Several posts ago, some of y'all might recall my little dalliance into the subject of girls standing up to pee. As we learned, there was a newfangled mechanism for such action...the lady-loo as pictured above. Let me first point out that the manufacturers were nice enough to include instructions on how to utilize said lady-loo. Now, I'm not a smart man, but it seems like to me, there's about 3 ways you could use that machine, and since I don't see a one-humped camel in the picture, I can only assume that you can either sit on it facing the wall or in the recommended way. To me, it seems that if you sit facing the wall, it seems a bit erotic for the pee-er. But that's just me. Anywho, it appears that our fine European friends have took to heart in creating "pee"-quality for the sexes. Who else but Europeans are that forward looking? So, presented for your approval, are the next steps in allowing women to experience what it feels like to be able to write your name with your pee. As for those who question my sanity and my research into this pee-technology, all I have to say is that I am always striving to fight for women's rights. I just CARE that much about women and their bodies.


1) She-Pee
No Jason, this is not a tent where you can get "serviced". Although, if Indians were to have his and her gifts, would the proud chief give the newlyweds a set of his-pee and her-pees? (HAHAHAHAHAH....I"m a character). Anywho, ironically enough, the Brits were the ones that came up with this novel idea. Those Brits and their love for peeing. Essentially, it is just a long trough that is walled off so that female patrons at outdoor concerts, pie-eating contests, midget-tosses, etc etc can stand and pee with whatever method they prefer. Now, as you can see in this picture, this new technology still has it's issues. It appears that a couple of the ladies, while jubilant in their peeing, still must keep an eye on the flow. But for Sports-Bra Girl, she's got no issues. And yes, I do think that a nasty fist-pump is appropriate when you stand up to pee. And yes, that is a little girl in the lower left corner who is invariably scarred for the rest of her life.

2) P-Mate
In a declicious play of words, this mate will be with you when you are at the most dire of situations. As you can see, it looks like a "thing you get from Starbucks on your coffee so that it doesn't burn you" type things. I dunno how well it can stand the test of time, so I assume it's a one of those one-pee-and-done situations. In my opinion, this doesn't seem any different than just peeing onto any curved service aimed towards the toilet. I mean, a rolled up magazine would seem to work just as well. Anywho, for those that are interested, here are the very-necessary directions.

3) The Go Bag
The name really says it all. It's a bag that you go in. Simple enough. Or so you think. Just look at this testimony:

Sam Stephenson, from Manchester, is a regular festival-goer and could not praise the Go Bag highly enough. "It was fabulous, it saved our lives, it was brilliant," she says. "It meant we didn't miss any of the football games on the big screen or any bands we wanted to see, as it's a nightmare getting to the loos when it's muddy."

I mean, come on!!! It SAVED LIVES. I'm not discouting the fact that this Ms. Stephenson of Manchester may have avoided catastrophe due to her deadly condition of not being able to wait in line and pee. Now, I know some of y'all spectics are thinking "What the fuck, it basically just peeing into a jug." Au contraire, ma chere. In fact, the Go Bag is a pouch of crystals which turn liquid into a solid gel for easy disposal. I know I've dreamt of the day where my pee can result in a solid gel.


4) The Whiz
Obviously, I've saved the best for last. Nobody beats the Whiz. Nobody. And this sordid mixture of a protective cup and a funnel is king of the pee devices. It's a reusable funnel which fits snugly against the body, meaning the woman can pee standing up, anywhere that a man could. Anywhere that a man could. Think about the possibilities. Now, ladies, you don't have to wait in line. You can pee just like me! Bushes, parking lots, the neighbor's dog, your friend's laundry hamper. All of them are now your domain for pee.


In conclusion, these advancements have made me rethink my stance that humanity is crumbling. I mean, if we can allow for women to pee standing up in more than one way, then what CAN'T we accomplish as a species? I hope that you, too, are as embiggened by these innovations. In fact, I'm feeling so motivated, I think I'll give the next hobo I see $5. Pay it forward, that's what I say. Man, this post really fell about at the end. Oh well, your loss. Sucker.

Posted by Victor on Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 5:44 PM | Permalink