Third Saturday in October
First off, sorry for the delay in posting, those that care, as I have been sick as a dog while still valiantly going to work (and probably carelessly infecting others). But, just in time for this huge game and the Beer Festival in Atlanta, I miraculously am cured. Anywho, let's turn our focus towards the evil and nasty state of Tennessee, home to the hated University of Tennessee. While a repeat of last year's thrilling victory seems faint, we can still bask in good feelings of the fumble last year and how lucky we are not to be from Tennessee. Here are just a few tidbits about why the state sucks. And yes, while I'll admit there are some good things about Tennessee, as a whole, I say "nay" to our northern neighbors.
1) Tennessee = France
Thanks to my fellow Tennessee-hating state prosecutor by the beach, I was informed that Nashville was the first capital to fall to the Union in the Civil War and that Tennessee was the only Confederate state that came entirely under Union control before the war ended. Way to go, Volunteers. Like what President Truman said regarding our European allies in WWII, them volunteers fought so poorly and surrendered so readily. (Bonus points for guessing the source of this quote).
2) Birthplace of the KKK
That's right, kids. The Ku Klux Klan was founded by Nathan Bedford Forrest in Pulaski, Tennessee. Now, not taking anything away from General Forrest's great military career, we can still agree that lynching folks and just being nasty to non-whites is not a good thing. At least, I HOPE we can agree on that. But, I am pretty sure that a few folks out there wouldn't mind putting on some pointy hoods and creating a ruckus for Halloween's sake. But only in the name of fun of course, as they ain't racist, they have that one non-white friend, and that makes it allll good.
As a minority, I am very scared right now just looking at him.3) Final Resting Place of Elvis?
Now, being a Las Vegas boy, I do love me some Elvis. Fat Elvis, that is. Who doesn't enjoy some fat sweaty Elvis "Viva Las Vegas"-ing away in a suit that'd make Liberace blush? I mean, come on, this man single-handedly created the notion of "fat sex symbol". But, it all came crashing down because he HAD to live in some terrible place named Graceland. Located in Tennessee. Booo! He never had any troubles when he was in Vegas, Mississippi or hanging ten in Hawaii. I personally think he's still alive and kicking, but still, if he died on the john as they claim, I'm pretty sure it was something to do with Tennessee water.
Now THAT'S some crooning...The home of the Manhattan Project was located in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Of course, the Manhattan Project was what led us to gaining the power of the nuclear bomb. Now, as a proud Chinaman, I personally have no issues with the bomb as it was used TWICE to nuke the piss out of those stinking Japs. The nuke was also responsible for the birth of Godzilla, who also continues to beat to dogshit out of Japan, so I guess I have to thank Tennessee for that one. But, for the sake of argument, my hippy side says "Man, if it wasn't for Tennessee man, there'd be no war and like no bombs and like everything would be groovy man!" God damn hippies, I feel like I need a shower and a job now.
Just do itBlah blah....global warming....blah blah...manbearpig....You lost in 2000, so get over it. 'Nuff said.
6) Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane
Well, not really HIM, but the actor, James Best. Well, technically, James is from Kentucky. But hell, that's close enough to Tennessee to count! I'll use any gosh-dern excuse I can to bring up a Dukes of Hazzard reference. Wait, let's see if I can use some sheriff Coltrane craftiness to connect him to Tennessee. Let's see.....alright...the fact is that Tennessee sucks so bad that even Momma Best knew not to raise no future acting greats in such a shit-hole of a state!!! Yeah, that's the ticket. That's the kind of trickeration that helped foil the Dukes every episode. Kik-kik-kyah! (or whatever that damn sound is that he makes when he's happy/flustered/excited)
Damn you Duke boys and your country ways...I will say that Tennessee has done some decent things. Like Dolly Parton's boobs. Some decent country music. Dominating the Jags. The jury's still out on whether this one will be a good or bad thing, but we'll see =)
The only "Ten I See" in Tennessee
Two Additions to your litany of TN complaints:
1) Tennessee was the last state to secede from the Union during the Civil War(pussies) and the first state to be readmitted after the war (in recognition of being a state full of pussies that support a cut-and-run philosophy). It should also be noted that Sherman's march to the sea began in Tennessee after the state collectively failed, being populated by pussies, to stop Sherman's forces. (Said failure is attributed to the fact that the entire battle-ready force of the state was administering a much-needed application of Summer's Eve to ameliorate the stench of their unclean twats, coupled with the fact that Jefferson Davis would not allow Nathan Bedford Forrest to leave central Alabama and attack the Union's TN forces when such a request was initially made).
It is also rumored that Phil Fulmor's kin are responsible for not only the state's collective twat stench, but also the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, Hitler's final solution, child molestation, mosquitoes and unsweetened tea.
2) Cumberland University, located in Lebanon, lost a football game to Georgia Tech on October 7, 1916 by a score of 222 to 0. The Georgia Tech coach was George Heisman for whom the Heisman Trophy is named. Cumberland University went on to sell its law-school to a Birmingham, Alabama-based institution. The law school is now proudly known as the only one out of the three third-tier law-schools in Alabama that managed to suck enough cock on the selection committee to warrant accreditation. Never underestimate the resolve of sexually-repressed baptist coeds.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:47 AM
Rembember the Alamo!
(Which, incidentally, had the proponderance of it's force manned by "Tennessee Volunteers" : see Davey Crockett. They then drew a line in the sand that the Mexicans were not to cross. The Mexicans, of course, promptly crossed said line and killed everyone. Rumor has it that Santa Anna put his foot so far up Davey Crockett's ass that the gerbels pushed through his skull and ran off with the coon-skinned hat.
The Tennesseans were also reported to have stolen Pee Wee's bicycle.
Lastly, per Wikipedia, Tennessee cast the clinching vote for the 19th Amendment, giving stupid broads the right to vote, and ruining American Politics forever.
A little known fact: the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee. If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:21 PM
Dude. I hear something dripping. Is that your faucet, or a GLACIER?
-eric
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:48 PM
I have no idea what that previous comment means. But I do enjoy the Tennessee bashing.
Posted by
Victor |
9:06 PM
I, too, am puzzled by that comment. More puzzling is the appearance of my name within it. Well, ok whatever. Here's hoping that Chris Carpenter stops pitching like a douchebag and starts pitching like Cy Young tonight.
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:51 AM