Sure, I realize that workplace humor is pretty much a dead horse that's been beaten too much. Everybody does it, and outside of Office Space, everything else is just a poorly written emulation. Well, that won't stop me from trying to at least add a little in my own personal spin. And off we go.

1) For those that are big fancy attorneys with their own private offices, this probably doesn't apply. But, when that lunchtime burrito is grumbling like a hungry grizzly, you gotta think about ways to dispel such noxious odors. If you have an office, sure, it's no big deal as you can just close the door and cut muffins till your sore in the ass. The logical types usually say something along the lines of "just excuse yourself to the restroom." Duh, but where's the fun in that? Some effective ways that I've discovered usually include creating a diversion. Perhaps you accidentally knock that Southern Digest onto the floor. Or maybe you were trying to kill that annoything fly with a slap of the hand. All effective, though based on some skilled timing. And for those that say "just let it out slowly", well, sir, you gotta explain that smell somehow. For the ladies, it's no prob as it's always the dog's fault. Period. But, for some reason, when I blamed the dog, I didn't really understand why the boss told me to go home for the rest of the day.

2) Quick naps are always a premium. Again, office dwellers can close the door and say that you are on a phone call for the next 30 minutes. Some may try the Constanza method, but sleeping under desks is neither comfortable or fail-safe. And the excuse of "I'm picking up the box of paperclips I dropped" doesn't work after the 4th time. The key to the quick nap is the trusty ole bathroom. Make sure you use the other floors bathroom, and always, always bring work with you. Taking a 45 minute poo is acceptable when you got caught up in reading a case and you just didn't want to get up. To wipe your ass. Wow. Sick. Scratch that notion.

3) Making a new pot of coffee is stupid. I don't know why, but I really hate doing it. So, I decided not to drink as much of it. But, if you HAD to have that coffee and hate making a fresh pot, the trick is to make your coffee absolutely terrible. I don't suggest peeing in it, but maybe a dash of salt or ranch can create the most pungent of joes. After making it a oouple of times, people will be begging you to let them know when the coffee's out so you don't have to make the new one.

4) Office birthay parties are sometimes pretty lame. Especially if you don't know who the birthday boy/girl is. And when you're trying to watch the schoolboy figure, that cake is going straight to the thighs. For some reason, refusing an office party cake is like saying that Hitler was the smartest man alive. So, a handy dandy tool is to call the local time and weather number. Just sit on the line the whole time and say "Yeah, no problem" and "Yes sir" should save you that indignity of standing in the break room and dispensing uncomfortable pleasantries of "So, HOW old are you again?"

5) The office fridge, although essential, can be quite a sticky situation. Some ethnic foods just resemble and give off the smell of year-old foods. I don't like it when my leftover Popeye's has to sit next to somebody's Tupperware that seems to be housing dinner from 1978. I tell you what, you throw out squash goulash once, you ain't gonna hear the end of it.

Guess the show, win a donut...

Posted by Victor on Sunday, May 21, 2006 at 9:34 PM | Permalink