Hetero. Homo. Bi. Trans. A. So many terms to place in front of sexual to describe how you are. It seems thought that them fancy Madison Avenue types want to create MORE prefixes to describe what kind of sexual you may be. Let's take a gander at a few of the more interesting terms. An accompanying picture will help you in this handy-dandy field guide. And worry not, I won't go for the cheap laughs and post pics of friends; that's just unprofessional.

Metrosexual - This stupid description flourished during around 2003-4. With the advent of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, David Beckham and other effeminate male traits, advertisers and pundits decided that there was a new class of men: a heterosexual male who is in touch with his feminine side - he colour coordinates, cares deeply about exfoliation, and has perhaps manscaped. I have no idea what the fuck manscaping involves, but it sounds rather fruity and painful. This term has thankfully died out as most just realized that a metrosexual was essentially a closeted banana-grabber. Of course, I personally feel that I am the essential metro. Oh, and ladies, if you know someone who justifies having more hair-gel and exfoliator than you do due to being metro, I suggest flashing them or rubbing your boobs in their face as a test of the sexuality. Seriously, do it.

Ubersexual - This was coined in the book "The Future of Man". The future of men, proclaim the authors, is "not to be found in the primped and waxed boy who wowed the world with his nuanced knowledge of tweezers and exfoliating creams. Men, at the end of the day, will have to rely on their intellect and their passion, their erudition and professional success, to be acknowledged and idealised in contemporary society." Examples included Bono, George Clooney and John Stewart. Again, this seems nothing like the machinations of the evil liberal media. Where's a good, clean conservative like Bill O'Reilly or that sexy (M)Ann Coulter? Irregardless, words such as intellect, erudite, urbane, classy and success seem to describe a certain somebody....but who?


Machosexual - The newest term to be coined in an article by Best Life. Yeah, I've never heard of this magazine either, but they try hard to create a new buzzword.

"The new macho is the old macho," said Stephen Perrine, editor in chief of Best Life magazine. "It is about being competent and feeling traditional, filling traditional male roles."

he recent demise of Cargo, a men's magazine dedicated solely to shopping, has been hailed as a death knell of the metrosexual trend.

Perrine pinpoints the death of the metrosexual to a moment in last year's hit comedy "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," when Steve Carrell's character has his chest waxed.

When they ripped the chest hair off Steve in 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin,' a whole generation of men said if that's what women want, I'd rather stay a virgin," Perrine said.

The metrosexual is the guy you call about waxing his eyebrows. The macho guy is the one you call to kill the spider. It's about competence, care and being there to value and care for family and children."

The new macho yet sensitive role models are actors such as Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman and Heath Ledger, Perrine said.

Well, Ste-phen Perrine (French, of course), way to go. Men don't like being fancy boys. Shocker. He also pinpoints a Jim Belushi book (ha) and the new ads such as Miller Lite's Man Laws as showing that guys are interested in being "macho". I got news for ya, Frenchy, I don't think most guys ever wanted to manscape or whatever. It was the damn Cosmos and Redbooks that told girls we liked that shit, and it was our hidden desire to shop and play dress-up. All I can say is if Russell Crowe is considered the epitome of a machosexual, count me in. If there's anything I've always wanted to do, it's making movies...making music....and fighting 'round the world!

"These China-men can grow to over five feet tall and in a fight are known to kick with their legs!"

Retrosexual - This "is a person who is a romantic traditionalist -- or, alternately, a modest but distinguished Alpha Male." Those who don't like retros critique them on their undeveloped or underdeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his








Pomosexual - Someone who doesn't want to associate with any sex. Or, as them eggheads up north put it, an "erotic reality beyond the boundaries of gender, separatism, and essentialist notions of sexual orientation." Huh? I think what they mean is that this is kind of a David Bowie-esque androgyny where everybody just fucks in a massive orgy of asexual people...all while high on coke. Let's just move on.



This is the grandaddy of them all:
TRISEXUAL - As defined from Wikipedia:
Trisexual (sometimes trysexual) is a term coined by analogy to bisexual. It is so far not well-defined, but is used variously to refer to:

* someone who is sexually interested in transgender persons in addition to cisgender men and women
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women, and oneself (autosexuality)
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women, and animals (bestiality)
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women and vegetables (lachanophilia)
* someone who will try any sexual experience

Just..wow.....I got nothing to add.... Thank you and good night.

Posted by Victor on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at 1:43 PM | Permalink