Oh buddy. In order to celebrate such a grand number, we're going to get a little blue. This might not be safe for the kids and the virgin eyes of folks, so read on at your own abandon. We're gonna take a little stroll down the origins of some of our favorite sexual terms and how they arose. Heh. This will be a XXX euphemism fest and probably pretty offensive. But, hell, I'm already seen as a racist, so why not add "filthy pervert" to the list. So, let's go.

1) Blowjob - To me, this has always been one of the greatest oxymorons. Like jumbo shrimp, vegetarian hamburger and Auburn Championship, the connotation of blow job boggles the mind. It's been a while, but from what I recall, there really isn't much blowing involved. Unless you are dealing with a chick (or guy...I guess) who has absolutely no concept of sex and what feels good, there should the complete opposite action of blowing. In fact, I would surmise that blowing into said whamdoodle would not feel too good. It's an out-hole, for Pete's sake! *Shudder* Now, someone with more knowledge may claim that it feels good, but I just can't imagine air and pressure being internally directed would feel any better than a douche/enema. Then again, some of y'all out there are fucking disgusting. 'Nuff said. Thus, the question is, where did this term come from? According to wikipedia:

The common slang term blow-job is a misnomer, as blowing is not normally part of fellatio. In fact, blowing air into a partner's penis is an unhealthy practice. It is most commonly thought to be a facetious use of "blow" as the opposite of "suck". It has been suggested to be a corruption of "below-job", allegedly an old Victorian slang term that was commonly used to describe the act. However, there is a third school of thought that believes the word "blow" in "blow-job" indicates the climax of the penis (compare to blowing of a volcano). The phrase "blow-job" originated in the 1940's.

Wow, such eloquence almost makes me feel almost sophisticated. Leave it to the British to give us some ass-backwards slang. Not only can they not drive on the right side of the street, they deprived the English language of the term "suckjob". Oh well. An interesting thought was what this was called in other languages. To save the time, I will supply my own joke for the peanut gallery. I suggest "I'll ask Victor's mom what it is in Chinese after she's done." Oh, and notice that the above t-shirt is for girls, so "nyah" to you feminists out there.

2) 69 - If you really need explanation, well, then you hopefully are a chick because I can't think of any guy who doesn't know what it is. From 6th grade on, any time the number pops up in any situation, I think there's a gene that requires a guy to snicker or cheer. But, for the uninitiated or confused, this is a stinking French term for the process of simultaneous oral stimulation for both partners. They claim it's based on what you look like when in the process, the round parts of 69 being your heads and the long part being your naughty parts. Boy howdy, ain't them Frenchies creative. Even though it's a pretty cool activity, it does mix the concept of "work and play". No more just sitting there and taking it. I tell you what though, a 69 is probably better than his lesser-known cousin 60, which involves eating an entire pizza by yourself in bed. Nudity is optional and frankly not recommended as tomato sauce can scald.3) UFIA - In a term that's been bandied around recently, some may
wonder what this acronym stands for. It is an "unsolicited finger in ass". It's as painful as it sounds. This is also known as a redeye or a Pittman Special. There really is no backstory as the description is pretty obvious. Finger choice is usually up to the UFIAers choice, but most commonly, the thumb is often the professional's choice.

4) Spank the Monkey, Flog the Dolphin, Choke the Chicken, Charm the Snake, et. al. - All these terms relate the favorite pastime activity of boys age 13-83. While some of the terms are based on the image of self-gratification, it always confused me as my frank and beans don't really resemble a monkey or a chicken. I was going to argue that it didn't really look like a dolphin either, but I forgot about the fact that both have blowholes and they both bob up and down when they smell fish. The notion of choking, spanking or flogging doesn't seem to describe what I normally am accustomed to. In fact, both those actions seem to be quite undesirable and preventive of good times. As for charming, well, I'll leave it at that and move on.


5) Playing the Piano Downstairs, Fingerpainting, Drilling for Oil - There's really not much to be said other than "Boo-yah". And don't deny it ladies. It's only natural.

Posted by Victor on Thursday, July 13, 2006 at 6:35 PM | Permalink