Ah, Atlanta is such a fine town. Not only do I get to deal with crippling smog, traffic up the pooper, and semi-aggressive hobos, I get to relate this "only funny to me" stories. Here goes nothing.

1) There is a Publix located right in Midtown Atlanta. It's one of those unique situations where yuppies and the homeless co-exist. As an aspiring hobo, I've learned that the supermarket is often a hobo's best friend. Other than finding a half-dranken beer, a supermarket is like hitting the lottery. First, the dumpsters are essentially buffets. Then, you got a free car lot with shopping carts as far as the dirty eye can see. Sadly, the fine folks at Publix have put an end to this homeless nirvana. As most stores do, they have locked the dumpsters. Fair enough. Now, they go one step further. Knowing that shopping carts are the lifeblood of the bum, they have installed these fancy auto-lock carts. They have some gadget on the back wheel that will lock the wheels when you roll the carts past a certain distance. Kind of like those invisible fences for dogs. If you take the cart past this line, they shut down!!! Yep, it's like the Club for shopping carts. I think a sign of society's downfall is when you have anti-theft protection for shopping carts. Sadly, I was unable to test out the effectiveness as the parking lot security gave me the "Sir, where are you going?" Curses, foiled again! But, the war on transients is going to a whole new level. I may have to rethink my gameplan on surviving on $5 a day.


2) You would think that old people would steer clear of big city living. Especially at 12 in the AM. Normally, drive-throughs at this time are reserved for semi-drunken folks who have the need for some onion rings, a cheese burrito and a cherry coke with no ice. You don't expect to see Gramma Jenkins with her big-ass Continental. Sadly, old people don't get smarter as the day gets later. At the local McDonald's, it seemed that Granny Smith wanted to try the "new" Sweet Tea. (As a non sequitar, the southern-styled chicken sammich ain't worth your time...just go to Chick-fil-A...unless it's Sunday). So, she drives on through, parks probably two 5-year olds away from the speakerbox. She was loud enough that I could hear her order. But, she was probably closer to my car than to the box. After many exchanges of "Large senior sweet tea" and "Speak English, por favor." She just drove up to the front. Yeah, that's the extent of the story. Point is, old people should not be ordering food at midnight. I don't know how they do things here in the big city, but back where I'm from, our elderly went to sleep at 7:45, and that's the we liked it, dagnabbit!

3) Journey. Without Steve Perry. Sold-Out. Yeah, I don't get it, either. As the day nears, I don't think I can get any tickets at a reasonable non-Steve Perry price! It blows my mind that these big-city folks would shell out $90 to see two bands with drummers that have a total of three arms. And, let me mention again, NO STEVE PERRY! The replacement is Steve Augeri. As you can see in the picture, he's kind of like a Sam's Choice Brand; not as attractive or nicely packaged (heh) as the real deal, but still basically the same thing. Hell, their names even rhyme! I'm not paying $50 to see some cheap knock-off. It's like wanting to experience SEC football and going to an Auburn game. Sure, you'll get a taste of the real deal, but in the end, you end up reeking of mullet and Skoal. But, Foreigner tickets are still available. It's in Peachtree City (which is essentially Bumfuck Egypt) and nobody wants to go. Even when I offered to rent a T-top Camaro and roll down there with some High Life and jean shorts, nobody I know was interested. Maybe I need to hang out with the 40, twice-divorced and working at Payless Shoes folks.

4) Most people are probably familiar with craigslist.com. It's like a community website for your city. You can look for jobs, dates, tickets, etc etc. Almost all major cities have it, even Huntsville! But, alas, there isn't much activity. There's on interesting section under the personals section called "Missed Connections." Here's the gist of it: You see some hottie and are too afraid to talk to her, but you make eye contact. Puss out, go home onto your computer and post (ACTUAL POST) "You were at Eatzi's Sunday night. You were blonde and wearing a pink tank top and skirt. I was dressed down in a white t shirt and khaki shorts with glasses. We caught eyes but you were on your cell phone. If you see this and remember me, write back. " Pretty good stuff for the hopeless romantic/murderous stalker types. I did scope out the pages for Huntsville, Birmingham and Jacksonville. One in Jax said "In the bar during the WC finals. You were cheering for France and rocking some fly playboy gear. Your awesome fist-pumps and European ways make me want to wave the white flag and surrender to you."

5) For no reason...here's Apu. And man, he's living my dream:

"Cuz I'm...HOT-BLOODED, Check it and see! I gotta fever of a hundred and three!"

UPDATE: According to MTV.com (I'll give you one guess why I happened upon the link), "Current Journey singer Steve Augeri has been forced to leave the band's tour with Def Leppard due to a chronic throat infection. Jeff Scott Soto, who has previously performed with Journey guitarist Neal Schon, will take over beginning Friday (7/7/06) in Bristow, Virginia." So, yeah, $80 for the third-stringer Steve Perry. I don't think so.

Posted by Victor on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 9:47 AM | Permalink