SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL!!!
Alright. Just keep calm, folks. I suggest that if you are reading this, please take a seat. Well, who the fuck stands at a computer? Anyways, the point is, take a deep breath.
Bird flu virus found in 2 wild Michigan swans!!!
Yes, that's right. Panic. Horror. Shock. Tears. Now, nevermind the fact that this is the non-deadly strain, the point is that, soon, all of avian friends may be in danger. Namely, the chicken. The beautiful, tasty, chicken. Now, I've already stocked my fridge with a year's supply of frozen Popeye's, but I will provide some handy tips on how to deal with an impending chicken shortage.
Chicken Drought Tips:
1) Kill yourself.
Yeah. I don't know if I can live in a world where my protein source will be in the form of tofu-bird that can't even be deep fried. Last night, as I watched the Braves woop some ass, I accidentally ordered meatless chicken strips. First off, why even say "Meatless Chicken Strips"??? I mean, just call them veggie fingers or whatever. So, after stiffing the delivery boy on tip for taking 45 minutes, I noticed that the "chicken" strips were oddly shapped.
This is the bleak future that we look forward to. A world where chicken fingers, strips, nuggets and chunklets will all be tofu masquerading as chicken. It really does bring a tear to my eye. I've drafted a detailed plan of non-stop chicken hoarding and special "bubbles" for chickens that are germ-free zones. Alas, all will probably be for naught as soon, we will ALL be eating Popeye's Cajun-Styled Tofu. Love that Tofu from Popeye's. Sniff. I'm sorry, I have to stop. This is just too painful. So, for lunch and dinner today, please, have some chicken. Savor it. Cherish it. For it may be your last taste of sweet ecstasy.
Yes, that's right. Panic. Horror. Shock. Tears. Now, nevermind the fact that this is the non-deadly strain, the point is that, soon, all of avian friends may be in danger. Namely, the chicken. The beautiful, tasty, chicken. Now, I've already stocked my fridge with a year's supply of frozen Popeye's, but I will provide some handy tips on how to deal with an impending chicken shortage.
Chicken Drought Tips:
1) Kill yourself.
Yeah. I don't know if I can live in a world where my protein source will be in the form of tofu-bird that can't even be deep fried. Last night, as I watched the Braves woop some ass, I accidentally ordered meatless chicken strips. First off, why even say "Meatless Chicken Strips"??? I mean, just call them veggie fingers or whatever. So, after stiffing the delivery boy on tip for taking 45 minutes, I noticed that the "chicken" strips were oddly shapped.
This is the bleak future that we look forward to. A world where chicken fingers, strips, nuggets and chunklets will all be tofu masquerading as chicken. It really does bring a tear to my eye. I've drafted a detailed plan of non-stop chicken hoarding and special "bubbles" for chickens that are germ-free zones. Alas, all will probably be for naught as soon, we will ALL be eating Popeye's Cajun-Styled Tofu. Love that Tofu from Popeye's. Sniff. I'm sorry, I have to stop. This is just too painful. So, for lunch and dinner today, please, have some chicken. Savor it. Cherish it. For it may be your last taste of sweet ecstasy.
what we need is a bird flu antiseptic that tastes like hot sauce.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:34 PM
I like how the only chicken drought tip is to kill yourself.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:03 PM
Victor,
Every now and then you fear-monger with the best of them (Fox News and the White House). I veiw this as little more than a thinly veiled attempt by you and your consortium of chicken farmers to unnecessarily inflate the cost of yard bird. Shame on you Victor.
However, if this is in fact the end of deep-fried poultry goodness, I'm definitely going to take your advice under serious consideration.
Posted by
Anonymous |
2:56 PM