, I am Chinese. Duh.

That DOES look like me after a couple of Scotches!

Day of Evil

2006-06-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

Just a word to the wise, everybody needs to be careful today. An evil presence looms with the passing of this day. For those not in the know, or possibly heathens, the day is 06-06-06. The Mark of the Beast. Evil may befall you in many various ways. For example, today, I knocked over my bowl of Captain Crunch with SWIRLED Berries while trying to find the remote so that I didn't have to watch lowlights of the Braves losing again. In another ominous turn, as I left for work, I drove halfway there before realizing that not only was my tie not matching my shirt, but that I had worn two different shoes. Lastly, as I stopped at a gas station to get me a pack of gum and a water, the total? You guessed it, $2.94. Which if you add $3.72....you get $6.66. Coincidence? I think not. Tread cautiously as the evils that may arise may cause you minor irritation. Of course, if you see some seedy looking fella handing out t-shirts that say 666 on them, don't take them. They might be smelly and made poorly in China. Oh, and something about being marked for eternal damnation. That's no good, either. But then again, if you're one of those stinkin Dum-ocrats, you're probably having a great day eating the live rabbit's heart as you fornicate with two male goats and a rocking chair.

That's right...proof positive that Democrats are EVIL!

Update - Evil activities for today will be added whenever the evilness feels inclined to mess with me:
1) Lunch Time - Due to a closing, I had to eat one of those oh-so-tasty microwave meals. It was a Healthy Choice serving of Chicken Parmigian. I used one of those clear plastic party forks. All I need to say is that apparantly the force needed to cut through the "chicken" is greater than the plastic. So, a snapped fork later, fat-free tomato sauce stains are now on my computer screen, my suit and the closing documents. Now I get to fight lunch traffic to go home and change. Awesome.

2)2:51 PM EST - I have to make copies for all the closing documents and checks. Printer decides to dislodge it's copying/scanning green light doohicky. No copies, no scanning and no faxes. Now I need to find some lackey to run to Kinko's. Oh wait, that's me.

Law School...The Show

2006-06-02T09:58:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered why there isn't a law school television show. As the following will show, it's just a plan bad idea. First off, there are plenty of lawyer shows on TV as it is. And I realize that Ms. Witherspoon has come out with a movie of her own, the great "Legally Blonde." This movie taught me that if I had just skipped Spring Rush, I could have made a 179 on the LSAT. Oh, and sending in videos of yourself in a bikini will get you into Harvard. Blah, blah, I know the point is that you aren't supposed to judge a book by it's cover and etc...sorry, not buying it... the movie still stunk. Anywho, I'm choking on my rage as I think about that movie. So, moving on towards the title, my notion was to steal the idea of "Grey's Anatomy" and think of something famous we studied. Nada. I guess there's Black's Dictionary. That doesn't sound very good. Maybe Emmanuel's? Then we'd have to get Webster to be in the show, which is a pretty good idea. In the end, I guess I'll steal from another famous show. Let's call the show "JD". Catchy, eh?

Ok, so with the title, now comes the hard part. From my experience at law school, it was basically lots of drinking and goofing off interspersed by classes and exams. Now, I'm not the greatest law student, so perhaps that's not typical. But, I'd think my experience would be rife for hilarity. We'd have to cut back the amount the students drink as it would turn into a sad copy of Cheers. ("Houndstooth", where everybody knows your GPA.) Then again, we did a lot of couch sitting and commenting on TV, AKA Beavis and Butthead. So, what angle would work? I think that you would have to go with scenes from the classroom and maybe the main characters would work in law clinics. If this show were to be a drama, there would have to be nail-biting scenes of the young, attractive brunette with her Third-Year Practitioner card wrangling with whether to allow this 4-time DUI to be sent up the river or use the evidence that exonerates him. Of course, as she sits and holds that evidence, she'll stare off in the distance as some mamby-pamby soft rock plays and describes her mood. Maybe something by Rob Thomas or that stupid "You're Beautiful" guy. God, I hate that song. As for classroom scenes, I guess the shit we talked about is cutting edge enough and interesting for the non-legal mind. The first episode would of course debate the truth behind the infamous McDonald's Hot Coffee case and how it was actually not as bad as a ruling as people think. Or perhaps while studying Roe v. Wade, a female student can call babies "Cancers in our body." Every stereotype can be represented, from the fundamentalist and slightly insane WASP to the Militant Minority to the Tree-Hugging Man-Hating Hairy-Legged Feminist. Riveting.

As for the comedy angle, JD would probably end up looking like "Saved by the Bell: The College Years." Lots of immaturity and pointless he-said she-said drama. I guess maybe the main setting would have to be the Break Room, where EVERYBODY hung out, of course. I can't really think of any more humorous situations that would pertain to law school that doesn't reek of your average teenage comedy. Maybe there would be an episode where the comic relief grabbed the wrong brownies and couldn't handle Torts because the Prof keeps on asking if the defendant has "duty on his hands, and if not, who then who can we find that has duty."

Now, the characters and setting would make or break the show. A state school may be interesting, but I'd think that a private school would be rife with storylines. We'd have that kid from the Deep South who talks like Andy Griffith, but knows his law like Matlock. Of course, everybody will be beautiful and the "ugly" one will probably be ugly in an attractive way. Like David Schwimmer. We'll have the "straight from college" blonde-hair blue-eyed protagonist who can kind of Doogie Howser it in his blog about what he's learned today. His best friend will probably be Jewish, and will often whine about how his dad pressures him to join the prestigious firm of Weinsteinburg and Levbrofkovitz. The girls would have to include one hot blonde who wants people to recognize her for her brains even though 3/4 of her boobs are always showing. And they'd be big ones, too. There will be the older student who can kind of be a Yoda to the rest of the students. He's marched with MLK, made out with Gloria Steinem, shared a doobie with John Lennon and fought in Afghanistan alongside a certian rich Saudi. The comic relief will of course be played by a lovable minority. This ne'er-do-well will be the one coming to class late and saying home-spun phrases nobody's ever heard of. Like, "Gee, it's as hot as a cat's anus today!" Throw in the asshole geezer professor in the mold of the prof from "The Paper Chase" and the cooler prof who will hang out at the bars with them. To twist the mold, we'll make the younger, cooler prof be a chick, so that we can have interesting stories as follows:

Professor Hotty: How can I be your teacher AND your lover??
Hunky Student: It's not wrong when it's love. And I LOVE you.
Professor Hotty: How can you possibly know?
Hunky Student: Like Justice Stewart says in Miller v. California, "I know it when I see it."
Professor Hotty: Sustained....
(cue some Jewel and tasteful humping with strategically placed blankets and pillows)

Wow, in the end, the more I think about it, the more I love the idea of "JD". Maybe it's because I've just had 3 cups of coffee and am very...very...jittery, but this idea rocks my socks off.

So inspirationial...

2006-05-30T11:22:00.000-05:00

The long weekend did good. Lot's of deep thinking. Also, apparantly this was Tom Sizemore watch-a-rama weekend. As I've mentioned to Pittman many times, I notice that when there's movies on TV, the star is often in multiple films on different channels a the same time. Often, Wesley Snipes will be Bladeing it up or balling (or chasing trains) it up with Woody. Case in point, I could watch Tom Sizemore fight the Krauts in Saving Private Ryan on TNT, watch him fight the Skinnies in Black Hawk Down on FX, watch him fight Will Smith in Enemy of the State on ABC, or watch him rob banks in Heat on AMC. All at the same time. If I had four TVs and surround sound, it'd be pratically like I was sitting next to Tom Sizemore and we were sharing a brewski. It sounded pretty sweet until I recalled that he did give the beatdown to Heidi Fleiss. She never hurt nobody, except Charlie Sheen.

Unfortunately, the only other creative thought that entered my head was me wondering how much money it'd cost to get a perm. I want flowing locks, dagnabbit! Anyways, just to dip back into the well of 80's nostalgia, here is the most greatest and bestest television theme song in the world. It really describes me right now, as I feel like I'm also trying to hitchike into some great, new land.

Sometimes the world looks perfect,
Nothing to rearrange.
Sometimes you get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change.
No matter what the odds are this time,
Nothing's going to stand in my way.
This flame in my heart,
And a long lost friend
Gives every dark street a light at the end.

Standing tall, on the wings of my dream.
Rise and fall, on the wings of my dream.

The rain and thunder
The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days.
It's my life and my dream,
Nothing's going to stop me now.

More, you say? Alrighty!

That Balki, he's too much....

Eyes

2006-05-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

[Editor's note: I cleaned this entry up as I realized that there were several grammatical and syntaxical errors. Syntaxical is a word. Honest injun.]

Nothing about the human body evokes more emotion. Or so they say. I tend to agree. I think you can learn a lot about how someone is feeling based on their eyes. Be it the darting eyes of rage or the seductive twinkle of a bachelor on the prowl, the eyes are the window into your soul. So, let's take a look at some eyes that I personally love. Oh, and some may be your eyes, so look carefully. A couple are mine, as my beautiful brown eyes are just so darn cute.

