Normally, I try not to get too serious and etc on this blog. It's s'posed to be teh funny. But, once in a well, my proverbial goat is gotten. Got a forward from a "friend" with these articles attached. I'm not sure if it was more so for my entertainment or more so a "watch yer back...you sell-out piece of shit." I'm ashamed that this Azn Power thing actually is slowly catching on in big cities on the coasts. First off, I'm not saying that us Asian-American types should just roll over and be walking stereotypes. But, then again, I stick with the mantra that if you can't laugh at yourself, then you can't laugh at anything. In my mind, me doing something stereotypical such as speaking in a bad Chinese accent is really no different than some white guy putting on a thick southern accent or perhaps one of y'all I-talian types giving it a big "mama-mia...that's a spicy meat-a-ball!" Lighten up, folks. Anywho, a little background info on the source of the articles. They are from "asianweek.com", which is an Asian newspaper billed as the "voice of Asian-Americans" printed out west (big surprise). The author, Kenneth Eng, is an early 20's writer from...surprise...New York University. All I can say is that if saying y'all, loving some 'Bama football and white wimmens...and laughing at Data and Ducky is wrong...then I don't wanna be right. Rant over.

Why I Hate Asians


Kenneth Eng, Jan 12, 2007

It seems like an odd title for an article written by an Asian Supremacist, but there are very good reasons why I hate many of my own kind.

The first thing I hate about Asians in America is how so many of them want to suck up to whites. I have had fistfights and verbal altercations with many who discriminated against me and my people. Sadly, however, the Asians who witness or hear about these battles often hate me for being "hypocritical," and tell me that "two wrongs don’t make a right." Do these sycophants think it’s "cool" to mindlessly side with whites and blacks? Is it not enough that we have to fight against discrimination? Now we have to fight amongst ourselves as well?

The second thing I hate about Asians is how little pride most of them have. This may be the result of societal brainwashing, but whatever the cause, it must stop. I am repulsed when I see Asian guys speak with British accents in an attempt to sound sophisticated. British people can’t be all that sophisticated if they don’t yet understand the concept of dental hygiene. I am also sickened when I hear Asian people imitate Negro slang in an endeavor to sound "ghetto." Am I supposed to be impressed that such a person emulates the attitude of a supposed slum resident? More importantly, whatever happened to being yourself?

The third thing I hate about Asians is how apathetic many of them are in terms of honor these days. If I saw an Asian being stereotyped in a movie theater, I would immediately stand up and shout incessantly at the screen so that none of the white audience members could enjoy the film. When I saw a white man yelling at an old Asian woman a few months ago, I walked up to him and hollered slurs right back in his Aryan face. But most other Asians, I am disappointed to say, would rather just chuckle at their own stereotypes on screen and ignore the problems of their brethren. At the risk of sounding corny, whatever happened to the days of the samurai? When honor meant more than life? Whatever happened to the age of Sun Tzu when we used to kick ass?

Don’t get me wrong. I love the Asian race, but every race has its inferiors.

Proof That Whites Inherently Hate Us
Kenneth Eng, Nov 24, 2006

White people hate us and will always hate us. Here is a simple list of evidence, going from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

1. How many American films feature Asian heroes who are not stereotyped?
2. If someone makes a negative comment about a black person, all of the whites get hopping mad. Make a negative comment about the Asian race and nobody cares.
3. Most Asians know that everywhere we go, white/black/Hispanic people hurl racist remarks at us. I have already received about 10 racist remarks in the past three months and I have only been out of my home a handful of times.
4. In 1982, Vincent Chin was killed by two white people, Michael Nitz and Ronald Ebens. Both murderers went free, as the judge claimed that they were not the type of people who deserved to be in prison.
5. Chai Vang righteously killed six white people after they approached him with guns first. Unlike the “men” who murdered Vincent Chin, brave Mr. Vang was sentenced to life.
6. Asian civil rights activities receive virtually no media attention. Yet Rosa Parks was pretty much honored as a hero just because she refused to give up her seat. This is curious because Vincent Chin died to defend his race. Why hasn’t he been given an award?It is quite naïve to think that all of this can be explained by claiming that whites are not “enlightened” or that whites lack awareness of our issues. It is even more immature to think that things will get better if only we continue to protest peacefully through lame marches and letters to the producers of (insert any American TV show here). Animals, through evolution, are intrinsically developed to detest organisms that are different; the obvious reason being that conformity to a certain level increases the chances of a species’ survival. Since humans are part of the animal kingdom, it should be no surprise that whites have evolved to hate Asians, who have a strikingly different appearance than them.

Furthermore, we do live in an age where “political correctness” and anti-racism are in vogue. Why then, are there virtually no Asian heroes in the media? This is solid proof that we are enemies in the eyes of the Aryans. If even in an epoch where equality is an important matter they still do not treat us as equals, then what hope is there that they will ever treat us equally?

