Today is Chinese New Years, and thus I would like to encourage all to grab a drink and celebrate it up. It is the year of the dog, so for all those born in 1982, this is your year, baby! Sadly, I will miss throwing the annual New Years Bash in Tuscaloosa. That was a wild time seeing a bunch of crackers eating egg rolls =) Also, below is one of the best pictures taken of Will at the shindig. Heh.

To keep with the Asian theme, my one funny anecdote of the week: wrong-number calls from people who can't speak English. My current landline number in Atlanta once belonged to a Korean family. Now, I am a lover of all people (except the French), but recently my limits have been tested. Not only do I get all sorts of calls from telemarketers, but apparantly this Korean family did not tell people they have switched numbers. So, many times I would get calls from random Asians at crazy hours who babble in Korean and have no grasp of the English language. The kicker is that this man has called my house 4-5 times a day in the past week. I answered the first few times as I hoped that someone yelling in English "WRONG NUMBER" would perhaps send the message. But, now, he still leaves messages and keeps on calling! One time, I just continually said NO to him in hopes he understands. I mean, come on, if you were to call a number and heard a bunch of foreigner talk, I think you'd get the point. Once, just out of boredom, I had a conversation with the dude. I asked if he had ever taunted a giraffe into crying. Apparantly he has. He also knows the sound of one hand clapping. Smart man. Then I started speaking Chinese in hopes that maybe some words were similar. No dice. I think its a sad state of affairs when my most exciting moment is talking about zoology with a Korean man.

Posted by Victor at 10:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

Yeah, it's been a while. But, due to extenuating circumstances, it's been tough to be funny (assuming I was in the first place). As MacArthur said, "I shall return."

Posted by Victor at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today, I got news that one of my good friends from high school passed away suddenly after a medical school exam. I still don't have all the details, but right now, I'm still in shock. For those that didn't know him, he was instrumental in my shift towards good music, and despite how I used to mock him in high school for his mancrush on Eddie Vedder, I soon realized that Pearl Jam was indeed the best band in the world. I'll miss those days of street basketball and your crazy Ewing-like hook, cruising around in your beat-up Mercedes, and being up to no good. It's weird that he went to GaTech and ended up at UAB, and now me, the UAB grad, is at Atlanta. Unfortunately, we never had as many chances as we wanted to hang out. I don't claim to understand the afterlife, but I know you're in a better place. I know that you're hanging out with Ethan now. Thanks for all the good times and being a true friend. Much love, bro.

For he still smiles...
And he's still strong
Nothing's changed, but the surrounding bullshit that has grown
And now he's home
And we're laughing like we always did
My same old, same old friend
Until a quarter-to-ten
I saw the strain creep in
He seems distracted and I know just what is gonna happen next
Before his first step
He's off again
- Pearl Jam

Posted by Victor at 6:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

1. I should have paid attention in home ec instead of staring at that chick. She was pretty hot, and boy, those hormones were a raging back in middle school. What was my point? Oh, right, I wish I knew how to sew stupid buttons. I lost some on my coat and my lucky shirt, so I tried to look online for a visual guide. So, I thread the needle and go in and out a couple of times. It lasted about half a day before it fell off somewhere in the bank. I know it's not hard, but I'm not a very smart man. Sigh, I don't know HOW I ever managed to make that pillow in Home Ec. Maybe Mom did it for me out of pity.

2. Big City Living Update - Waffle House takes CREDIT CARDS! Yes, despite my badmouthing of the fine establishment, she took pity on my poor ass. I don't know why they never started, but I tell you, it's a great/bad idea. I just imagine many times where I have been at the House very drunk and thinking, "Man, if I had more cash, I'd get two of everything!" Alas, this now is a possibility. So, all in all, its a fair tradeoff. I don't mind the non-smoking policy as now I can actually attempt to have every possible combination of the hamburger even if I'm broke. (I still don't believe they have over 70,778,880 ways.) Sadly, the jukebox still is coin/cash operated, so no 32 continuous plays of the Waffle House March.