Crook eye
When you just got cut off in traffic or perhaps an asshole friend makes a smart remark about how Chinese people are cheap, no better answer can be given than the good ole crook eye. Just add smattering of incredulous with a dash of perturbed, and with a twist of your eyes, you can let them know that they are full of shit. Sometimes, this can be confused as deep contemplation, thus practice may be required to get the desired "Suuuure...and I bet she cooked you breakfast, too" look

Drink eye
Never far from way too-revealing clothes or very tight black pants, these eyes pretty much ask you to share a drink. Even if you just got fired or dumped, the drink eye cares little as long as some form of spirit is entering your system. Usually, the drink eye means a good time for all, but more often than not, her evil cousin will rear its ugly and disorderly head.

Drunk eye
Though similarly named as its cousin, the drink eye, this is the one that shows up after a few too many Natty Lights. While various in its form, it is renowned for its amazing imitation of the infamous Pass-out eye, which often is not far behind. Be it girl or guy, the message is clear, "I will make out with anything that moves." Many a night has been extended when these eyes pop up.

Stink eye
As the name states, this eye is reserved for the worst of times. Be it a hated rival or that certain someone who gets your goat, the evil eye will get the message across. You've had just a little too much scotch and you will probably say something stupid and obnoxious. While the evil eye can lead to sticky situations, fun is normally in store as the beholder of the evil eye will invariably self-destruct in a mess of their own vomit. Characterized by a squinting (or as some say "Chinking") of your eyes, one can peer angrily at the object of one's hate. Works well in all situations, although it can sometimes be unnoticeable if said stink-eyer has Asian eyes.

UFIA eye
For those that don't frequent fark.com or hang around Pittman, UFIA is his favorite move. The unsolicited finger in ass. Generally, this eye results after any surprising action, but the pinnacle of said eye only occurs when a foreign finger finds your poop-shooter. The arch of the eyebrow can normally signify whether the violating finger was a thumb or the more probative pointer finger. Irregardless, stinky pinkys and more will often result.

Evil eye
Steer clear when you spot this. Often spotted among the Caucasian species (thus, the "White devil" nomenclature), this eye is noted by its piercing red glow of terror. Many a Japanese schoolgirl have quietly gone to bed with the threat of a visit from the "Eve-er Eye". Found in both sexes, this eye was rumored to have caused both the demise of the Hindenburg (OH!, the humanity) and the death of Bambi's mom. Not much is known about the causes of the evil eye, but all that needs to be said is to tread lightly.

The "O" Face
While not technically or even remotely related to the eye, its inclusion is nonetheless deserved. When squeezing one out to your favorite Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue, this face shows that you are content with living a life of gas station hot dogs, Saved by the Bell reruns and Double Coupon Tuesdays at Kroger's. (I really hope no such person exists, but if so, we should hang out.)

Observations from the workplace

2006-05-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

Sure, I realize that workplace humor is pretty much a dead horse that's been beaten too much. Everybody does it, and outside of Office Space, everything else is just a poorly written emulation. Well, that won't stop me from trying to at least add a little in my own personal spin. And off we go.

1) For those that are big fancy attorneys with their own private offices, this probably doesn't apply. But, when that lunchtime burrito is grumbling like a hungry grizzly, you gotta think about ways to dispel such noxious odors. If you have an office, sure, it's no big deal as you can just close the door and cut muffins till your sore in the ass. The logical types usually say something along the lines of "just excuse yourself to the restroom." Duh, but where's the fun in that? Some effective ways that I've discovered usually include creating a diversion. Perhaps you accidentally knock that Southern Digest onto the floor. Or maybe you were trying to kill that annoything fly with a slap of the hand. All effective, though based on some skilled timing. And for those that say "just let it out slowly", well, sir, you gotta explain that smell somehow. For the ladies, it's no prob as it's always the dog's fault. Period. But, for some reason, when I blamed the dog, I didn't really understand why the boss told me to go home for the rest of the day.

2) Quick naps are always a premium. Again, office dwellers can close the door and say that you are on a phone call for the next 30 minutes. Some may try the Constanza method, but sleeping under desks is neither comfortable or fail-safe. And the excuse of "I'm picking up the box of paperclips I dropped" doesn't work after the 4th time. The key to the quick nap is the trusty ole bathroom. Make sure you use the other floors bathroom, and always, always bring work with you. Taking a 45 minute poo is acceptable when you got caught up in reading a case and you just didn't want to get up. To wipe your ass. Wow. Sick. Scratch that notion.

3) Making a new pot of coffee is stupid. I don't know why, but I really hate doing it. So, I decided not to drink as much of it. But, if you HAD to have that coffee and hate making a fresh pot, the trick is to make your coffee absolutely terrible. I don't suggest peeing in it, but maybe a dash of salt or ranch can create the most pungent of joes. After making it a oouple of times, people will be begging you to let them know when the coffee's out so you don't have to make the new one.

4) Office birthay parties are sometimes pretty lame. Especially if you don't know who the birthday boy/girl is. And when you're trying to watch the schoolboy figure, that cake is going straight to the thighs. For some reason, refusing an office party cake is like saying that Hitler was the smartest man alive. So, a handy dandy tool is to call the local time and weather number. Just sit on the line the whole time and say "Yeah, no problem" and "Yes sir" should save you that indignity of standing in the break room and dispensing uncomfortable pleasantries of "So, HOW old are you again?"

5) The office fridge, although essential, can be quite a sticky situation. Some ethnic foods just resemble and give off the smell of year-old foods. I don't like it when my leftover Popeye's has to sit next to somebody's Tupperware that seems to be housing dinner from 1978. I tell you what, you throw out squash goulash once, you ain't gonna hear the end of it.

Guess the show, win a donut...

Just one of those days....

2006-05-17T12:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a week where my mind is just on other things, and nary a creative thought is found anywhere within this coconut of mine. So, to pander to the lowest common denominator, I will just post a couple of pics I found amusing, and a blast from the past for good ole Timmy. Yep, it's the video of the bear and the tra-ma-poline. Enjoy.

Pure Awesomeness.

That's right, you misogynists out there.

STD's are no laughing matter...

Don't worry...the bear survives. So laugh away.

Growing up....

2006-05-10T20:11:00.000-05:00

One of the most difficult things in life is growing old. You have to see friends and family age as well as waking up with pains in areas you'd never realize you had. The worst part, in my mind, is seeing heroes of your youth stripped of their aura of greatness. While my previous post lauded the accolades of a star tabbed as being past his prime, the following will be a few pictures of icons of the my youth that have sadly hit upon hard times. Feel free to cry along as I will take a sad stroll down memory lane.

Yes, sadly enough, the shout-out from Chappelle did nothing to help the one-and-only Gallagher. Who amongst us doesn't miss the glory days of the Sledge-o-Matic and his hilarious 80's humor? This man has fallen on hard times as his brother has stolen his act under the moniker of "Gallager Too". Be not fooled if you have a ticket, tis it not be the real Gallagher. But, the future looks a little brighter as he did fare pretty well in the recent California gubanatorial elections, losing to another great icon.

For those wrestling fans out there, the man to the right needs no introduction. The Total Package. The man who slammed Yokozuna. Yes, it is the great Lex Luger. Sadly, as you may have surmised, these are mugshots of Mr. Luger. The crime? Being charged with possession of non-prescription medication and also possibly linked to the death of Elizabeth Hulett. Yep, you read that correct...Miss Elizabeth. Sadly, she is with the greats such as Mr. Perfect, Big Bossman, the Junkyard Dog and Rick Rude. There's a helluva wrasslin' match up in Heaven. But, as for the Total Package, it's been a long, hard fall since the glory days of Torture Racking the likes of Buff Bagwell and Jimmy Hart.

Well, not much really needs to be said. Smurfette's stay in the Smurf Village has mentally destroyed any sense of normalcy she had. Being the only LEGAL (Sassette was a kid! Perv) female Smurf, she knew that every Smurf would kill to Smurf her. With this sense of entitlement, she went down a long, hard road of multiple Smurf-bangs, cocaine and general whore-ity. Time has not been kind. She waits patiently for that big reunion paycheck, but offering Smurf-jobs for food makes life pretty Smurfing hard.

While some of you have had the sad misfortune of seeing this picture, I felt that we still need to remember him. He was the principal to ALL of us, and look what he is relagated to. Sitting in a a dive getting offered shots by some drunk sorority girls. And to make matters worse, it looks to be a fruity, non-manly shot. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Kids, when you think about dropping out of school and going for that pie in the sky, remember, it's not that easy. Just stare into Belding's sad eyes as he sits in his Saved by the Bell crew jacket. Sniff....his expression is just that of a defeated man....excuse me...I've got something in my eyes...I just want to hold him and say "It's alll right...cuz you're saved by the bell"

Alright, sorry for that momentary loss of composure. But, we won't end on a downer. Many people have said that this man is a genius and a gift to humanity. I cannot agree more. From his portrayal of confused man #1 in Three Men and a Baby to his stupendous work as Mahoney, we can all agree that we were lucky to have lived during the time of Steve Guttenburg. Who can forget the time that he tricked Harris into going to the Blue Oyster? Some may ask, "What happened to him?" Well, due to his high standards, he his hid from the limelight and lay in wait for the next great role that can befit him. Yes, Police Academy 8 is back! Mahoney. Sweetchuck. Jones. Lassard. Hightower. It's like a dream come true. The movie is slated for 2007, and all I can say is that the time of Guttenburg is back.

