Well, seems nary a month has passed, and the masses are already clamoring about the posts lacking humor and instead being a whine-fest. Fine. A writer should know when his audience bores and wants fresh material. When the coach gives you the heave-ho for the young buck, you just grin and bear it. You want a newer, hipper, blonder host? To quote Frank Constanza...YOU GOT IT!!! Introducing the Ryan Seacrest to my Larry King..... (I know, I couldn't believe it when I saw it on CNN)
Hailing all the way from the Orange State....Misterrrrrr..... Harrrrrrison!!!!

Godzilla v. Kong: THIS BLONDIE HAS SOME THOUGHTS

The city of Tokyo, Japan, as many may know, is the site of the greatest fighting upset of all time. No... I am not talking about James "Buster" Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson and turning him into the absurd lunatic that we all know and love today. I am talking, of course, about King Kong's victory over Godzilla in "King Kong vs. Godzilla" in 1962. The miracle on ice, Red Sox-Yankees, The Battle of Thermopylae, all of these upsets pale in comparison to the absolute and total bull shit that was King Kong's success against the superior giant lizard from the sea. Yes, that's right, King Kong is an outright nancy boy compared to Godzilla. Due only to a US production team and the never-before seen fact that lightning hurts Godzilla and makes King Kong uber-powerful, Kong pulled it out. But really.. can anyone take this seriously? Lets face facts people. Godzilla is the most formidable killing machine ever. His body is made from nuclear cells that regenerate almost instantly. Even if you cut him, he heals faster than two shakes of a lamb's tale, and then boy is he pissed. Did I mention that he shoots nuclear fire from his mouth? Oh I didn't... well he does. He is undaunted as he smashes building after building to rubble and stomps on unwitting tiny Japanese women who can do nothing more than point and shout his name. All the while you can tell by the gleam in their eye that they want to take him as their lover. And yes, Godzilla is a humanitarian. He emerges from the sea only when needed to quell a bigger threat to the citizens of Tokyo. Does anyone here honestly think King Kong would have bothered with fighting, let alone defeated, the likes of Biolante, Mothra, The Cosmic Monster, MECHAGODZILLA? That's right, a freaking robot version of Godzilla. And yet, Godzilla dispatches of these foes more quickly than Michael Moore at the Shoney's breakfast buffet. What does King Kong do? He gets CAPTURED by humans, escapes only to fall in love with a woman 1/4000th his size who will surely break his heart, and is killed by World War I era bi-planes. How? You ask? Because he is so freaking stupid he thinks the best method to flee is to climb the tallest building in town. Godzilla has been pummeled by missiles from MIG jets and F-14s numerous times, only to roar, shoot nuclear fire at them, and continue about his business. So why do I care about this, why now? Because there is a new King Kong movie, of course. I haven't even seen a preview, but I am sure of this, it sucks. I would rather watch a movie about Scott Baio than King Kong. Why? Because I have more respect for Scott Baio. Some chick invited me to see King Kong. I told her sorry toots, I think I'll save the 10 bucks, order a pizza and hang out on the couch, besides Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah is coming on.. Oh and Tim, Godzilla would kick Superman's ass. Just so you know..

Posted by Victor on Monday, December 12, 2005 at 11:19 AM | Permalink