Happy Summer Day! As today is the first official day of summer, I figure we can talk about something that is long gone and will never return to us. So as I walked through a local shopping mall for my brief lunch, I noticed an exorbitant amount of kids and teens running around. As my trusty cane was not nearby, I did not have the chance to give this truants a good wooping. Alas, the truth dawned on me that these kids weren't trouble-making hooligans, but just out enjoying their Summer Break. Yep. Those two words seem wholly foreign now as I didn't even realize that that was accounting for all the increasing frequency of high school girls wearing short-shorts walking around. Or so I've been told. But, in honor of glory days past, let's look at a few of our favorite activities from when Summer Vacation was a reality.

1) VBS - Vacation Bible School
Ah, yes, for those of us whose parents were too cheap to send us to camp, this was a viable option. Having been to 5 of these, I will say that I enjoyed singing "I got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...WHERE?...down in heart!". One of our VBS teachers had two clear glasses of water; one with sugar and the other with salt. I chose the salt one and had a rude surprise. Maybe it was to prove that even though things look alike, inside they are completely different. I dunno, like evil twins or something. I don't recall what was the point of the lesson, but I'm still scarred to this day. I always loved the little prizes they rewarded you for Bible verses learned and etc. My favorite was getting those cool pads that you shaded with a pencil, and then a picture of Daniel fighting off the lions is shown. Much arts and crafts were enjoyed, as I always had fun making those cool brown-sack puppets. Alas, my hand-print lambs always turned out black, and I wonder if it was just a sign of things to come in my life. But hey, in the end, learning about Jesus was always pretty fun.

2) Slip and slide
Well, no mention of summer activities would be complete without the mention of this redneck equivalent of laying down tarp and spraying water on it. I had the "Crocodile Mile" and not your fancy-pants Uncle Moneybags "Slip n' Slide". I was going to talk about some great childhood memories of grass-burns and busted noses, but after a quick Google Image Search for the words slip n slide, I don't feel so child-like anymore. You do a search and see what pops up. Even with a filter on for content, there were several images that would make Tim give a loud "boo-yah!". The best part is that many of the pics are hosted on college websites. Ahhh, nothing like hosting drunken debauchery on an official school website for all to see. Damn kids. Anyways, I recall one slip n' slide mixer during undergrad (which was lame), but I had not realized that it is such a huge college even for kids nowadays. I guess there is something inherently sexual bout sliding down a long, hard, wet and yellow object. Heh. One of our fondest childhood relics has been perverted into some sort of outdoor kegger/wet t-shirt contest. You see, the kids these days with their rap music and their hippin and a hoppin....get off my damn lawn! And take your stupid slip n' slide with ya! Nobody wants to see hot co-eds in bikinis and white t-shirts get wet!!


3) Super-Soakers
Every kid loves waterguns. If you don't, I'd accuse you of being a God-hating Commie. But, during our youth, a new day and age for watergun technology was introduced with the dawning of the Super-Soaker era. Much like the atomic bomb, this gun changed neighborhood warfare, forever. The first model I ever got was this one: Pretty tame.
What amazes me now is the technology that waterguns have advanced towards. I thought that my gun was amazing back in the day. A couple of pumps, and bam, that stupid girl next door was wet. (hmm....kinky....anyways) But, just take a look at these "weapons of mass destruction".

This one has a 70 oz backpack that feeds you a constant stream of water.
SEVENTY. That's like, almost a 6-pack of beer. Wait, that's a fucking brilliant idea! But, you see that hose? Essentially, you're a walking hose. I don't know which would would try to woop that out in a neighborhood watergun battle, but I think the entire hood would group up and just whip his ass for such overkill. I mean, come on, a backup backpack for a water gun fight? If I had this back then, I would have ruled the neighborhood. Sigh.

This is the newest watergun that's coming out soon. The name? Vaporizer. And this is verbatim from the Hasbro website: TOUGH WATER FIGHTS CALL FOR A TOUGH BLASTER Grab this awesome blaster and bring your competitors to their knees. Armed with high-powered, pressurized technology for powerful blasting and an advanced hydrodynamic design for huge water capacity...this air-powered water blaster blasts features a hue 30-ounce water capacity and can hit targets up to 35 feet away! Now that's what the fuck I"m talking about. And, it's got a pump-action handgrip. This is why America is awesome. We want to bring you to your knees. Even if it's in watergun fights.

Bow down...to the VAPORIZER!!!

4)YMCA
From endless basketball matches to learning how to swim, the Y provided it all. Many have had great memories of the pool at the local Y where you started out as a lowly Tadpole and had to work your way up to the Dolphin level. I was never that good at swimming, thus a Guppy I have remained. Man, the Y pool was always filthy. Band-aids. Boogers. Pee. Pubes. Ugh. Although I've never seen a poo yet, I'm almost positive there was some because the big poo-skimmer was always ready to go. But, the Y always did have the hot high-school lifeguards in their blue one-pieces. Still, entering puberty and raging hormones had no place at the Y. Despite all my fond memories of the Y, I still never recalled any sort of food or hospitality that was recalled by the Village People. I may be crossing the line, but I have to say, I'm thinking those Village People may be liars. It's a bold statement, but I don't believe that you can get a good meal or do whatever you feel at the Y. In fact, I tried to listen to my Walkman once, and they confiscated it! I'm starting to think now that joining the Navy might not be a blast, either.

You knew it was coming....


5) The present
Alas, it usually involves sitting in traffic or attending very...verrrry bad baseball games. Sure, the weekends are fun, but other than high temperatures and more tourists, summer ain't no different than spring. Summers for me can be summed up in this picture:

Posted by Victor on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 at 11:48 AM | Permalink