He's still got it

I need work, fool...

2006-05-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

A common misconception is that Lawrence Tureaud, loveably known as Mr. T, needs work. This slanderous assumption was the result of an SNL cartoon that posited the notion that Mr. T would be willing to play Torvald in Henrik Ibsen's play "A Dolls House." How wrong that is. Of course, we are all familiar with his great, if not genius, body of work, ranging from many great cameos on Conan to supplying the voice of a certain "Mr. T in Your Pocket" to helping you save money on collect calls. But, this ain't your daddy's Mr. T anymore. He's given up his chains as he realized that it was a mockery of Katrina victims. If you have to ask why, the answer is "Shut up FOOL!"

In Mr. T's newest endeavor, he will be the host of a new television show called "I Pity the Fool". Whatever I say cannot touch how hilarious the original press release is, so here goes (emphasis added):

The TV Land network announced Tuesday that it will start "I Pity the Fool," a series where "The A-Team" star travels across the country dispensing inspiration and advice.

"The `T' stands for talking," he said in an interview with The Associated Press. "I'm going to talk it up. It's what I've been doing all my life. My show ain't no `Dr. Phil,' with people sitting around crying," he said. "You're a fool — that's what's wrong with you. You're a fool if you don't take my advice."

My sneaking suspicion is that the show will be very similar to whenever I talk to Tim when he USED to have a pocket T. Lot's of "Shut up fool"s and "Quit yo jibba-jabba". But, before you say "Man, that Mr. T is played out", he has moved into the digital age.

"California company NavTones has contracted with Mr. T and the actors Burt Reynolds and Dennis Hopper to record voices that can be loaded into navigation systems, giving your driving directions a little extra personality...Where the typical navigation system says "You have reached your destination," Mr.T's voice follows that with: "What is that? That's where you were going? Oh, man. You wasted my time!"

All I can say is that the future is quite bright for the ubiquitious T. And boy, does he know it. Fool.

And just for the hell of it since I've found so many great T pics. Enjoy.

Doing his "Eric" pose

Senor T says - "Cállate, fool! Cinco de mayo's when I say it is. "

No Mr. T, but hey, it's Willie punching Burt. Can you really ask for much more?

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!

2006-05-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea what Cinco de Mayo celebrates. After a little research, I was not too shocked: it's the celebration of Mexico's victory over....France. Yes, big surprise that the Frenchies lost in another war. But, nonetheless, it is a holiday for the celebration of beating Frenchmen, which would seem like no big deal as everybody and their cousin has managed to beat them in one form or fashion in the past 200 years. Regardless, to many, it is like St. Patrick's day. Another ethnic holiday that makes a great excuse to drink. And, luckily for all you alcoholics out there, like St. Paddy's day, Cinco de Mayo is also on a Friday. But before y'all go crazy on the margaritas and tequila shots, there is a much more serious issue at hand. Illegal immigration. Some of y'all up in DC or here in Atlanta are heavily involved with it, and it's a pretty divisive issue. But before you make any decisions, just listen to the voice of the people. Yes, big-city folks voice their "educated" opinions on this issue. Below are just a few choice comments taken from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's online forum regarding Cinco de Mayo and Mexicans in general. These are actual posts. Whether you agree or disagree on this issue, everyone can appreciate some xenophobic comments. Enjoy.

By WAR EAGLE

May 4, 2006 12:25 PM |

How un american Jessica-you must listen to hip hop.My Company is boycotting EVERYTHING Mexican until the illegals leave. If we get any more PC, women will be wearing Burlap sacks like they do in Iran. How can you celebrate a culture that envisions doing whatever the hell you want without regard to the rules? Would you feel the same way if an illegal ran over your kid or you because some stupid state gave him a license to drink and drive? How about one that broke into your house trying to steal your beer? Think about it. Breaking and Entering is a crime-does not matter if it is a house, a bank, a business or a country.

By Ed

May 4, 2006 12:27 PM

Why do we celebrate Mexico’s independence day in the United States? Do we celebrate France’s Bastille Day? Do we celebrate Australia’s independence day? What about Canada’s? I am an American. My ancestors (1840’s and earlier) came from Scotland and Ireland, but I am American. Period. As for celebrating it just as an excuse for celebrating something, forget it. I won’t even do Taco Bell now because of this invasion of our nation by foreign forces.

By Tina

May 4, 2006 09:31 AM

Unfortunately, the legal immigrants supporting the illegals in these protests have caused many Americans to look unfavorably on not just illegals, but Mexicans in general. I think everyone should avoid all things Mexican all the time, not just May 5th.

By time for the truth

May 4, 2006 02:57 PM

ITS JUST ANOTHER MEANINGLESS DAY

But my wife and I are PROUDLY boycotting anything Mexican/Latino. We stopped some time ago going to mexican restaurants and any other businesses that we are discover are run/owned by latinos are now permanently on the BUY NOTHING FROM list.

Its simply mirroring back exactly what the latino bigots did earlier this week and seem to do constantly all year round.

If everybody boycotted the more obvious CORPORATE and small business panderers/enablers of illegals then the situation might improve.

I think the 5th of May is the perfect date to start actually building the 2000 mile wall. I think it should be mined as well in the more popular crossing spots - just to make sure!! :)

Illegal Mexicans should be treated here in the US exactly the same way they treat their own illegals. That way there is no hypocrisy or racial double standards.

KICK EM ALL OUT IMMEDIATELY

By Kush

May 4, 2006 03:24 PM

I think every US citizen should frequent a Cinco de Mayo party and drag every mexican out into the street and herd them on a bus and ship them back to Mexico! To hell with anything Mexican!

By Jeff

May 4, 2006 03:50 PM

Let’s put it this way: Tequila is my poison of choice. Margaritas are a passion of mine. I will have no more of either until the Wall is built and mined (and preferrably with a few nuclear warheads pointing at Mexico City, but I won’t hold my breath on that one.)

What I don’t get: We have the world’s strongest army and the world’s largest storehouses of nuclear weaponry. Why can’t we insert a spec ops team with a breifcase nuke into El Presidente Fox’s office and FORCE him to deal with the issue?

Food, Sex or Cars?

2006-05-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

As everybody knows, gas ain't cheap nowadays. For us folks that do that big city living, it's not very fun plunking down $45. Sadly, another malady that affects us big-city folks is the matter of going out and having a good time. With rising costs, I decided to try budgeting and forgo some pleasures for more "reasonable" costs. I was amazed that despite the rock-bottom price, there IS worse Scotch than 100 Pipers. Even getting a pitcher of The Champagne of Beers is about $7!!! And for lunch, a club sammich at an establishment like MacAllister's can run you ten bucks. But, what would you do with if you had an Andy Jackson burning in your wallet? Which would you rather have: 1/2 a tank of gas, throwing twenty GW's at a skanky stripper, or a hearty meal at Popeye's? I think I'd just buy 1/4 of gas and a smaller meal at Popeye's. As for the booby club, I think it's still too early in my life to be going solo to these joints. I don't think I've reached the stage of "dirty old man" yet. Just dirty. And if anything, that's what the internet's for. It's been a while, but I guess I might have to dust off my ole "Project Hobo" contingency plan: live in my car and with the $5-7 bucks I can get off begging, buy Wild Irish Rose for $1.25 to drown the sorrows and feast on some double cheeseburgers at McDs. It'd work.

But, the concept of food, sex or cars is of course not mine. It is from the classic SNL skit that featured contestants having to decide which of the three is the most desirable: the food, the sex, or the car. Just for shit and giggles, here are a few of the questions. Choose wisely.
1) circus peanut, Bea Arthur, or a Dodge Dart
2)a hero, the blonde sister from Heart, or a Firebird
5)garlic bread, Martha Stewart, or a US Postal van
6)a head of lettuce, Shirley Hemphill, or a '79 Pinto
7)a raw egg, Betty Ford, or the Beverly Hillbillies' truck
8)a can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on its back
9)a bucket of lard, She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg (Oh, the humanity!~)
10)potato skins, Connie Chung, or a Pontiac Bonneville

It's the Final Countdowwwwwn....

2006-04-30T02:03:00.000-05:00

As everybody knows, Final Countdown is one of the greatest songs in the world. For those unfamiliar with such greatness, this song is one that is played at the end of any close sporting event and GOB's theme from Arrested Development. And, of course, it is always one of my ringtones that never fails to get the ladies excited.Submitted for your approval is this amazing version of said great song. Europe, who sang Final Countdown, was from Sweden. So, it seems that they are seen as gods among the Scandinavians and Vikings. For a fledgling Swedish garage band, covering Final Countdown is probably like trying to play Stairway to Heaven or Sweet Home Alabama. You ain't a band til you've tried to cover them. Of course, I'm assuming they are Swedes due to their accent, but just take a gander and you'll be amazed at their talent. Just a warning, if you watch this at work, be prepared to muffle some laughter as words cannot describe how absolutely horrendous the singer is. I mean, I'm no Pavarotti, but I think after a few scotches and a throat-punch from Tim, I would still sound better. But, man, you gotta give these kids credit. They do it for the music. Just click the PLAY button and enjoy.

Threatening mail...

