It's been ONE whole year since I started this endeavor back in 11/27/05. I really got nothing to say as I'm stil spending all the free time I have listening to the radio to see who Bama's new coach is gonna be. I wish I had something smart or sentimental to say, but I don't. So those of you who still are left that read this, what the hell is wrong with you? I would think my juvenile humor and sad attempts at insight would bore most, if not all, of my loyal readers. Oh well. Once I shake the Thanksgiving Break cobwebs, we'll get something funny going. As for those who enjoy the Colbert Report, you can make your very own "On Notice!" board at the following link : http://www.shipbrook.com/onnotice/ It should provide hours of fun as you put all of your bosses/relatives/significant others on the board and show that you hate them! See, when you have nothing original to write, steal from others!
On the eve of Thanksgiving Day, here are just a few things I'm thankful for (most are real...a couple are sarcastic):
No traffic on the interstate. A glass of scotch after a long day. Myspace friend requests from wanna-be porn stars and seventeen year-olds. Phone conversations that require just the use of the word "ok". Driving with the windows down and the music up. The extra chicken nugget in a six-pack. Not living in Alabama after the Iron Bowl (except when/if Bama wins). Wearing jeans to work. A freezing apartment and a warm comforter. Eating Popeye's in bed right before doing the laundry. White women. Continuing to read long after the Browns have reached the Super Bowl. Steve Perry's magic voice. Friends who still believe in me despite all reasons not to. Finding a quarter and a cigarette while looking for the remote. Our troops. (Saw a bunch coming home at the airport.....God bless 'em) Having exact change at the drive-thru. The anticipation before a Braves-Bama-UAB-Falcons game...and the sadness afterwards. People who love the Final Countdown. Slightly burnt mac n' cheese. Random conversations with random strangers. Nasty high fives. The Garfield float in the Macy's Parade. Buying new ties. Living in the greatest country in the world. Knowing random facts such as who is Itchy and who is Scratchy at trivia night. Burning a new CD full of the worst 80's songs imaginable and making others listen to it.
Yeah, it's been quite a while since Bama's had a win. As picture above, this was our final time to taste the glory of victory. In trying to do all the things possible that could lead to a W for the good guys this weekend, I've decided to try all sorts of random superstitious methods. Nothing stupid like praying or voodoo bullshit as a) no need to bother the big guy upstairs with trivial matters such as football and b) if I'm killing a live chicken, it ain't gonna be for voodoo. So, after turning my myspace page (www.myspace.com/vhkang927) into a virtual shrine to 'Bama (loud and obnoxious describes it adequately), I figured that in order to even the karmic flow of my chi, that I should post something that is complimentary to our honorable opponents, the Tigers of Auburn University. Thus, here are some famous alumni that I was not aware of. So here's to you Auburn, f/k/a East Alabama Male College f/k/a Agricultural and Mechanical College of Alabama f/k/a Alabama Polytechnic Institute.
1. Bill Holbrook Some of y'all may see this in your newspapers. What? Nobody gets newspapers anymore...and if they do, they DON'T read the comics??? What's wrong with you people! Anyways, On the Fastrack is a pretty funny comic that deals with the engineering and tech issues. I used to read it all the team as a kid right after not laughing at Garfield and right before snickering at that Beetle Bailey. Oh Sarge, you would have fit right in at Abu Ghraib.
2) Jimmy Wales
He is the man who created wikipedia.org. If you aren't familiar with this website, then get with the times Gramps. It's the perfect website that basically has information on anything and everything you'd want to know. In fact, that's the website that usually helps me get all the esoteric facts that entertain oh-so-very much. Think of it as an Encyclopedia Brittanica that doesn't suck. Great for looking up what the name of that episode of Seinfeld was called. Yet, it also has damn good information on anything under the sun (I learned how a Hydrogen Bomb works!).
3)Alvin Vogtle Those of you who said "Hey, that's Steve McQueen!", congrats. As for the others, there's more on TV than just reality shows and teen dramas for you to watch. So, yes, obviously Steve McQueen, one the of the greatest actors of all time, did not go to Auburn. But, the character that he played in "The Great Escape" was based on Alvin Vogtle. Alvin was a Spitfire pilot who was shot down and tried to escape 5 times. He was successful on his 6th.
