Well, as sure as chicken is might tasty, I reckon that many of y'all have missed my insightful and awesome blog. *crickets chirping* Fine, so my posts have sucked. But, I have taken a two/three week sabbatical to recharge my batteries. Just like George, it's like I've tasted the proverbial mango, and I'm BACK BABY!!! Will it work? Who knows, but the point is that Bert and and goat are having some good times. And, honestly, if an asshole like Bert can have a good time, them I'm sure, fellow readers, that we can have a good time, too. So, let's kick this shiznit off with a bang.

Things that piss me off:

1) People named Jonathan, James, Richard, Robert and William.
I'll admit, it's based somewhat on jealousy. My name is Victor. The most you could do with it is either go with Vic...or do what every jerkface in elementary...middle...high....and...sigh..college did...call me Vicki/Victoria. People named Richard and Robert have a MILLION options. It's no fucking fair. I mean...let's just take a gander:
Richard - Rick, Ricky, Dick, Dicky, Rich, Richie
Robert - Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, Roberto
James - Jim, Jimmy, Jamey, Jimbo
Jonathan - John, Jon, Jack, Johnny
William - Will, Willie, Bill, Billy
Well, I may be stretching a few of them, but still, you are given a name. If your parents wanted to name you Bob, they would have called you Bob! It's Robert DeNiro...not Bobby DeNiro. Hell, where the do you white people come up with Dick from Richard and Jack from John? Bah! My paw named me Kang Herng-Chin, and there's no two ways to pronounce that!
2) Animals who don't accept free food
Technically, I guess, all food is free for animals as they don't technically have a monetary system. But, I mean free as in, I am giving you a piece of my sausage biscuit because I am feeling philanthropic. So the other day, even though it was about...oh say 42 degrees outside, I had to go to an escrow agent to complete a closing. The escrow agent's office opens at 9, I amazingly enough got there early and decided to get some breakfast. Well, their office is in one of those huge towers/business parks where they try to make you forget that you are at a menial job by having those stupid man-made lakes. You know, how they call them "campuses", just because it is located away from downtown and there's a fucking lake/fountain with lots of trees doesn't make it any nicer. Anywho, so in this "campus", the bottom floor of the 40 story building is an in-house cafeteria. Got me a nice sausage biscuit and some grits with sawmill gravy. Decide to sit outside and enjoy the scenery. Truth be told, it's was pretty nice, and yes, it's much better than my view of the Wendy's on Peachtree Street. Anywho, my original point was that animals should accept my free food. There was a couple of ducks and some sparrows (or some sort of songbird). I threw a bit of biscuit here and there (no sausage...I may be generous...but I ain't stupid). Alas, nary a bird partook in my free offerings. I mean, come on...it's bread....your kind lives for that shit! If I recall correctly, when you walk into a flock of birds with a loaf of bread, it's like being in Mardi Gras with a bunch of plastic beads. Bedlam ensues. Boobs......Anywho...it's a helluva lot better tasting than grubs and whatever seeds you'll be eating for lunch. It's like those dogs that bug you like crazy cuz you got some human food. Then when you offer then a piece of your baloney sammich, they turn their nose at you. Baloney, my canine friend, is an amalgam of pork, chicken, beef, zebra and whale. How can you argue against that?

Damn Ingrates!!!

Posted by Victor on Monday, February 12, 2007 at 10:12 PM | Permalink