3. Big City Living Update #2 - I swear, Atlanta's trying to kill me. First, credit cards at the Waffle House, and now, cigarette deliveries? Yes, as part of services offered at www.zifty.com, Atlanta has a company that will deliver food, DVDs and videogames, AND cigarettes to my door at a minimum charge. Unfortunately, Georgia law does not allow the delivery of alcohol, or otherwise, ATL would be the shut-in capital of the world. Now, I have not used the service as I'm close to being done with cigs (hopefully), but its gotta be rough times when one can't even drag themselves to a gas station to get a smoke. But, I noticed there are also condoms, tampons and other personal hygiene products available. Thus, this would remove the snickering Walgreens clerk who gives you the crook eye for your purchase. The thought of somebody answering the door for a condom delivery is pretty hilarious. In fact, thanks to technology, you can pay for them online, so the delivery guy won't be suspicious, and you can order, oh...say about 3 boxes of the extra small and have them delivered to your favorite friend at just the right time. I'm sure mom would love to open the door and get a delivery of Trojans right before dinner.

Posted by Victor at 5:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

So I'm taking a break and trying to enjoy a rerun of South Park on Comedy Central. Lo and behold, at the commercial break, I hear the familiar strains of tropical tunes and get ready for some hot impressionable co-eds (and yes, I do believe the quality of girls have improved....heh) get drunk and wild for only $9.99. But, much to my disgust, it was DUDES!!!! I mean, hell, everyone's always known that this day would happen, but, you're never ready when that day hits. Kind of like the first time you ever say "Damn kids, keep it down! Its almost 11!" It was as if I was in Bizarro World. Day was night. Black was white. Tits were.....dongs. It was a train wreck that I couldn't turn away from. As I sat slack-jawed and trying to hold down my Taco Bell, I think I started bleeding from my ears . Who in their right mind would pay money to see a guy unbutton his metrosexual shirt on a beach or see drunken guys wave their dongs and asses at you? Hell, just give JB or Eric a couple of shots and it's franks, beans and a full moon. I don't ever remember seeing these commercials in Bama, and then I remembered I lived in Atlanta, home of many alternative types (not that there's anything wrong with that). I shook my fist and gave a hearty "Damn it, Big City Living!" In order to prevent my dilly-doo from retracting any further, I switched channels in hope of a Victoria's Secret commercial. Sadly the remote was unkind. The Travel Channel had some show on tribal people, and boy howdy, them's some very saggy boobs. Luckily, Hilary's new sexy music video was on the Disney Channel, and the world was all right again.

Posted by Victor at 12:30 AM | Permalink | Comments

Watch your backs, friends. Today is an eeeeevil day.


Sadly, even Jason falls for the ole "dog poo in a burning sack" prank. And its HIS freaking day!

Posted by Victor at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well, being given the responsibility of hiring a new receptionist has drained me completely of any humor or joy de vivre. So, I will instead post a funny (to me at least) picture.



I don't know what the hell is going on, but as far as I can gather, a silly Dutchman is cheering on this Scot's bagpipe tooting. And boy, that Scot is giving it his all!

*UPDATE* - As Mr. McCheatalot has so eloquently put it, the Dutchman is offering no support at all. Upon closer inspection, there seems to be a malevolent object in said Dutchy's hand. In fact, his constructive criticism is apparantly manifested in the form of some Netherlandish billy club! Methinks that the grin is not one of joy and happiness, but instead a Hollandaise sneer! I shant ponder what horror transpires next, but needless to say, that Scot's tootling may be ended. OH, the humanity!

Posted by Victor at 1:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

In an epic battle of titanic proportions, we will examine today the pros and cons of my couch and my bed. In this corner, weighing 200 pounds, from the Honors House at UAB, the brown mound of comfort, BROWN LEATHER COUCH! And the challenger, accompanied to the ring by his trainer, Dignity, hailing from the Mattress King in Tuscaloosa, SINGLE-SIZE BED! Shake hands, let's have a clean fight, no biting or hitting below the tag, and let's get it on!