4) Kimberly Page
So, this one might be a little esoteric for most people. But for those wrasslin' fans out there (and there's gotta be a couple at the Barn), this is none other than Diamond Dallas Page's beautiful (ex)wife. Kim Page was a fine graduate of Auburn. Man, back in the glory days of WCW, DDP would come out to that rip-off of Pearl Jam and run around the ring going "BANG!" and making the Diamond Cutter sign. And then Kim would do that cool "get into the ring under the ropes" so that all the fans could see her boobs. Wait...what was I talking about?? Anyways, so this one is a stretch for notable alumnis. There ain't nothing wrong with trying to post a pic of a hot chick. And trust me, this is about the most modest of pics that I could find, so up your nose wit a rubber hose, ya prudes!
DDP - Diamond Cutter!!!
5) Jimmy Buffett
Technically, he didn't graduate as he transferred to Southern Miss. Guess his lost shaker of salt wasn't in Auburn. Lame. Anywho, probably most of y'all Auburn grads were aware of Jimmy's relation to the school. Irregardless, it's still pretty cool to be associated with the godfather of chillaxing. I don't really have much else to say as the only things that come to my mind about Jimmy is margaritas and cheeseburgers....and varicose veins.
6) Captain & Tennille (well...just Tennille)
Toni Tennille was a native of Montgomery and a proud graduate of Auburn. One of the deliciouisly bad bands of the 70s, this duo was responsible for the unforgettable "Love Will Keep Us Together." There's really not much else to be said about this other than "watch this".
So there you go, without dipping into the athletic stars, we can see that Auburn has a quite a number of talented and famous alumni. Hopefully this will be enough in the good karma so that come Saturday, all my good deeds and good will towards the school on the Plains will be rewarded. All in the name of fearing the thumb. Bloop!
Now, back in MY day, we didn't have none of these fancy newfangled gadgets to pass the time. We didn't have no myspace or youtube so that we could start the process of being sexual beings at the age of 12. We played "Doctor"and that was as much action as one could get, barring the jackpot of stumbling on Pop's Playboy collection. We didn't text each other or send virtual kisses. We passed notes in class that said "Do you like me....circle yes or no." When it was raining and I was bored, I didn't have no stinking internet porn or video games to pass the time. We sat around and played rhyme games and tag. And that's we liked it! So, as a stroll down memory lane, here are some "fun" games that I recall from my childhood.
1) Red Rover - This was the one chance that fat kids like me had to shine in those halcyon days. Us fatties weren't real good at hiding or seeking. But, this game was our time. For those that don't recall, it was a game where two teams lined up across from each other and holding hands. Then, the team leader would say "Red rover, red rover...send Victor right over". So, I, being on the other team, would muster all the strength in my tubby ass and charge across to try to break through the hand-holding defenses of the other team. And boy howdy, I knocked some scrawny white asses on the ground. Although, being shorter, they eventually realized that by raising their arms, that was a pretty effective way to clothesline me. Bastards.
2) 500 - This was a game preferred by the kids who really had no athletic ability, but still enjoyed sports to some extent. The game was the perfect for the fatties, bespectacled and the short to play on the sideline when they are invariably not chosen by the team captains in the pickup football game. The game consists of the person (or "It") and the other people. Whoever is It will lob a football (or baseball) high in the air towards the other players, while shooting out a numerical value. The person who catches the ball, gets the points...eventually a new "it" is named when that person totals a score of 500. Negative points may be awarded, but those who did that are assholes. Not much athletic ability is needed as the only skills required are a) the ability to stand and b) the ability to catch. Of course, there was those kids who felt they deserved to have been picked to play in the real game, and treat the game of 500 as an exhibition for NFL scouts. And there's always the dick who just wants to be it the whole time and makes every ball impossible to catch and/or worth only fractions of points (yeah, we were math geeks).
I swear they are playing 500. Look up "playing 500" in Google Images if you don't believe me.