More importantly, why should we care? We vastly outnumber them. When you have a disobedient child, you do not give him gifts to make him abide to your will. You show him the cane.

And here's the kicker...this is the one that's got San Francisco all in a tizzy.

Why I Hate Blacks

Kenneth Eng, Feb 23, 2007

Here is a list of reasons why we should discriminate against blacks, starting from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

• Blacks hate us. Every Asian who has ever come across them knows that they take almost every opportunity to hurl racist remarks at us.

In my experience, I would say about 90 percent of blacks I have met, regardless of age or environment, poke fun at the very sight of an Asian. Furthermore, their activity in the media proves their hatred: Rush Hour, Exit Wounds, Hot 97, etc.

• Contrary to media depictions, I would argue that blacks are weak-willed. They are the only race that has been enslaved for 300 years. It's unbelievable that it took them that long to fight back.

On the other hand, we slaughtered the Russians in the Japanese-Russo War.

• Blacks are easy to coerce. This is proven by the fact that so many of them, including Reverend Al Sharpton, tend to be Christians.

Yet, at the same time, they spend much of their time whining about how much they hate "the whites that oppressed them."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Christianity the religion that the whites forced upon them?

• Blacks don't get it. I know it's a blunt and crass comment, but it's true. When I was in high school, I recall a class debate in which one half of the class was chosen to defend black slavery and the other half was chosen to defend liberation.

Disturbingly, blacks on the prior side viciously defended slavery as well as Christianity. They say if you don't study history, you're condemned to repeat it.

In high school, I only remember one black student ever attending any of my honors and AP courses. And that student was caught cheating.

It is rather troubling that they are treated as heroes, but then again, whites will do anything to defend them.

Posted by Victor at 8:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

First off, no, this is not a post railing against the travesty that is Van Hagar. I don't care if you make tasty, tasty tequila Sammy, you stink as the lead singer of Van Halen. Way to go in ruining another attempt at reuniting. Boooo Sammy! Anyways, before I go off on a rant, this post is about the sweet nothings that the Sandman whispers into your mind as you sleep. Or sometimes, when you're in a conference cal or eating a chicken dinner. Often, dreams are just a random assortment of whatever happens to be on your mind. Which, in the case of males...sex. But, on those rare nights where dreams aren't filthy and confusingly juvenile, we get some awesomeness. Dreams like where I walked in on a tryout and became a standout cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens. That dream was probably because I was playing Madden 06 all night and doing those stupid cornerback drills. Or like that time I dreamt that I was stuck in a building during a Godzilla attack. I forget how I got away, but irregardless, I was one of those scared Asians running in the streets and screaming. Other awesome dreams can include ones where you are just hanging out with the most random of people. Like the time I was driving to go to somewhere and in the car was Avril Lavigne and my best friend from UAB. And we got in a wreck b/c I drove off a bridge. Again, armchair psychologists could have a field day with dreams. But, one of the things that rules is when you see things in real life that you would have NEVER been able to dream about. In this case, I present the following evidence of why dreams, in the end, pale in comparison to the world as we know it.

Exhibit A:


So, I enjoy Star Wars. I think Princess Leia is pretty hot. And, obviously, Chewie kicked major ass, even if it was gay that he hung out with Yoda in the trash known as Star Wars Episodes I, II and III. I also love baseball. Yet, never in my most influenced stages have I ever thought about the possibility of taking a pitch from Chewie. Or that Chewie would be a southpaw? Or that Princess Leia would be somehow cheering him on? Madness! This picture shows why you should not use drugs when you are thinking of a promotion. I'm not sure how many kids that day were traumatized by a site of Wookie hurling a baseball. But, from all reports, Chewie did throw a wicked curveball for a strike. He'll probably be the first pitcher taken in my fantasy draft.


Exhibit B:

For the unaware or uninitiated, Journey is the best band in the world with Steve Perry. Without Steve Perry's magical lock of hair and the gift from God known as his voice, this world would be one of pain, misery and desolation. Anywho, it's been scientifically proven that if you listen to "Don't Stop Believing", your sperm count will increase...and if you're a female, it relieves cramping. But, the song also will rock thy socks off. But, what happens if you were to combine it with a shitty QB who gets way too much credit and a man responsible for teaching me all that I know about discipline? Well, let's try some math. Heck, I'm Chinese, so trust me with my math skills.....

+ X
=


That's right. Awesomeness. Don't believe me? Well watch for yourself...and tell me that you are not blown away. It's a bit slow at the beginning, but just wait. And if you aren't pumping at least ONE of your body parts, then you, my friend, may have class and taste....but you have no heart....



My final verdict:
Dreams and Van Hagar are bullshit. Real life rules. And so does Diamond Dave.