2006-04-27T17:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends:

Recently, I have received a letter that was both insulting and frightening. In the most professional tone of voice, an individual has attacked my good name and good judgment. My next course of action is uncertain, but for your review, attached is the aforementioned letter. The full names and personal information have been redacted as to allow privacy for the individual who has thusly attacked me in such a mature and eloquent fashion. Click on the image for a larger view.

Blogger's note - All mock seriousness and anger aside, that was a great letter. I don't know if Tim just told his secretary to "Betsy, please respond with this general notion Braves SUCK!" and she did the rest, or if he sat there with a thesaurus. And he is very correct: that actually is the correct rule 1.02 of the official rules of baseball. With all this effor the spent, I fear a bill following said letter for services provided. Either way, that was the most professionl and classiest way I've ever been told that my team sucks. Well played, sir. Kudos to you.

Because I care....

2006-04-25T14:40:00.000-05:00

An alcoholism self-test I found. Apparantly, I am in the early stage. Some of these questions are terrible. If these online tests have any truth or veracity, I'd have to think our entire law school class should have just went straight into Alc-Anon. Question 3 is just outright bull. Bah...I need a drink. Oh, and to chase the slow-day blues away, this is good for a laugh. http://www.drunkornot.com/

To test whether alcohol is a problem for you, answer "YES" or "NO" to this series of questions.

1.Do you occasionally drink heavily after a disappointment, quarrel or rough day?

YES NO

2.When under pressure, do you always drink more heavily than usual?

YES NO

3.Can you handle more liquor now than when you first started drinking?

YES NO

4.On the "morning after," have you been unable to remember part of the evening before--even though friends say you didn't pass out?

YES NO

5.When drinking with others, do you try to have a few extra drinks when they won't know it?

YES NO

6.Are there certain occasions when you feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?

YES NO

7.When you start drinking, are you in more of a hurry to get the first drink than you used to be?

YES NO

8.Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?

YES NO

9.Are you secretly irritated when friends or family discuss your drinking?

YES NO

10.Have you experienced memory blackouts more frequently?

YES NO

11.Do you often want to drink more after friends have had enough?

YES NO

12.Do you usually have a reason for occasions when you drink heavily?

YES NO

13.When sober, do you often regret things you've done or said while drinking?

YES NO

14.Have you tried to control your drinking by switching Brands or following different plans?

YES NO

15.Have you often failed to keep promises about controlling your drinking?

YES NO

16.Have you tried to control your drinking by changing jobs or moving?

YES NO

17.Do you try to avoid family or friends while drinking?

YES NO

18.Are you having an increasing number of financial and work problems?

YES NO

19.Do more people seem to be treating you unfairly without reason?

YES NO

20.Do you eat very little or irregularly when drinking?

YES NO

21.Do you sometimes have the morning "shakes" and relieve them with a drink?

YES NO

22.Are you unable to drink as much as you once did?

YES NO

23.Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?

YES NO

24.Do you sometimes feel very depressed and wonder whether life is worth living?

YES NO

25.After drinking, do you ever see or hear things that aren't there?

YES NO

26.Do you get terribly frightened after drinking heavily?

YES NO

Did you answer "YES" to any of these questions?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you have some symptoms that may indicate alcoholism.

"Yes" answers to three or more questions in various categories indicate the following stages of alcoholism:

Questions 1 to 8: Early stage.

Questions 9 to 21: Middle stage.

Questions 22 to 26: Beginning of Final stage.

The "Lady Loo"

2006-04-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

When it hits, you know it. All those purple nurples have finally gotten to you. As Enrique Iglesias plays in the background, you realize that it's that dreaded time. Wee-wee. Golden river. Jellyfish sting-be-gone. Man's best friend. Sigh. Wheneven nature calls, it's right when you're grinding with this cute Itali...well..Indian? who cares...he's hot. Say bonjourno to Raj as your next date is with the long line in front of the ladies' room. How many times have you club-hopping, Smirnoff Ice-drinking, tight...tight black pants wearing ladies had to cut short a night of teasing gullible guys to visit Old Mother Hubbard. (Whatever, all I know is that it's a euphamism for the toilet in MY book.) Too many bumps from trying to perch an eagle on your 5' stilletos? Stall neighbor doesn't have a spare to square? Well, fear no longer.....introducing...

Thaaaaat's right ladies! Now you, too, can stand up to pee, just like us lizard-drainers. Who wants to mess with the hassle of long lines when you can just lift up the skirt and go to town! Yes, this amazing Lady Loo will make squatting and quadru-plying a thing of the past! But....there's more! Now some of you are asking, "Vic, what about toilet paper? A lady needs to stay fresh!" As my daddy used to say, "Son, keep your dern pants on."
BOOOOO-YAH!!! Now you can tell those asshole French neighbors that you HAVE had the pleasure of the bidet. What's better than a clean refreshing shower so that you'll feel great all night long! Say goodbye, stinky britches! So never miss that dope Luda song again! Lady loo....what a rush!

Blogger's note - I apologize in advance for the previous message. Feminine hygiene is a serious issue that is neither funny nor amusing. Nothing at all. Those who laugh are immature and need to grow up........feminine wipes....uh-huhhuhhuh.

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone has a good Easter and doesn't fill up on too much of the sweet candies or have any egg-hunt related injuries. I'm sorry, but Cadbury eggs are just plain nasty. The words "candied" and "yolk" should never be in the same sentence. Same with peeps. Let's add marshmellows and food coloring! Genius! I don't know why, but of all holidays, I have to say that Easter provides the most disgusting of candies and treats.

Opening Day!!!

2006-04-12T11:11:00.001-05:00

Just to rub it in to certain people in that state over yonder, I will do a quick recap of the exciting events of Opening Day for the Braves!

1) I missed about 4 innings of the game as traffic is horrendous. Then, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the highway to Athens. I'm not very smart.

2) Parking at the stadium sucked, but we got lucky and parked in a free lot. We also got to deal with some very bitchy girls who claimed they couldn't back out due to where I was parked. Yep, they were in some huge SUV that they shouldn't be driving. Luckily, my car was neither harmed nor hindered, and all was good.

3) Stadium beer line. Almost 30 minutes. Almost worth $6.50. Next time, I'll remember to bring my Kang's Klassic Kocktail - Half Coke, half Early Times in a nice 1 Liter Coke bottle. Security guards are none the wiser. "Lift up your cap, sir." Sure thing, officer, b/c that's where I normally store my explosives, knives and other pointy objects. Next to my head. All I know is that the Kocktail (right, like I'm going to use the acronym) gets pretty nasty around the 7th inning when the Coke is warm, right Grayson?

4) Whilst in the beer line, we bumped into our bartender from the local watering hole. His name is Wes, and he made me my first (and last) Manhatten. Ugh. Not sure what knowing your bartender means, but perhaps the word I'm looking for rhymes with "gualcholic".

5) Andi and her beer line had a much better story. Seems that the girl in front of her, who was about 16-17, decided to stand the whole time in hopes of getting a beer. I wasn't made aware of whether said high-schooler was hot or not, but I have to assume she was, because when she was up, she didn't even have a fake ID. I don't know what was going on in her head other than possibly "Well, I'm a hot cheerleader and half my boobs are hanging out, so I bet this 80-year old beer man will pop a geezer-chubby and let me buy beer with no ID." Alas, the old man stuck true to the Beer Man's Code of Honor and denied her. Her next course of action? What ALL girls do when they don't get what the want, she started to cry. Wow. Now, I've cried in the past when I noticed the bottle was empty, but that's a different story. And yes, I said ALL girls. Nyah!

6) Apparantly, it was Big Hooter's Night at Turner. I'll leave it at that so as to not piss off those one or two ladies who still tolerate me despite my previous statement.

7) Jeff Francoeur is a piece of shit. Not only is his nickname "Frenchy", but he plays like a Frenchman: stinking and losing all the time. He's never seen a pitch he doesn't like, and to make matters worse, people still cheer for him. The whole time at the game, some sorority chicks behind me were talking about how hot he is. All I can say is that his goofy smile seems to say "Hyuck...you sher's purty." I don't get it. Seems people like him b/c he's from the area and is attractive. I guess his .061 batting average is irrelevant.

8) Boy, I really do love some baseball. Got more free tickets to Thursday's game (Thanks Rach!). Gonna try to make it to one of the Padres games so that McKie can get a schedule magnet. I'm still debating about going to the games solo, but I'm thinking I can drag or bribe somebody to go (yeah, I don't have many friends...). But, anytime y'all want to go to a game, just call me up and I'm there. Go Braves!

PS - Yeah, I realize I've done a couple of posts where it's just me describing my boring daily life. Sorry, but the ol' creativity bone ain't too good recently. I promise we'll get back to more inane and random observations instead of these "This is what I did today and you should care because I'm a pretentious asshole" posts.

Cleaning out the car

2006-04-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

As part of my spring cleaning, I decided to give ole TC a good and thorough cleaning. The artifacts that was found only brought up great memories of stupid Victor moments that will forever go down in infamy. Amongst the objects found and some anecdotes that accompany said objects:

1) The cane - AKA Hippie Buster - Yes, the very cane that many a jobless hippie feared. The one that was pointed at vigorously during Homecoming 2004 when just a few too many people were acting insolent and disrespectful. The same cane that was violently wacked upon Joseph Boyels back for no apparent reason other than me being very, very intoxicated. I don't know what comes over me, but when I grab ahold of that cane, I just spout out the most heinous things that shant be repeated here. But, all that matters is that you sir, need to get a job.