3) Television Tag -
Us sophisticated types in Huntsville didn't play plain and boring "freeze tag". We jazzed it up by adding the crucial element of naming TV shows in order to be unfrozen. As I sit here trying to recall the rules, I am getting a blank spot. If I remember, there was on person who was "it", and their goal was to freeze everyone? And if you could yell out a TV show, you were unfrozen. The more I think about, the more futile the game seems. Who's the aribitor in case there's an argument over whether you've used the TV show already or not? I can't imagine that you would be allowed to say the same show everytime, because otherwise, you'd just slowly waltz along and everytime you're frozen, just say "The Snorks." As such, why would anyone ever want to be "it" then? There must have been some way to allow them the chance to pass on the "it" title. Man, what a shitty game! All I know is that Silver Spoons and ALF were my go-to shows. And if things REALLY looked hairy, I dropped the "Hee-Haw" on them. Moving on.
4) Heads Up Seven Up I think this game was one of the earliest games that established who would be future lawyers. These games supposedly involved the abilities that great trial laywers would need. I'll elaborate. For Heads up Seven Up, there was a few select kids where were considered "it". Probably seven of them. Everyone else had to put their head down and thumbs up. The people who were "it" went around and pressed one thumb each. After all "its" were done, they went back to the front of the class. Those who had their thumbs pressed were then allowed to face their oppressors. If you picked the right person who thumbed you, then you were now "it". It supposedly tought us how to use the process of elimination. In my mind, it tought us the ability to cheat and mislead. There was always a kid who would peak and catch a glimpse. My secret trick was to always pick on the same girl (my first crush....sigh) but use a different way to put her thumb down. Sometimes, it was a gentle press. Other times, I'd pinch their thumb. Flawless. Except for my bad poker face and inability to face my accuser without giggling and wanting her to know that it was I with the gentle pinches and sweet caress.
Now, there are probably more than enough games that I played as a kid, and I assume by now nobody gives a rat's ass. Thus, thise was one games as suggested on a kid's activity websites that confuses and scares me.
Chinese Jump Rope
First you begin with the rope around the ankles of two children.
Another child jumps in the rope with both feet. Then the child jumps out of the rope with both legs straddling each outside rope. Next, the child jumps from side to side. (Straddling each side of the rope.) Then the child jumps on the rope. Then out again. Finally, the child takes the rope, crosses it using their legs, so that their legs are in side of an x. Then the child has to jump out and straddle the rope.
With each jump if they land on the rope when they are not supposed to, then they are out. Or if they are trying to land on it and miss they are out. Once you accomplish the ankles, you move up to the waist, then below the arms, then finally the neck (I have never seen it go that far.) With each sequence you say, "in, out, side, side, on, in, out." Wow, I don't really know what the fuck is being described. All I can say is that if this game is implying that Chinese people and the words "children" "tied ankles" and "straddle" have something in common...then you're wrong. It should be called Japanese Jump Rope. Sick fuckers.
First off, let me say what everyone should be saying: "Get off your ass and vote....if you're a Republican." I kid. In honesty, go out and vote, irregardless of your political leanings. Well, that is unless you support Communism and/or white supremacy. As they say in Chicago, vote early and vote often. I won't get into the political quagmire of failing wars, pedophile congressman and methed-up clergyman. Also, for my last political plug:
As a quick recap of this crucial vote, here are some fancy bullet points -> Mayor McCheese thrown out of office after being set up by bitch -> Successor Mayor Hampton Burglar's rein has been marked with theivery, burgaling and all sorts of hedonistic excess. -> Mayor Burglar cannot function without the use of cocaine and special sauce.
The choice is clear.