Comfort -
Well, most of y'all have had the pleasure of parking your sweet asses on Couch. She's a good sit, and isn't so pretentious that you're scared of spilling stuff on it. As for Bed, there's no question that it beats sleeping in a Couch. But, that may also have ill benefits as I have been to late to work b/c Bed is so comfortable and I can hit the snooze and roll back into the folds of sleepy comfort. Couch, well, she isn't really forgiving, and you really can't wait to get out of it and go to work.
Winner: Draw - Comfort is great, but I also enjoy going to work on time so I gets paid.

Eating -
Since I do not have room for a dining table, Couch has done a magnificent job as a stand-in. Using the coffee table and Couch to eat is not bad. It does not seem pathetic or dirty. Whereas, you eat some Popeyes in Bed, and people paint you as a shut-in fatty. Nuff said.
Winner: Couch - I don't need more reasons to affirm my bachelorhood.

Sentimentality -
Couch has been a part of my life since sophomore year at UAB. She's seen the good and the bad, been there for me through tough times and good times. Whereas Bed, well, let's just say a nun's bed has probably seen more action.
Winner: Couch by a country mile.

Wrapup -
Well, from the tale of the tape, it seems that Couch wins. Couch is definitely the better pick at this juncture of my life. But, of course, the intangible factor is that one is a COUCH and the other is a BED. The potential for greatness definitely lies in Bed's favor as, well, duh....you can figure that one out. Join me next time for the next examinition of the minutiae in my exciting life.

Posted by Victor at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

For the readers that grew up in the Eighties (all I'd presume), no icon made the boys and girls more excited than Mr. Hulk Hogan. From his great defeat of Andre the Giant to his less-than-stellar Saturday morning cartoon, we were all little Hulkamaniacs. So, as some of y'all are privy to, I have taken a liking to annoying my fellow car-riders with 80's wrestling music. They are often tucked away in my mixed CDs and I often forget they exist. So, as I'm sitting in traffic, my random option skips to a certain entrance song. BOO-YA! Talk about Hulking up! If my shirt wasn't so damn expensive and it wasn't about 40 degrees, I would have ripped it off and then cupped my ears to hear the cheers (wow, that's a lot of rhyming!). Boy, was I ever pumped! But, my over-exuberance and driving with windows down no doubt led to the next scenario: some cutie is in the next lane enjoying the scene. Now, I got a thumbs-up, but I'm not sure if it was the thumbs-up that meant a) "Way to go dumbfuck, you will never have sex without paying for it", or b) "Rock on! I loves me some wrasslin' tunes, and I'd love to have your child." Since she was driving an Infiniti and on the back I saw a Phi Mu tag, I'm going with choice A. But you never know.... somewhere, there's a girl out there who appreciates my tunes. Irregardless, I felt like I could take on the Iron Sheik AND Rocky all at once. The moral of the story? As Hulk told me as a young boy, "Train hard, take your vitamins, say your prayers, and believe in yourself!" With that attitude, you can give the big boot and leg-drop to any obstacle in life.

In case you don't know the song or just want to feel the flow Click Here.

Posted by Victor at 9:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

Well, waking up this morning, I felt horrible for my actions to one of my best friends, the Waffle House. In perhaps an alcohol-influenced rage, I had bad-mouthed Waffle House and threatened to never go there again. I tried to make things right by going to the original Waffle House here in town, but no matter what, things just felt awkward. I just want to say, Waffle baby, I'm SO sorry. Please forgive me. Let's quit this fussin' n feudin' and get things back to some sweet cheesy hashbrown lovin'.

On a random note
a sampling of the many other celebrities seen eating in a Waffle House® restaurant:
- Marty Stuart
- Merle Haggard
- Beyonce Knowles
- Reese Witherspoon
- Former President George Bush
- Emmitt Smith
- LeAnne Rimes
- Pete Sampras
- Billy Bob Thornton
- Ludicris
- Vince Gill
- Amy Grant
- Faith Hill
- Sean "P. Diddy" Combs
- Jeff Foxworthy
- Mark Wills
- David Toms
- Kenny Chesney
- Usher
- Jay-Z

Posted by Victor at 2:50 PM | Permalink | Comments