2) $6.99 for 8 pieces of chicken and four biscuits at Popeye's - I was so fucking stoked to grub down on some chicken. Alas, the expiration date was 1/31/06, and a couple of tears were shed. I still got my chicken, but no discount was to be had.

3) Long strand of black hair - It was about 12 inches long. Now, it might possibly be mine during my hippy "refuse to stop looking like an asshole and get a haircut" days. It could also be the hair from all the various tail that I'm pulling in. I'll let you decide which one is more plausible of an explanation. Sigh.

4) Burned CD entitled "Music to Annoy My Friends" - After popping it in, the best I can tell about the date of making the CD was sometime after I first heard "Still Loving You" by the Scorpions. I think this was the CD I made with the purpose of angering Tim and Britt. Songs on this masterpiece of a CD include "Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy, "Head Games" by Foreigner, "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff, "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd, and of course, "Final Countdown" by Europe. I think Tim did say "I fucking hate you" as a result of said CD. And boy, it was worth it.

5) Flask - My handy dandy flask smelled strongly of 100 Pipers. For those that tasted it, 'nuff said.

6) Pack of Ice Breakers Ice Cube gum - Damn you Hilary! This gum was totally sucky and I denounce your abilities as a corporate schill. But, I still find you (now legally) attractive and have no other problems with you other than weighing about 80 lbs and not returning my letters. Stop doing coke, dagnabbit!

7) Lastly, Piggy - My unoriginal name for a little pig that I won at Dave and Busters when the Graysons and Kev were hanging out in Atlanta. He was to be the friend of Chauncey, but he just couldn't hang. For those that ask, Chauncey was my great friend who I met during spring break. He has an MD and is a fucking cock-block as he won't hesitate to steal the chick you're working on. And he also has no respect for strippers. What an asshole. He's survived a couple of assassination attempts (cough cough TIM) and still lives to ask if you'd like a free mustache ride. He's a great doctor as his diagnosis for any situation? RAAAR! And he'd then bite your head off in the most professional manner. All in all, he's everything I'd like to be: a gentleman and a scholar.

What a lovable T-Rex. Double thumbs up for Chauncey! (bonus points for guessing who's pissed themselves out of drunken stupor)

Things I think I think

2006-04-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, you just don't have enough material to make a decent post. Some from the peanut gallery will assert that I've NEVER had enough to make a halfway decent post. Irregardless, here are just short musings and anecdotes that shall pass as one entry.

1) Gin and tonic, good. Vodka and tonic, good. Scotch and tonic....eh, not so good. I thought I could extend my scotch by mixing it with some tonic. Well, let's just say that I've never experienced a golden shower, but I'd have to assume that this filthy mix was close enough.

2) Man, I am so glad baseball season is back. Sure, it's gonna last till October, but hey, you really can't beat sitting in traffic for an hour while listening to Skip and Pete as the sun shines brightly on your pasty skin. It ain't heaven, but it's darn near close. Sadly, even if as I type this, Smoltzy is pitching like a drunken koala bear with one arm. Grrr.

3) No matter how hard you clench your fist and FEEL the lyrics, girls do not find it attractive to sing your heart out to the Scorpions. Even lyrics as "powerful" and "creative" as these get no love:

I'm still loving you.
I'm still loving you,
I need your love.
I'm still loving you.
Still loving you, baby...

Sure, it's not touching like Journey, but come on, did you SEE how I used the steering wheel as a mike?

4) An anonymous friend in Atlanta managed to out-pervert me. As we sat on the porch enjoying the weather and a fine beverage, she inferred that the first thing she thought about when she moved in to her aparment was about how she could manage to do it on the porch. Yes, I admit that while I may have pondered how to do the horizontal mambo in various rooms of a new apartment, I've never pondered the feasibility of makin' bacon on the porch. But, the point is that the premise of putting the spoon in the batter on the porch raises an interesting legal question. The porch is considered your property, so would it be public indecency to be driving the car into the garage on said porch? All you lawyer-types ponder this. Assuming the porch is an extension of your private property, why not? You can walk around naked in your house with the blinds open, so why not the porch? Discuss amongst yourselves. Or try it.

5) While waiting in line at the gas station, the lady ahead of my wanted to purchase a pack of smokes. Even though the attendant didn't ask for her ID, the lady offered, nonetheless. Now, the lady was about...oh...say 55 years old. She was the epitome of the "I'm still not a day over 18" types. Spaghetti straps and short shorts that showed every varicose vein and tanning-booth inch of her body. I felt bad for her as the attendant essentially said "No, I don't have to check your ID. I can tell how old you are." It reminds me of the day I turned 21 and i went to legally acquire some beer. Damn guy didn't WANT my ID. I tried to show him, but seems he was more interested in watching the Full House rerun on his black-and-white. I couldn't really fault him though. Who amongst us can resist the swarthy charm of Uncle Jesse? Not I.

And finally, the picture that has no point other than to make me giggle like a little school girl.

Just look at the conviction in his face! Hulkster MEANS it!

I've found complete happiness and love!!!!

2006-04-01T01:59:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd get to say this, but I think I'm actually truly happy and in love! Oh, it was just like those romance movies that I watch every night as I cry myself to sleep. Where you see that special girl and your eyes meet, and it's just magic! Think of all the cliches about love, and you can apply to me. Head over heels. On cloud 9. Walking in the clouds. Um, dancing with pretty ponies. Etc...etc. Cupid's arrow, although a couple months late, still struck with deadly and piercing accuracy. It's not some crush, but it's the real deal.

So I know y'all are asking, "what's the story?" Well, after an amazing day at work where I didn't make a single mistake and totally kicked ass, I decided to get some grub. As I was shopping for some baked chicken, I bumped into this beautiful Asian girl. We connected immediately as she said that she liked my hat. Now, it didn't matter that she didn't know if the A stood for Alabama or Atlanta, but the fact is that she liked it. Even though she said baseball's stupid and that Alabama is a terrible state. Opposites attract, right? She asked what I did for a living, and she really didn't care other than how much I made. She also told me that I talked too "white", and boy was she right! She was everything that I wanted in a girl. Superficial, all Asian-pride, spoiled and not giving a rat's patoot about any of my interests! Being in love is great! Screw Journey as I realize that stuff is for losers! I'd write more, but I'm gonna call her up again for the 20th time and hopefully we can hold hands while watching Gilmore Girls on DVD! =) =) =) =) !!!!!!

Geez folks....look at the date....please. If I ever sound like that, feel free to give me a boot up the ass or any appropriate physical attack. And for those that couldn't at least realize all the obvious contradictions, then, well, give me a call b/c I guess we really have lost touch with each other.

That'd be one helluva April Fools joke!

Roll Tide...I think?

2006-03-29T21:15:00.000-05:00

So today, I embarked upon a pre-closing solo mio. For those that don't have greasy hair and spaghetti stains on their wife-beaters, that means "all by myself" in Italian-talk. Yes, Julia, I am mocking your people. Now go make another pizza and tell me how spicy thine meatballs are. Mama mia! Anywho, as the pre-closing winded down, the client decided to ask me some crazy property question that I had no idea about. Without getting into privileged areas, it was way over my head. I apologized and stated that I had just started as an attorney (LIE!) as I just graduated law school last year. Of course, the following question was "Oh really? Where did you go to school?" Since I'm a firm believer of honesty, I chose to say "THE University of Alabama" instead of some school up north that rhymes with Carvard. Of course, said client made a face that can only be described as that face from when the cop in Dumb and Dumber played by Harlan Williams drank the "beer" in Dumb and Dumber. Before I could offer a defense of "Well, sir, we ARE ranked in the top 40 nationally!", he stated that he had an in-law who went to 'Bama. And yes, sadly, anyone who's from or been to the state can probably guess what comes next. " Man, he's the dumbest sumbitch I've ever met. I have no idea how he graduated." With an eye on the attorney's fees he was handing over, I nodded and begrudingly stated that "Yes, there are some bad apples, just like any school." Well, of course, he went to UGA, which NEVER produces riff-raff of the nature at 'Bama. He went on to talk about how said in-law would get all upset over 'Bama games and talk constently about how great things were "when Bear was there". To prevent a scene, I decided to say that "Well, I don't really keep up with college football." After his incredulous "Oh really?", I stated that football wasn't really big in the Asian culture. Wow. Yes, I will admit that to prevent any further issues, I disavowed being a die-hard Bama fan. As many know, normally I would fight tooth and nail in saying that Alabama ain't that bad. But, alas, a paycheck is pretty good. And hell, I'm tabbed as an "Uncle Wang" anyways, so I guess selling out is just in my blood. In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't be divulging these events, but hey, if the client happens to stumble upon this pathetic blog, more power to him. I'll buy you a shot of Alabama Slammer. Oh, and ROLL FUCKING TIDE!

Sigh.....I got nothing to say...

A case of the Mondays....

2006-03-27T11:02:00.000-05:00

Everybody is familiar with one of the worst aspects of a Monday morning. After a too-short weekend, you have to wake your sleepy ass up. Normally, in March and in SPRING TIME, it should not be particularly terrible as its not 45 degrees outside in the freaking SOUTH. Alas, with Mother Nature deciding to get off her Ritalin, the weather sucks. Nothing is worse than having to drag yourself out of the warm comfort of bed to go to work on a cold and dreary day. After receiving an interesting link, I found out that there are some amazing alarm clocks.