Anywho, my point today was about the use of the word "official" and such advertising words of it's ilk. I know that when you say "The Official ______ of the NFL" or etc, it means that the company paid a shitload of money. I won't question the usage of said advertising money on making a soup the official NFL soup (what does that mean??? if you are in the NLF are you NOT allowed to purchase Sam's Choice Chowder?) My questioning of "official" was piqued when I sat in traffic and heard a local radio station proclaim itself to be "Your Official Station for Christmas Music." I may not be a smart man, but I don't know how or who made the station official. Is there an office of Christmas Music? Are other stations precluded from playing that God-awful Mariah Carey Christmas song? It's like the claims of being the "World's Largest" or the "World's First". I know that's one of those advertising liberties they take in basing the reliabilty of such claim as a basis of reasonableness. Or so I assume. Could I open a store that's just called "The Offical World's Largest Bestest Store"? Sure, and I'm sure nobody would show up. Unless it sold beer and porn. Irregardless, my point still remains in that I don't want to live in a society where words such as "official" "world's largest" and "sexiest" are bandied about willy-nilly. Otherwise, good people like myself may actually believe that the "THE world's largest offical club for the sexiest strippers in town" is located at a one room shack run by a seedy man named Bruno. Well...hypothetically speaking, of course, as I do not frequent said places of ill repute. But, as is, this post was your official Asian-Typed Election-Related Rant of the day. And I officially am done.
With the passing of Halloween, I got my share of slasher films, zombie attacks and just all around dumbass teens romping in places they shouldn't be. As I sat through each predictable horror movie cliche, I realized that if the scenarios were to ever play out with me and my friends, y'all are lucky. Presented for your approval are reasons why one would want Victor around in a horror movie.
1) Minority Minorities in horror movies rarely, if ever, make it. Now, I will admit that there haven't been THAT many Asians in popular horror movies such as Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw, etc etc. Still, non-White folks usually get the shaft (or should I say, the knife). Everybody knows about the stereotype that black folks don't make it in a scary movie. As such, I will provide the corollary that as your Asian buddy, I will probably get hacked or die in some funny Asian way. Like, I can see me getting impaled by two sticks and the villain remarking "Who said chopsticks were hard to use?"
2) Comic Relief As plain as day, everyone can see the comedic genius inherent in me. In all horror movies, you gotta have that one guy who's pants fall down as they are running away and screaming. The guy who screams like a girl at the sight of the spiderweb, but doesn't notice the looming menace of a machete right behind him. I can provide the witty lines right after someone is killed. And, of course, the chubby comic relief always ends up getting his comeuppance after all his snide comments. Even if I don't die, who doesn't enjoy the sight of an Asian fleeing a monster and screaming? And if I do happen to be turned into a zombie or a vampire and have to be dispatched by being dumped into a large industrial fryer, there can be a funny/sad scene where the dispatcher can remark "Now, that's some good fried chink-en!."
3) Karate No, I don't know any karate. BUT. As seen in most horror movies, the unlikely nerd/loser/dork turns out to be the one that is crucial in key situations. When the supposed blonde-hair blue-eyed "leader of the pack" succombs to his own ego and arrogance, the unlikely Asian will step to the forefront. When covered in blood and guts, he finally snaps and takes control. All of the sudden, the latent talents of his forefathers will come to light as he kicks, hi-yahs and judo-chops his way to victory over the ghoulish villain. Boy, I'd look pretty kick-ass with some bad-ass shades and a blood-stained shirt.
4) Cigarettes In EVERY movie, there never seems to be a smoker amongst the group. No matter what the scenario is, somehow, the unlucky hot blond cheerleader will have to set something on fire. Maybe her candle is blown out. Or she has to light a stick of dynamite or burn the villain who is dripping in gasoline. Perhaps she just needs a fire to set of a chain-reaction that will somehow and quite believable lead to her survival. Inevitably, she will have only one match left in the matchbox. If I were around, you'll always have at least 2 lighters handy. And that pack of matches I keep taped to my inner thigh. And that emergency lighter that causes me to waddle like a duck. The point is, with me around, there's no need to fumble around with matches or dying a grisly death because you can't strike a match using a rough surface.
In conclusion, in both dying or surviving, my inclusion in a horror film scenario would be an exciting adventure. Even if we all end up dying from zombies or mutated giraffes, at least we'd have FUN. And if the key to saving the world hinges on the ability to start a small fire in any situation, then just call me King Kang as I will be the hero of the day.
*Disclaimer* - The proceeding rant was brought about by falling asleep while watching Land of the Dead and having some really fucked up/entertaining dreams.
I am me. My mind creates many thoughts that shouldn't be viewed in public...
Random quote of the day (or week, if I'm lazy)
“Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North" and those are some of the principles that I live with today." - Michael Scott
