More, you say? Alrighty!

That Balki, he's too much....

Posted by Victor at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments

[Editor's note: I cleaned this entry up as I realized that there were several grammatical and syntaxical errors. Syntaxical is a word. Honest injun.]

Nothing about the human body evokes more emotion. Or so they say. I tend to agree. I think you can learn a lot about how someone is feeling based on their eyes. Be it the darting eyes of rage or the seductive twinkle of a bachelor on the prowl, the eyes are the window into your soul. So, let's take a look at some eyes that I personally love. Oh, and some may be your eyes, so look carefully. A couple are mine, as my beautiful brown eyes are just so darn cute.

Crook eye
When you just got cut off in traffic or perhaps an asshole friend makes a smart remark about how Chinese people are cheap, no better answer can be given than the good ole crook eye. Just add smattering of incredulous with a dash of perturbed, and with a twist of your eyes, you can let them know that they are full of shit. Sometimes, this can be confused as deep contemplation, thus practice may be required to get the desired "Suuuure...and I bet she cooked you breakfast, too" look

Drink eye
Never far from way too-revealing clothes or very tight black pants, these eyes pretty much ask you to share a drink. Even if you just got fired or dumped, the drink eye cares little as long as some form of spirit is entering your system. Usually, the drink eye means a good time for all, but more often than not, her evil cousin will rear its ugly and disorderly head.


Drunk eye
Though similarly named as its cousin, the drink eye, this is the one that shows up after a few too many Natty Lights. While various in its form, it is renowned for its amazing imitation of the infamous Pass-out eye, which often is not far behind. Be it girl or guy, the message is clear, "I will make out with anything that moves." Many a night has been extended when these eyes pop up.


Stink eye
As the name states, this eye is reserved for the worst of times. Be it a hated rival or that certain someone who gets your goat, the evil eye will get the message across. You've had just a little too much scotch and you will probably say something stupid and obnoxious. While the evil eye can lead to sticky situations, fun is normally in store as the beholder of the evil eye will invariably self-destruct in a mess of their own vomit. Characterized by a squinting (or as some say "Chinking") of your eyes, one can peer angrily at the object of one's hate. Works well in all situations, although it can sometimes be unnoticeable if said stink-eyer has Asian eyes.

UFIA eye
For those that don't frequent fark.com or hang around Pittman, UFIA is his favorite move. The unsolicited finger in ass. Generally, this eye results after any surprising action, but the pinnacle of said eye only occurs when a foreign finger finds your poop-shooter. The arch of the eyebrow can normally signify whether the violating finger was a thumb or the more probative pointer finger. Irregardless, stinky pinkys and more will often result.

Evil eye
Steer clear when you spot this. Often spotted among the Caucasian species (thus, the "White devil" nomenclature), this eye is noted by its piercing red glow of terror. Many a Japanese schoolgirl have quietly gone to bed with the threat of a visit from the "Eve-er Eye". Found in both sexes, this eye was rumored to have caused both the demise of the Hindenburg (OH!, the humanity) and the death of Bambi's mom. Not much is known about the causes of the evil eye, but all that needs to be said is to tread lightly.


The "O" Face
While not technically or even remotely related to the eye, its inclusion is nonetheless deserved. When squeezing one out to your favorite Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue, this face shows that you are content with living a life of gas station hot dogs, Saved by the Bell reruns and Double Coupon Tuesdays at Kroger's. (I really hope no such person exists, but if so, we should hang out.)

Posted by Victor at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Sure, I realize that workplace humor is pretty much a dead horse that's been beaten too much. Everybody does it, and outside of Office Space, everything else is just a poorly written emulation. Well, that won't stop me from trying to at least add a little in my own personal spin. And off we go.

1) For those that are big fancy attorneys with their own private offices, this probably doesn't apply. But, when that lunchtime burrito is grumbling like a hungry grizzly, you gotta think about ways to dispel such noxious odors. If you have an office, sure, it's no big deal as you can just close the door and cut muffins till your sore in the ass. The logical types usually say something along the lines of "just excuse yourself to the restroom." Duh, but where's the fun in that? Some effective ways that I've discovered usually include creating a diversion. Perhaps you accidentally knock that Southern Digest onto the floor. Or maybe you were trying to kill that annoything fly with a slap of the hand. All effective, though based on some skilled timing. And for those that say "just let it out slowly", well, sir, you gotta explain that smell somehow. For the ladies, it's no prob as it's always the dog's fault. Period. But, for some reason, when I blamed the dog, I didn't really understand why the boss told me to go home for the rest of the day.

2) Quick naps are always a premium. Again, office dwellers can close the door and say that you are on a phone call for the next 30 minutes. Some may try the Constanza method, but sleeping under desks is neither comfortable or fail-safe. And the excuse of "I'm picking up the box of paperclips I dropped" doesn't work after the 4th time. The key to the quick nap is the trusty ole bathroom. Make sure you use the other floors bathroom, and always, always bring work with you. Taking a 45 minute poo is acceptable when you got caught up in reading a case and you just didn't want to get up. To wipe your ass. Wow. Sick. Scratch that notion.

3) Making a new pot of coffee is stupid. I don't know why, but I really hate doing it. So, I decided not to drink as much of it. But, if you HAD to have that coffee and hate making a fresh pot, the trick is to make your coffee absolutely terrible. I don't suggest peeing in it, but maybe a dash of salt or ranch can create the most pungent of joes. After making it a oouple of times, people will be begging you to let them know when the coffee's out so you don't have to make the new one.

4) Office birthay parties are sometimes pretty lame. Especially if you don't know who the birthday boy/girl is. And when you're trying to watch the schoolboy figure, that cake is going straight to the thighs. For some reason, refusing an office party cake is like saying that Hitler was the smartest man alive. So, a handy dandy tool is to call the local time and weather number. Just sit on the line the whole time and say "Yeah, no problem" and "Yes sir" should save you that indignity of standing in the break room and dispensing uncomfortable pleasantries of "So, HOW old are you again?"

5) The office fridge, although essential, can be quite a sticky situation. Some ethnic foods just resemble and give off the smell of year-old foods. I don't like it when my leftover Popeye's has to sit next to somebody's Tupperware that seems to be housing dinner from 1978. I tell you what, you throw out squash goulash once, you ain't gonna hear the end of it.

Guess the show, win a donut...

Posted by Victor at 9:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

It's been a week where my mind is just on other things, and nary a creative thought is found anywhere within this coconut of mine. So, to pander to the lowest common denominator, I will just post a couple of pics I found amusing, and a blast from the past for good ole Timmy. Yep, it's the video of the bear and the tra-ma-poline. Enjoy.

Pure Awesomeness.

That's right, you misogynists out there.

STD's are no laughing matter...

Posted by Victor at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

One of the most difficult things in life is growing old. You have to see friends and family age as well as waking up with pains in areas you'd never realize you had. The worst part, in my mind, is seeing heroes of your youth stripped of their aura of greatness. While my previous post lauded the accolades of a star tabbed as being past his prime, the following will be a few pictures of icons of the my youth that have sadly hit upon hard times. Feel free to cry along as I will take a sad stroll down memory lane.


Yes, sadly enough, the shout-out from Chappelle did nothing to help the one-and-only Gallagher. Who amongst us doesn't miss the glory days of the Sledge-o-Matic and his hilarious 80's humor? This man has fallen on hard times as his brother has stolen his act under the moniker of "Gallager Too". Be not fooled if you have a ticket, tis it not be the real Gallagher. But, the future looks a little brighter as he did fare pretty well in the recent California gubanatorial elections, losing to another great icon.


For those wrestling fans out there, the man to the right needs no introduction. The Total Package. The man who slammed Yokozuna. Yes, it is the great Lex Luger. Sadly, as you may have surmised, these are mugshots of Mr. Luger. The crime? Being charged with possession of non-prescription medication and also possibly linked to the death of Elizabeth Hulett. Yep, you read that correct...Miss Elizabeth. Sadly, she is with the greats such as Mr. Perfect, Big Bossman, the Junkyard Dog and Rick Rude. There's a helluva wrasslin' match up in Heaven. But, as for the Total Package, it's been a long, hard fall since the glory days of Torture Racking the likes of Buff Bagwell and Jimmy Hart.


Well, not much really needs to be said. Smurfette's stay in the Smurf Village has mentally destroyed any sense of normalcy she had. Being the only LEGAL (Sassette was a kid! Perv) female Smurf, she knew that every Smurf would kill to Smurf her. With this sense of entitlement, she went down a long, hard road of multiple Smurf-bangs, cocaine and general whore-ity. Time has not been kind. She waits patiently for that big reunion paycheck, but offering Smurf-jobs for food makes life pretty Smurfing hard.