The one on the left lays eggs when the clock goes off. Yes. Lays eggs. You have to collect these eggs and drop them in the basket for the alarm to shut off. I don't know how it works either, but, man, looking for tiny eggs while half asleep seems like a recipe for disaster. Especially for those that wear contacts and are kind of blind, it'd seem like a helluva time moping around in the dark. It'd be like [insert name of friend]'s girlfriend/wife searching for his dong! Hooray for generic, non-offending jokes! Anyways, the 2nd alarm is even crazier. When the alarm goes off, that little flying thing goes zipping around you like a damn whirly-bird! You gotta catch that thing and replace it on the base for the alarm to go off. Again, this seems like something that in theory is supposed to get you out of bed. In practice, I can imagine many alarms being smashed. But then again, I do giggle at the image of myself swatting weakly at the flying alarm. And I always think that a believable and plausible excuse for being late to work is that "Sir, I couldn't find all the eggs to put back in my basket", followed by "Well, my mom may have had a beer or two back then, but why do you ask?"

Society in One Photo

2006-03-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

I think this picture above speaks volumes about our nation's state-of-affairs. By just looking into that foresaken boy's eyes, you can see the hate that is already growing. White people will steal your stuff! Be it slang, rap, culture, land or even food, whitey's a comin' for it! And, in defense to those who can't take a joke and say I'm white-bashing, I can finally utter these great words: "I'm not racist, I have many white friends."

Tales of Adventure

2006-03-19T21:33:00.000-05:00

Well, to take a quick break in between the exciting action of the Big Dance, let me tell you kids about the great adventure I had a couple of days ago. Whilst chatting on-line with Mrs. McKie, I had the misfortune of being harrassed by a wasp. In a panic, I asked Mel from some advice in how to deal with a wasp in my room. Her witty retort? "Well, is she attractive?" Har har har. For those that don't get the joke, look up WASP. Anyways, I've had many duels and run-ins with the animal kinngom. I've swallowed a swarm of gadflys, been licked by a giraffe, sat on a horse as it pooped, spat on by a chimp, and argued with a dog on at least two occasions of who gets the last piece of Popeyes. Yet, this wasp was HUGE. I've never been stung by a bee before, so I don't know if I'm allergic or not. So, Mel's advice was to open all the doors and windows. No dice. So, I figured that either Lysol or some form of aerosol spray would do the job. Armed with Sam's Choice Disinfectant/Air Freshner all-in-one, I sprayed that sucker. Well, I tell you there was a bunch of high-pitched squealing and running around. After opening my eyes, all I know is that the room smelled of fresh spring daisys and wasp-free. I had succeeded......or so I thought. Just today, as I was fixing myself a Foreman-Grill cheese sammich, I heard a buzzing. That bastard survived. He/she was nesting comfortably next to Einstein's poster. Sadly, he then absconded to the roof. Due to my lack of "mad hops", I feared that a ill-timed jump would lead to a pissed-off wasp. After a few test jump-swats in the bedroom, I decided not to tempt fate. So, I MacGuyvered about 6 law school books into a make-shift step-stool. In the sneakiest way possible (as my people are good at) and aided with my friends Con Law, Mergers and Acquisition, Torts, Banking Law, Trust Law, and Securities, we woooped that wasp's ass. The moral of my adventure? "If you believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and don't do milk, you can get work." Then, you too can stop wearing shorts on the weekday. Heh.

SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

2006-03-17T12:19:00.000-05:00

Top o' the morning to ye! Hopefully everybody is wearing some green or a virtual pinch shall occur. As for the tournament, ROLL TIDE! Also, exactly one year to this day, UAB defeated LSU in the tournament. For those that recall, it was during our law school St. Paddy's day party with the 80s theme. Yep, I was rocking the sweet sunglasses and the pseudo-goatee whilst taunting Blue unmercilessly b/c LSU was sucking. Good times. Anywho, drink up the green beer, jig it up and do your best Teddy Kennedy impressions! My personal favorite of his? "I...err..uh...seemed to have misplaced my pants."

Even YOU can be Irish!

Dancing Time

2006-03-13T20:05:00.000-05:00

Alright boys and girls, I'm sure all of y'all are in at least 13 brackets for your office pools and whatnot. Anyways, I figure it'd be fun to have a FREE bracket just for my loyal readers. All it takes to join is to have a yahoo account. Easy enough. For those that don't understand computers, you can go to fantasysports.yahoo.com and then look for the sign-up for the NCAA tournament. Create your pick list and then join an existing group, then join a private group. The info you need is below:

League ID: 81862
Password: victor

If you join, just post something in the message board in the league saying who you are. I figure the next time we all get together, wherever and whenever that day will be, we can buy the winner a beer. Or punch them in the face. Either way, join up even if you don't know the difference between the NCAA and the NAACP (hint - ummm, well...I'm not gonna touch that). Remember, the games start this Thursday, so get cracking. Feel free to pass the info to whomever as it is free, so it's just for shits and giggles and a place to pick the wild upsets.

Oh, and as a non-sequitar, somebody mentioned that the comments have gotten virulent and a bit harsh, especially towards me. First off, I know most of the commenters, so it's gravy as those douches are like family. For those "anonymous" comments that sometimes anger up the blood, let me say now that I won't censor unless its just purely pointless. My pappy didn't leave China so that his baby boy would grow up to be a stinking Commie!

Making Pappy Proud! (No, its not me)

Ye Steveth Perry Appreciation Guild

2006-03-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

Well, as UAB and Alabama marches on towards the Big Dance, another team dear to my heart ended their season. Yes, our team trivia league, Steve Perry Fan Club, held the finals at the prestigious 755 Club in Turner Field. Alas, the $5,000 grand prize was not ours to be had, but 18th ain't too shabby out of 100 teams. The question that proved fatal? What are the 12 characteristics in the Boy Scouts credo. Yeah, well if they allowed Asians to be Scouts, I would have known. (it's not true, but it makes for a good scapegoat to blame Whitey.) But, the tournament had its plus as I was able to walk around Turner Field and take in grandeur of it all. It's quite a sight to see and now I shall lower my alcoholic tastes to save up money for season tickets. I'm afraid its back to the 100 Pipers scotch. In a related note, we got free tickets to the Renaissance Fair. Yep, ye olde faire. To make it better, there were representatives at the finals who dressed the part. So yes, there were some maidens with their bosoms overflowing. Sadly, they were about 40 years too old and a few inches too saggy. Doth, I protest! Yea verily, such sights tis not for the weaketh of heart. I first scoffed at the idea of the Renaissance Fair, but then I thought about it. Where else can I get the chance to sup on legs of turkey and pork roasting on thine spit. Further, I love speaking like ye olde English. Zounds! But hey, if I can drag someone there, it'll be fun to get drunk on mead, rock out to ye olde lute, hit on the fair maidens and fake offense whenever someone says "Hark, there seems to be a chink in thou armor!"

"Have at you!"

Kooking With Kang

2006-03-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, my cooking prowess has always been, shall we say, pathetic. It takes true talent to mess up macaroni and cheese. (How you ask? Let's just say that I was unfamiliar with the concept of "straining".) Irregardless (it's a word, look it up if you don't believe me) of said lapse of culinary ability, I decided to try my hand at an exotic dish. This weekend, Papa Kang came calling and we had a fun shopping trip in the ethnic 'hood of Atlanta. Of course, the stereotype of Chinese markets and their "crazy" food was proven quite true. For those who have a weak stomach, perhaps this would be a good time to find nude pictures of your favorite celebrity and stop reading. My little eye did spy in the meat section a delicacy of the lapine variety. That's right, rabbit. The rabbit was essentially in the form of a whole chicken: no head, but it the complete package. You could see its haunches and etc. Now, I've had squirrel once thanks to the cookeration of Grammy Harrison. Let me say that it was delicious. Squirrel gravy and biscuits was a delight. Thus, with a hankering for furry mammals, I decided to try my hand at rabbit. After thawing, I decided to go with 3 options: stew it, fry it and Foreman Grill it. To fry it, I took the...well....arms of the rabbit and breaded it with some Shake n Bake. Result? Well, I burned the fuck out of it so I really didn't taste anything. Now the apartment reeks. For the Foreman, I just cut a few slices off the breast/chestal area (is it called the breast? I don't know. Maybe its the flank.) With a little bit of soy sauce, the meat was pretty tasty. As for the stew part, it's currently in progress. As I type, that wascally wabbit is sitting in a pot with tomato paste, potatoes, carrots and some soy sauce.

*UPDATE* - Well, it's around 11:30 and I tasted the "stew." Amazingly, I did not magically gain the ability of cooking. Maybe I'm not fan of stew in general, but irregardless, it sucked. I think I should just stick with fast food and Hot Pockets. For someone whose biggest culinary feat was BBQing on a grill, this step may have been a bit too optimistic. Now after finding the picture below, I feel guilty for eating such a cute animal. Maybe the rabbit I cooked deserved to be eaten because he was racist or supported Al-Qaeda.

