Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Vincent: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.
Jules: Then what do they call it?
Vincent: They call it a Royale with cheese.
Jules: A Royale with cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
Vincent: Well, a Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac.
Jules: Le Big-Mac. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Whopper?
Vincent: I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King.

Submitted for your approval, is a quick tour of the various offerings from McD's. Most sound pretty damn tasty.



Massive McMuffin
The name says it all. This meat-tastic sandwich is brought to you by the fine folks at your local New Zealand McD. While really not anything unique or impossible to achieve here in the states, it's still a mighty nice sammich. It makes me wish I woke up early so I can get breakfast. Instead, I enjoy giving myself the least amount of time available before work so I can be very rushed and forget files and etc.




SPAM, Eggs and Rice
I can't say I have a problem with any of the three ingredients. Some things in life are good by themselves and don't need no crazy combinations. It's kind of like acombining Popeyes, baseball and porno all at once (AKA Victor's Saturday nights). Apparently, in that crazy place called Hawaii, the natives are big fans of SPAM. I haven't had SPAM in ages, but I tell you what, you crack open a can and fry them up, that's some good eating.



Chicken Maharaja Mac
In the great land of India, where cows are sacred, there's no such thing as a Big Mac. Luckily for the Indians who enjoy the meats, McD's offers this tasty treat. Nevermind that the chicken may contain the spirits of a relative, it's not cow at least. It's sounds pretty good as it's essentially a Big Mac without cows or the secret sauce. Although, there is some sort of orangish sauce in the picture, which may be chutney-based.

McCurry Pan
We stay in India for this next crazy offering. All I will say is that it looks like somebody threw up in a coffin. The official description is "A rich Béchamel eggless sauce mixed with exotic vegetables like broccoli, baby corn, mushrooms, red capsicum and freshly baked on rectangular spiced bread with a cheese topping." There's about 3 words in that sentence I don't understand, but the gist seems to be "no meat" and therefore, not tasty. Also, don't ask why, but the Injun McD website is in English. Good for them!


Pizza McPuff
This product is found all over the world where a McDonald's lacks a decent local product. They will roll out this oversized Jeno's Pizza Roll, which according to some, is akin to our McRib. Natives will stab each other with sharpened goat bones in order to get the last McPuff. It seems that whoever is the Marketing Director at McD's international seems to think like I do in making names. It's a pretty simple formula: Product McDescription. For example, Chicken McFried. Or Penis McLong. It's nowhere near as smart as my name for Julia, Hippy McStinkerton, but you get the picture. The point remains though that this McPuff looks like McShit.




Beef "Fan"-tastic
From my homeland of China comes this crazy looking burger. First, the name of the burger itself is pretty unique as it is a play on words s "fan" is Chinese for rice. As you can kind of see, the buns are basically two glutinous rice patties. The filling is sliced teriyaki beef with grilled onions and lettuce. Sounds kind of good in a Chinese-kind of way. It's like making a grilled cheese sandwhich with rice cakes instead of toast. It also sounds like something that would be huge in places like Berkeley or Seattle because a) it involves rice, which hippy liberal whites love as it makes them feel "sophisticated" and "worldly" and b) it's un-American.



McAfrika
This one wins the award for worst naming. It definitely breaks the "Product McDescription" formula. First off, this sammich is from Norway. It was an attempt to show that the burger had African spices and ingredients. Like beef. Which, as we all know, is purely African. Of cousre, our fine Norwegian brethren have protested as the irony of naming a fatty and opulent sammich after the poorest and hungriest continent did not sit well with the Olafs and Ulas of Oslo. While critics may claim that the name is "tasteless", believe you me, that burger itself looks absolutely delicious. If offensive burgers are the new rage, maybe McD's can come out with a new Italian-style burger called the Wopper. I'd buy that for a dollar.


Lastly, it is a little known fact that there is another member of the Grimace family. That's right, introducing...

Yep, Grimace apparantly has a bit o' the Irish luck in him. This drunken uncle would appear in national campaigns around St. Paddy's day back in the 70's when McD's had a Shamrock Shake. O'Grimacey was renowned for farting the alphabet and giving squirrels' a stiffy. Just for the hell of it. Sadly, Uncle O'Grimacey's penchant for tea-bagging one-legged hookers and flashing the Fry Guys led to him succumbing to Hepatitis C.