While some of you have had the sad misfortune of seeing this picture, I felt that we still need to remember him. He was the principal to ALL of us, and look what he is relagated to. Sitting in a a dive getting offered shots by some drunk sorority girls. And to make matters worse, it looks to be a fruity, non-manly shot. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Kids, when you think about dropping out of school and going for that pie in the sky, remember, it's not that easy. Just stare into Belding's sad eyes as he sits in his Saved by the Bell crew jacket. Sniff....his expression is just that of a defeated man....excuse me...I've got something in my eyes...I just want to hold him and say "It's alll right...cuz you're saved by the bell"


Alright, sorry for that momentary loss of composure. But, we won't end on a downer. Many people have said that this man is a genius and a gift to humanity. I cannot agree more. From his portrayal of confused man #1 in Three Men and a Baby to his stupendous work as Mahoney, we can all agree that we were lucky to have lived during the time of Steve Guttenburg. Who can forget the time that he tricked Harris into going to the Blue Oyster? Some may ask, "What happened to him?" Well, due to his high standards, he his hid from the limelight and lay in wait for the next great role that can befit him. Yes, Police Academy 8 is back! Mahoney. Sweetchuck. Jones. Lassard. Hightower. It's like a dream come true. The movie is slated for 2007, and all I can say is that the time of Guttenburg is back.

He's still got it

Posted by Victor at 8:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

A common misconception is that Lawrence Tureaud, loveably known as Mr. T, needs work. This slanderous assumption was the result of an SNL cartoon that posited the notion that Mr. T would be willing to play Torvald in Henrik Ibsen's play "A Dolls House." How wrong that is. Of course, we are all familiar with his great, if not genius, body of work, ranging from many great cameos on Conan to supplying the voice of a certain "Mr. T in Your Pocket" to helping you save money on collect calls. But, this ain't your daddy's Mr. T anymore. He's given up his chains as he realized that it was a mockery of Katrina victims. If you have to ask why, the answer is "Shut up FOOL!"

In Mr. T's newest endeavor, he will be the host of a new television show called "I Pity the Fool". Whatever I say cannot touch how hilarious the original press release is, so here goes (emphasis added):

The TV Land network announced Tuesday that it will start "I Pity the Fool," a series where "The A-Team" star travels across the country dispensing inspiration and advice.

"The `T' stands for talking," he said in an interview with The Associated Press. "I'm going to talk it up. It's what I've been doing all my life. My show ain't no `Dr. Phil,' with people sitting around crying," he said. "You're a fool — that's what's wrong with you. You're a fool if you don't take my advice."

My sneaking suspicion is that the show will be very similar to whenever I talk to Tim when he USED to have a pocket T. Lot's of "Shut up fool"s and "Quit yo jibba-jabba". But, before you say "Man, that Mr. T is played out", he has moved into the digital age.

"California company NavTones has contracted with Mr. T and the actors Burt Reynolds and Dennis Hopper to record voices that can be loaded into navigation systems, giving your driving directions a little extra personality...Where the typical navigation system says "You have reached your destination," Mr.T's voice follows that with: "What is that? That's where you were going? Oh, man. You wasted my time!"

Doing his "Eric" pose

No Mr. T, but hey, it's Willie punching Burt. Can you really ask for much more?

Posted by Victor at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments

I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea what Cinco de Mayo celebrates. After a little research, I was not too shocked: it's the celebration of Mexico's victory over....France. Yes, big surprise that the Frenchies lost in another war. But, nonetheless, it is a holiday for the celebration of beating Frenchmen, which would seem like no big deal as everybody and their cousin has managed to beat them in one form or fashion in the past 200 years. Regardless, to many, it is like St. Patrick's day. Another ethnic holiday that makes a great excuse to drink. And, luckily for all you alcoholics out there, like St. Paddy's day, Cinco de Mayo is also on a Friday. But before y'all go crazy on the margaritas and tequila shots, there is a much more serious issue at hand. Illegal immigration. Some of y'all up in DC or here in Atlanta are heavily involved with it, and it's a pretty divisive issue. But before you make any decisions, just listen to the voice of the people. Yes, big-city folks voice their "educated" opinions on this issue. Below are just a few choice comments taken from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's online forum regarding Cinco de Mayo and Mexicans in general. These are actual posts. Whether you agree or disagree on this issue, everyone can appreciate some xenophobic comments. Enjoy.

By WAR EAGLE

May 4, 2006 12:25 PM |

How un american Jessica-you must listen to hip hop.My Company is boycotting EVERYTHING Mexican until the illegals leave. If we get any more PC, women will be wearing Burlap sacks like they do in Iran. How can you celebrate a culture that envisions doing whatever the hell you want without regard to the rules? Would you feel the same way if an illegal ran over your kid or you because some stupid state gave him a license to drink and drive? How about one that broke into your house trying to steal your beer? Think about it. Breaking and Entering is a crime-does not matter if it is a house, a bank, a business or a country.

By Ed

May 4, 2006 12:27 PM

Why do we celebrate Mexico’s independence day in the United States? Do we celebrate France’s Bastille Day? Do we celebrate Australia’s independence day? What about Canada’s? I am an American. My ancestors (1840’s and earlier) came from Scotland and Ireland, but I am American. Period. As for celebrating it just as an excuse for celebrating something, forget it. I won’t even do Taco Bell now because of this invasion of our nation by foreign forces.

By Tina

May 4, 2006 09:31 AM

Unfortunately, the legal immigrants supporting the illegals in these protests have caused many Americans to look unfavorably on not just illegals, but Mexicans in general. I think everyone should avoid all things Mexican all the time, not just May 5th.

By time for the truth

May 4, 2006 02:57 PM

ITS JUST ANOTHER MEANINGLESS DAY

But my wife and I are PROUDLY boycotting anything Mexican/Latino. We stopped some time ago going to mexican restaurants and any other businesses that we are discover are run/owned by latinos are now permanently on the BUY NOTHING FROM list.

Its simply mirroring back exactly what the latino bigots did earlier this week and seem to do constantly all year round.

If everybody boycotted the more obvious CORPORATE and small business panderers/enablers of illegals then the situation might improve.

I think the 5th of May is the perfect date to start actually building the 2000 mile wall. I think it should be mined as well in the more popular crossing spots - just to make sure!! :)

Illegal Mexicans should be treated here in the US exactly the same way they treat their own illegals. That way there is no hypocrisy or racial double standards.

KICK EM ALL OUT IMMEDIATELY

Posted by Victor at 9:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

As everybody knows, gas ain't cheap nowadays. For us folks that do that big city living, it's not very fun plunking down $45. Sadly, another malady that affects us big-city folks is the matter of going out and having a good time. With rising costs, I decided to try budgeting and forgo some pleasures for more "reasonable" costs. I was amazed that despite the rock-bottom price, there IS worse Scotch than 100 Pipers. Even getting a pitcher of The Champagne of Beers is about $7!!! And for lunch, a club sammich at an establishment like MacAllister's can run you ten bucks. But, what would you do with if you had an Andy Jackson burning in your wallet? Which would you rather have: 1/2 a tank of gas, throwing twenty GW's at a skanky stripper, or a hearty meal at Popeye's? I think I'd just buy 1/4 of gas and a smaller meal at Popeye's. As for the booby club, I think it's still too early in my life to be going solo to these joints. I don't think I've reached the stage of "dirty old man" yet. Just dirty. And if anything, that's what the internet's for. It's been a while, but I guess I might have to dust off my ole "Project Hobo" contingency plan: live in my car and with the $5-7 bucks I can get off begging, buy Wild Irish Rose for $1.25 to drown the sorrows and feast on some double cheeseburgers at McDs. It'd work.

But, the concept of food, sex or cars is of course not mine. It is from the classic SNL skit that featured contestants having to decide which of the three is the most desirable: the food, the sex, or the car. Just for shit and giggles, here are a few of the questions. Choose wisely.
1) circus peanut, Bea Arthur, or a Dodge Dart
2)a hero, the blonde sister from Heart, or a Firebird
5)garlic bread, Martha Stewart, or a US Postal van
6)a head of lettuce, Shirley Hemphill, or a '79 Pinto
7)a raw egg, Betty Ford, or the Beverly Hillbillies' truck
8)a can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on its back
9)a bucket of lard, She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg (Oh, the humanity!~)
10)potato skins, Connie Chung, or a Pontiac Bonneville

Posted by Victor at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comments