[Editor's note: I cleaned this entry up as I realized that there were several grammatical and syntaxical errors. Syntaxical is a word. Honest injun.]

Nothing about the human body evokes more emotion. Or so they say. I tend to agree. I think you can learn a lot about how someone is feeling based on their eyes. Be it the darting eyes of rage or the seductive twinkle of a bachelor on the prowl, the eyes are the window into your soul. So, let's take a look at some eyes that I personally love. Oh, and some may be your eyes, so look carefully. A couple are mine, as my beautiful brown eyes are just so darn cute.

Crook eye
When you just got cut off in traffic or perhaps an asshole friend makes a smart remark about how Chinese people are cheap, no better answer can be given than the good ole crook eye. Just add smattering of incredulous with a dash of perturbed, and with a twist of your eyes, you can let them know that they are full of shit. Sometimes, this can be confused as deep contemplation, thus practice may be required to get the desired "Suuuure...and I bet she cooked you breakfast, too" look

Drink eye
Never far from way too-revealing clothes or very tight black pants, these eyes pretty much ask you to share a drink. Even if you just got fired or dumped, the drink eye cares little as long as some form of spirit is entering your system. Usually, the drink eye means a good time for all, but more often than not, her evil cousin will rear its ugly and disorderly head.


Drunk eye
Though similarly named as its cousin, the drink eye, this is the one that shows up after a few too many Natty Lights. While various in its form, it is renowned for its amazing imitation of the infamous Pass-out eye, which often is not far behind. Be it girl or guy, the message is clear, "I will make out with anything that moves." Many a night has been extended when these eyes pop up.


Stink eye
As the name states, this eye is reserved for the worst of times. Be it a hated rival or that certain someone who gets your goat, the evil eye will get the message across. You've had just a little too much scotch and you will probably say something stupid and obnoxious. While the evil eye can lead to sticky situations, fun is normally in store as the beholder of the evil eye will invariably self-destruct in a mess of their own vomit. Characterized by a squinting (or as some say "Chinking") of your eyes, one can peer angrily at the object of one's hate. Works well in all situations, although it can sometimes be unnoticeable if said stink-eyer has Asian eyes.

UFIA eye
For those that don't frequent fark.com or hang around Pittman, UFIA is his favorite move. The unsolicited finger in ass. Generally, this eye results after any surprising action, but the pinnacle of said eye only occurs when a foreign finger finds your poop-shooter. The arch of the eyebrow can normally signify whether the violating finger was a thumb or the more probative pointer finger. Irregardless, stinky pinkys and more will often result.

Evil eye
Steer clear when you spot this. Often spotted among the Caucasian species (thus, the "White devil" nomenclature), this eye is noted by its piercing red glow of terror. Many a Japanese schoolgirl have quietly gone to bed with the threat of a visit from the "Eve-er Eye". Found in both sexes, this eye was rumored to have caused both the demise of the Hindenburg (OH!, the humanity) and the death of Bambi's mom. Not much is known about the causes of the evil eye, but all that needs to be said is to tread lightly.


The "O" Face
While not technically or even remotely related to the eye, its inclusion is nonetheless deserved. When squeezing one out to your favorite Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue, this face shows that you are content with living a life of gas station hot dogs, Saved by the Bell reruns and Double Coupon Tuesdays at Kroger's. (I really hope no such person exists, but if so, we should hang out.)

Posted by Victor on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 at 10:34 PM | Permalink