Yes, I am an evil man for eating such a cutie.

Me No Funny

2006-03-02T14:55:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm sitting here taking a breather from a refinance from hell and I have literally nothing humorous to parlay. But, I do happen to look at many funny websites on the interweb, so I'll instead use other's humor in my stead. Inside jokes will abound, so hopefully at least a couple of y'all will enjoy. And in response to those who trashed on Hil. Umm...well, YOU'RE horse-faced. I'd say that cocaine's a helluva drug, but methinks she may have a taste for the yam-yam.

Yes, I know this is old news, but hell, I still get a kick out of it. Oh, and there's audio in the following links, but it's safe for work.

Dean sings the theme to the OC!
Dean and Lou Costello sing Outkast!

OH MY GOD! I'M A CARROT!!!

Milton misses his stapler

Mmmmmm.....gum

2006-02-26T19:40:00.000-05:00

Most of y'all are already painfully aware of my feelings for Hilary Duff. While some cynics out there may claim it's unhealthy, my defense is always that I respect her for her mind and her music. Holding hands would be all I want. So some of y'all might have seen her new commercial with her horse-faced sister as they advertised the new Ice Breakers Ice Cubes. The ad featured Mr. Keith "Wooooah Nellie!" Jackson and WOAH....Joey Lawrence. First, I was saddened that Keith has to resort to this to get paid. Granted, his announcing at the Rose Bowl was akin to listening to Grandpa rambling about "Commies and the cereal famine." Well, not MY non-English speaking grampa. One of y'all white folks' stereotypical grandpas. Anyways, Hil's ad was espousing the notion that the new gum would elicit a "woah!" from said purchasing consumer. So, dutifully, I went and bought me a pack. Following a much-enthused celebratory fist-pump, I took an anxious chew. No "woah"s were elicited. Not even a "meh." As I chewed and waited, the creeping feeling of betrayal washed over me. To protect any younger readers, what I said rhymes was "Hat Buying Door Mucked Tee." Yet, as hope as all fading, reason dawned. It is around 2PM on a cold, Atlanta morning. Of course I can't feel the promised sensation! After being in room temperature, the second attempt was a brilliant success. Lesson of the story? I dunno, maybe something along the lines of "GET A LIFE!" No kidding.

And yes, she's 18. A day after I....turned....25. Woah.

The big comedown

2006-02-23T17:34:00.000-05:00

Much love and kudos to all who offered their prayers and well-wishes in my support. As for those haters, well, you're probably right. But, on to the fun stuff. Now, with the bar over with, my sights shall turn towards my next goal. As I sat near I-20 in rush-hour traffic with pouring rain, I was so happy that I left my flask in the car. While taking a little sip of very old scotch, I pondered my next endeavor. As you all know, all great minds stroke their chins as they think. Well, that is how my next idea arrived. Stroking my hairless chin got me thinking, I needs me a goatee! Now I know I've tried this many times as part of my "I won't cut my hair or shave for as long as possible so I'm even more repulsive to girls" campaign. I've also tried and failed Jason Britt's Asian Mullet Challenge. Then, of course, I recalled the many times I've heard, "Get a haircut and shave. You look like an asshole." Thus, I have readily abandoned that goal. Fear not, though, as I will indeed think of something random to accomplish. Perhaps like learning how to cook. Or how to drive a bus. Suggestions are welcome.

My best option for a 'stache.

Game time....

2006-02-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

Feel free to sing along. Lord knows I've sang and cried along with it more than enough in these past few days. That and Hilary Duff. But that's for another post. It's game time, baby.

Finding Distractions

2006-02-18T02:54:00.000-05:00

Well, its almost the 11th hour, or as I like to call it, "The Final Countdown." *Snickers* Gosh, I love making myself laugh. I'm just going to post a couple of funny pics to keep myself from going truly insane.

Yeah, I can't handle these series of pictures of Tony Danza eating it. His face on the 2nd frame is...well...priceless. Let's just say that on initial viewing, I experienced the painful sensation of Mountain Lightning flowing through my nose. That's the Wal-Mart version of Mountain Dew for those high-falutin' Uncle Moneybag types that can afford name-brand cokes. I still can't stop laughing when I look at his "O" face. You have to click on it to get the full-image hilarity.

And this is my brain currently. Again, its another Simpsons reference, but if someone gets the episode from whence this game, it's a six-pack of a non-domestic beer. And fret not Eric, you'll get your beer for the correct answer from last time. But yep, a sleeping donkey sums up the amount of mental energy I currently have.

Will you be mine?

2006-02-14T13:51:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day all!
Just a short and sweet post (like me!) Y'all remember V-day parties? At our school, we HAD to give one to every student so nobody felt unliked - which was lucky for me =) We should have had Valentine Party's at law school. That would have been some hilarity. A free beer to those who get that card reference.

One Kang Too Many

2006-02-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

Sweet hams o' Christmas, someone's a stolen my name! Not sure which diligent gumshoe snuffed out this impersonator, but congrats. I appreciate ya searching for my name online. Stalker. But, in a nutshell, a faithful reader has stumbled upon another blog written by an Asian named....Victor Kang! (www.xanga.com/victorkang) Just a little snippet for a compare and contrast:

"i am victor kang. i loveeee rabbits and rabbit food. i also love cigs. they are bad, but i still love them. my life is reallllll interesting. i sometimes lock myself in the library for days and just read cuz i'm a huge nerd. i also like to neglect my friends when i am being nerdy. i also like math, and real estate. nerdy, i know."

Well, I'm indifferent to rabbits, but I have eaten dog biscuits before (go Snausages). Cigs...well...'nuff said. I do like libraries, but I think the last time I was in one was to use it as a shortcut to get to a bar. I won't post his pics out of privacy, but I think he's got me beat on the squinty-eye factor. Further, his friends are decidedly more yellow than mine. Creepy connections? I DO work in real estate law, and his birthday appears to be 10-28. Mine? 9-27. Yeah, I'm freaked out, too. He may indeed be a version of me if I had been raised out west in Vegas and not in 'Bama. It's like Honky Vic vs. Hong Kong Vic. Rollin' in The Hay vs. Rollin' on my six-fo'? Ric Flair v. rickshaw? SoCarolina v. SoCal? Bacon v. (free-range and hugged daily)Turkey Bacon? Alright, it's creeping me out man. Maybe the stress is getting to me.

As for my scary dreams about exam un-preparedness, keep your pant/ies on! Anecdotes about pre-exam jitters are for a later entry.

Dreams

2006-02-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

Everyone and their momma has dreams. They often are supposed to represent our subconscious. So, I've been kind of confused by my recent dreams. Normally, I can kind of interpret them and understand where they come from. But in the past two weeks, my dreams have resembled those of a 10 year old. I have fought aliens, Al-Qaeda, and tiny plastic soldiers who had grown intelligent on their own. Now, if I had watched the movies with those themes recently, I might understand. What's even weirder is that in the dreams, I can remember thinking "hey, this is like Independence Day! They aren't here for peace!!!" It's confusing, but at least refreshing and entertaining. The other weird dreams are the lucid ones where something mundane happens and you think it was real. In one dream, I was making a crazy-good breakfast of eggs, bacon and the works. There was enough for leftovers. When I woke up, I was confused as I couldn't remember if I actually had leftovers waiting. As I stumbled towards the fridge, I realized all I had in there was a couple of oranges, High Life, tonic water, and an old pizza. Mislead by a delicious dream. What a living. The other crazy dream I had was that I befriended a kitten, and we had good times. That was it. I threw a ball around and I cleaned its litter box. It was a big kitten so I assume it was maybe a baby lion. What's my point? Often they say dreams represent your hidden psyche. Well, normally when there were cheerleaders involved, I can understand that desire as it's pretty obvious =) But, being in cheesy-movie plots, eating a hearty breakfast, and having a pet? Y'all armchair analyzers should have a field day with that.

All together now - awwwwwwww

Flied Lice

2006-02-04T12:12:00.000-05:00

I was thinking back to the start of the third year of law school. At that time, I was working with Graves at Williams & Cheshire. One day we were in the front doing some filing, and this old black guy came in asking for donations. He asked our names, and then asked Ben if he was related to Peter Graves. Peter Graves was the guy in the original Mission Impossible and the captain in Airplane! ("Have you ever seen a grown man naked?") He then asked us if we knew who Peter Graves was. I was like, yeah, the guy from MI. Then, he shook my hand and goes "Wow, Ming-Ming! You a smart boy!" I didn't really think much of it as I'm used to that. Ironically, me and Graves were just talking about how much crap Asians get and how he didn't really see it. I got a big "wow, I'm sorry I didn't realize that actually happens" afterwards =)

But, Crazy Joe Boyles got wind of the situation and had a field day calling me Ming-Ming, and that was the phase where I did my very bad Asian accent (and Ted Kennedy, to boot). I realize now that my accent was flawed, as I was doing more of a Japanese accent. Apparently, Japanese cannot pronounce "l"s, as in "You rack disciprine." I think I modeled my accent after the owner of the City Wok in South Park. But, "God-damn Mongorians" is NOT correct. Chinese CAN pronounce "L"s, as that is why the stereotype is "flied lice". I apologize to the broken English speakers worldwide. But, what's weird is that I don't think my parents ever had an issue with saying fried rice. I'm pretty sure that just wanting to speak bad English is a slap in the face of my people. But, I think my Foreigner-listening, fried-chicken-grubbing, Alabama-loving ways have already cemented my status as an "Uncle Wong" and a disgrace to my family. Damn you whitey!

In memoriam

2006-02-01T00:48:00.000-05:00

Despite the pall that has fallen over this supposed bastion of inane humor, I will try to keep the mood here entertaining. If you're looking for me waxing nostalgic, dissertations on my philosophy, elegiac prose and stream of consciousness thoughts, try my blog at www.myspace.com/vhkang927. But, this blog is for the happy yin to my constantly depressed yang.

So, I figure I will post a couple of funny anecdotes that me and Dibya shared in the past. Back in senior year of high school, me and Dibs both worked at Fazoli's in Huntsville. For those in the dark, Fazoli's was an Italian restaurant in the vein of a Boston Market or Kenny Roger's Roasters. We were the new grunts, so we often were given the shit jobs. One of the most memorable was to be the manual trash compactors. We were given wader pants (plastic overalls that people use to go in water and such) and told to "compact" the garbage bin. This essentially was me and Dibs stomping in the trash bin. Glamorous as this may sound, we found that being on garbage-stomping duty was a fine waste of time as managers rarely came out to check the progress. We came up with the great game of Breadstickball, which consisted of us heaving old breadsticks at each other's heads. The winner? Us, as they were paying us $5.75 an hour for us to throw moldy breadsticks at each other.
The other story I remember from our tour of duty at Fazoli's was that we had to do food prep. For the chicken fettucine, we had to roast and cut the chicken strips. So, one day, I walked into the freezer to grab some more pasta, and Dibs is in there "cutting" the chicken. By cutting, he was making 5 strips and eating 3. As I exclaimed, "Dude, are you eating the chicken?", his chicken-garbled response was "Man, I was hungry and there's free chicken!" I later cursed him for being smarter than I in realizing that by prepping the chicken in the freezer, he was in a veritable free-chicken haven.
As a post-script, thank you to all who have called or emailed me with words of comfort. Thanks all, as your words mean the world to me.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-29T10:44:00.000-05:00

Today is Chinese New Years, and thus I would like to encourage all to grab a drink and celebrate it up. It is the year of the dog, so for all those born in 1982, this is your year, baby! Sadly, I will miss throwing the annual New Years Bash in Tuscaloosa. That was a wild time seeing a bunch of crackers eating egg rolls =) Also, below is one of the best pictures taken of Will at the shindig. Heh.

Grayson's "O" Face

To keep with the Asian theme, my one funny anecdote of the week: wrong-number calls from people who can't speak English. My current landline number in Atlanta once belonged to a Korean family. Now, I am a lover of all people (except the French), but recently my limits have been tested. Not only do I get all sorts of calls from telemarketers, but apparantly this Korean family did not tell people they have switched numbers. So, many times I would get calls from random Asians at crazy hours who babble in Korean and have no grasp of the English language. The kicker is that this man has called my house 4-5 times a day in the past week. I answered the first few times as I hoped that someone yelling in English "WRONG NUMBER" would perhaps send the message. But, now, he still leaves messages and keeps on calling! One time, I just continually said NO to him in hopes he understands. I mean, come on, if you were to call a number and heard a bunch of foreigner talk, I think you'd get the point. Once, just out of boredom, I had a conversation with the dude. I asked if he had ever taunted a giraffe into crying. Apparantly he has. He also knows the sound of one hand clapping. Smart man. Then I started speaking Chinese in hopes that maybe some words were similar. No dice. I think its a sad state of affairs when my most exciting moment is talking about zoology with a Korean man.

Ghost town

2006-01-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's been a while. But, due to extenuating circumstances, it's been tough to be funny (assuming I was in the first place). As MacArthur said, "I shall return."

I'll miss ya, Dibs

2006-01-20T18:50:00.000-05:00

Dibya Sen 1980-2006

Today, I got news that one of my good friends from high school passed away suddenly after a medical school exam. I still don't have all the details, but right now, I'm still in shock. For those that didn't know him, he was instrumental in my shift towards good music, and despite how I used to mock him in high school for his mancrush on Eddie Vedder, I soon realized that Pearl Jam was indeed the best band in the world. I'll miss those days of street basketball and your crazy Ewing-like hook, cruising around in your beat-up Mercedes, and being up to no good. It's weird that he went to GaTech and ended up at UAB, and now me, the UAB grad, is at Atlanta. Unfortunately, we never had as many chances as we wanted to hang out. I don't claim to understand the afterlife, but I know you're in a better place. I know that you're hanging out with Ethan now. Thanks for all the good times and being a true friend. Much love, bro.

For he still smiles...
And he's still strong
Nothing's changed, but the surrounding bullshit that has grown
And now he's home
And we're laughing like we always did
My same old, same old friend
Until a quarter-to-ten
I saw the strain creep in
He seems distracted and I know just what is gonna happen next
Before his first step
He's off again
- Pearl Jam

Random giblets

2006-01-18T17:27:00.000-05:00

1. I should have paid attention in home ec instead of staring at that chick. She was pretty hot, and boy, those hormones were a raging back in middle school. What was my point? Oh, right, I wish I knew how to sew stupid buttons. I lost some on my coat and my lucky shirt, so I tried to look online for a visual guide. So, I thread the needle and go in and out a couple of times. It lasted about half a day before it fell off somewhere in the bank. I know it's not hard, but I'm not a very smart man. Sigh, I don't know HOW I ever managed to make that pillow in Home Ec. Maybe Mom did it for me out of pity.

2. Big City Living Update - Waffle House takes CREDIT CARDS! Yes, despite my badmouthing of the fine establishment, she took pity on my poor ass. I don't know why they never started, but I tell you, it's a great/bad idea. I just imagine many times where I have been at the House very drunk and thinking, "Man, if I had more cash, I'd get two of everything!" Alas, this now is a possibility. So, all in all, its a fair tradeoff. I don't mind the non-smoking policy as now I can actually attempt to have every possible combination of the hamburger even if I'm broke. (I still don't believe they have over 70,778,880 ways.) Sadly, the jukebox still is coin/cash operated, so no 32 continuous plays of the Waffle House March.

3. Big City Living Update #2 - I swear, Atlanta's trying to kill me. First, credit cards at the Waffle House, and now, cigarette deliveries? Yes, as part of services offered at www.zifty.com, Atlanta has a company that will deliver food, DVDs and videogames, AND cigarettes to my door at a minimum charge. Unfortunately, Georgia law does not allow the delivery of alcohol, or otherwise, ATL would be the shut-in capital of the world. Now, I have not used the service as I'm close to being done with cigs (hopefully), but its gotta be rough times when one can't even drag themselves to a gas station to get a smoke. But, I noticed there are also condoms, tampons and other personal hygiene products available. Thus, this would remove the snickering Walgreens clerk who gives you the crook eye for your purchase. The thought of somebody answering the door for a condom delivery is pretty hilarious. In fact, thanks to technology, you can pay for them online, so the delivery guy won't be suspicious, and you can order, oh...say about 3 boxes of the extra small and have them delivered to your favorite friend at just the right time. I'm sure mom would love to open the door and get a delivery of Trojans right before dinner.

Random Picture

Yakov Smirnoff sez: In America, you can catch a cold. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you! (And for those that don't know who he is? Shame on you, he's a national treasure!)

Yes please, I would like my eyes to be gouged out

2006-01-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

So I'm taking a break and trying to enjoy a rerun of South Park on Comedy Central. Lo and behold, at the commercial break, I hear the familiar strains of tropical tunes and get ready for some hot impressionable co-eds (and yes, I do believe the quality of girls have improved....heh) get drunk and wild for only $9.99. But, much to my disgust, it was DUDES!!!! I mean, hell, everyone's always known that this day would happen, but, you're never ready when that day hits. Kind of like the first time you ever say "Damn kids, keep it down! Its almost 11!" It was as if I was in Bizarro World. Day was night. Black was white. Tits were.....dongs. It was a train wreck that I couldn't turn away from. As I sat slack-jawed and trying to hold down my Taco Bell, I think I started bleeding from my ears . Who in their right mind would pay money to see a guy unbutton his metrosexual shirt on a beach or see drunken guys wave their dongs and asses at you? Hell, just give JB or Eric a couple of shots and it's franks, beans and a full moon. I don't ever remember seeing these commercials in Bama, and then I remembered I lived in Atlanta, home of many alternative types (not that there's anything wrong with that). I shook my fist and gave a hearty "Damn it, Big City Living!" In order to prevent my dilly-doo from retracting any further, I switched channels in hope of a Victoria's Secret commercial. Sadly the remote was unkind. The Travel Channel had some show on tribal people, and boy howdy, them's some very saggy boobs. Luckily, Hilary's new sexy music video was on the Disney Channel, and the world was all right again.

Thanks, Onion.com, that's at least less disgusting than the real pictures. For those that are interested (you know who you are), a quick Amazon or Google search should get what your perverted heart desires.

ps - for the comments from the peanut gallery, please be more original than "dude, YOU'RE GAY" or comments of the same ilk. Gay jokes are like Afghanistan, all bombed out and depleted. Let's see some creativity, guys!