Posted by Victor at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

Another Hallmark holiday, another day of finding a tie that corresponds with the holiday color. The time to give flowers, candy and stuffed animals in the office so as to rub it into the face of the other unloved workers. It's always fun to sit in the breakroom and hear the gossip of others bitch about how so-and-so got flowers. I give a hearty "harumph" to that nonsense. Y'all American girls have it easy. You get to sit back and get gifts. Seems that the marketing execs in Japan and Korea are a bit better than the ones in the US. Valentine's Day in the Far East has become a much more expensive day:

From Wikipedia:

Thanks to a concentrated marketing effort, Valentine's Day has emerged in Japan and Korea as a day on which women, and less commonly men, give candy, chocolate or flowers to people they like. This has become an obligation for many women. Those who work in offices end up giving chocolates to all their male co-workers, sometimes at significant personal expense.

Take THAT, women. But, alas, it wouldn't be fair to force women to such harsh ways. So, again, the marketing execs in Asia came up with White Day, which is celebrated on March 14. On "White Day", all the men who received presents and gifts reciprocate with white chocolate, marshmellows and the such. Again, those fucking Japs are ingenious, as cheap men are easily rooted out. You can't wait for the Valentine Day shit to go on sale as it's all red; you give out some punk-ass dark chocolate or red candies...well you're gonna be sitting on the floor eating sushi all by yourself.

But, those sneaky execs ain't done. In Korea, they realized that, hey, what about the losers who got zilch? Well, they came up with "Black Day", which is celebrated on April 14. On this day, all the single people in South Korea get together and commiserate their un-dateableness by eating noodles together. Normally, in the US, we don't need a special day alotted to drowning one's loneliness in food and drink; it's a daily occurrence. But I guess those Koreans have a better grip on their psyche. Still, if I lived across the border from Crazy Kim, I guess I too would be focused on living every day to the fullest.

Posted by Victor at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well, as sure as chicken is might tasty, I reckon that many of y'all have missed my insightful and awesome blog. *crickets chirping* Fine, so my posts have sucked. But, I have taken a two/three week sabbatical to recharge my batteries. Just like George, it's like I've tasted the proverbial mango, and I'm BACK BABY!!! Will it work? Who knows, but the point is that Bert and and goat are having some good times. And, honestly, if an asshole like Bert can have a good time, them I'm sure, fellow readers, that we can have a good time, too. So, let's kick this shiznit off with a bang.

Things that piss me off:

1) People named Jonathan, James, Richard, Robert and William.
I'll admit, it's based somewhat on jealousy. My name is Victor. The most you could do with it is either go with Vic...or do what every jerkface in elementary...middle...high....and...sigh..college did...call me Vicki/Victoria. People named Richard and Robert have a MILLION options. It's no fucking fair. I mean...let's just take a gander:
Richard - Rick, Ricky, Dick, Dicky, Rich, Richie
Robert - Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, Roberto
James - Jim, Jimmy, Jamey, Jimbo
Jonathan - John, Jon, Jack, Johnny
William - Will, Willie, Bill, Billy
Well, I may be stretching a few of them, but still, you are given a name. If your parents wanted to name you Bob, they would have called you Bob! It's Robert DeNiro...not Bobby DeNiro. Hell, where the do you white people come up with Dick from Richard and Jack from John? Bah! My paw named me Kang Herng-Chin, and there's no two ways to pronounce that!
2) Animals who don't accept free food
Technically, I guess, all food is free for animals as they don't technically have a monetary system. But, I mean free as in, I am giving you a piece of my sausage biscuit because I am feeling philanthropic. So the other day, even though it was about...oh say 42 degrees outside, I had to go to an escrow agent to complete a closing. The escrow agent's office opens at 9, I amazingly enough got there early and decided to get some breakfast. Well, their office is in one of those huge towers/business parks where they try to make you forget that you are at a menial job by having those stupid man-made lakes. You know, how they call them "campuses", just because it is located away from downtown and there's a fucking lake/fountain with lots of trees doesn't make it any nicer. Anywho, so in this "campus", the bottom floor of the 40 story building is an in-house cafeteria. Got me a nice sausage biscuit and some grits with sawmill gravy. Decide to sit outside and enjoy the scenery. Truth be told, it's was pretty nice, and yes, it's much better than my view of the Wendy's on Peachtree Street. Anywho, my original point was that animals should accept my free food. There was a couple of ducks and some sparrows (or some sort of songbird). I threw a bit of biscuit here and there (no sausage...I may be generous...but I ain't stupid). Alas, nary a bird partook in my free offerings. I mean, come on...it's bread....your kind lives for that shit! If I recall correctly, when you walk into a flock of birds with a loaf of bread, it's like being in Mardi Gras with a bunch of plastic beads. Bedlam ensues. Boobs......Anywho...it's a helluva lot better tasting than grubs and whatever seeds you'll be eating for lunch. It's like those dogs that bug you like crazy cuz you got some human food. Then when you offer then a piece of your baloney sammich, they turn their nose at you. Baloney, my canine friend, is an amalgam of pork, chicken, beef, zebra and whale. How can you argue against that?

Posted by Victor at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments