Why You Want Me as a Friend
With the passing of Halloween, I got my share of slasher films, zombie attacks and just all around dumbass teens romping in places they shouldn't be. As I sat through each predictable horror movie cliche, I realized that if the scenarios were to ever play out with me and my friends, y'all are lucky. Presented for your approval are reasons why one would want Victor around in a horror movie.
1) Minority
Minorities in horror movies rarely, if ever, make it. Now, I will admit that there haven't been THAT many Asians in popular horror movies such as Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw, etc etc. Still, non-White folks usually get the shaft (or should I say, the knife). Everybody knows about the stereotype that black folks don't make it in a scary movie. As such, I will provide the corollary that as your Asian buddy, I will probably get hacked or die in some funny Asian way. Like, I can see me getting impaled by two sticks and the villain remarking "Who said chopsticks were hard to use?"
2) Comic Relief
As plain as day, everyone can see the comedic genius inherent in me. In all horror movies, you gotta have that one guy who's pants fall down as they are running away and screaming. The guy who screams like a girl at the sight of the spiderweb, but doesn't notice the looming menace of a machete right behind him. I can provide the witty lines right after someone is killed. And, of course, the chubby comic relief always ends up getting his comeuppance after all his snide comments. Even if I don't die, who doesn't enjoy the sight of an Asian fleeing a monster and screaming? And if I do happen to be turned into a zombie or a vampire and have to be dispatched by being dumped into a large industrial fryer, there can be a funny/sad scene where the dispatcher can remark "Now, that's some good fried chink-en!."
3) Karate
No, I don't know any karate. BUT. As seen in most horror movies, the unlikely nerd/loser/dork turns out to be the one that is crucial in key situations. When the supposed blonde-hair blue-eyed "leader of the pack" succombs to his own ego and arrogance, the unlikely Asian will step to the forefront. When covered in blood and guts, he finally snaps and takes control. All of the sudden, the latent talents of his forefathers will come to light as he kicks, hi-yahs and judo-chops his way to victory over the ghoulish villain. Boy, I'd look pretty kick-ass with some bad-ass shades and a blood-stained shirt.
4) Cigarettes
In EVERY movie, there never seems to be a smoker amongst the group. No matter what the scenario is, somehow, the unlucky hot blond cheerleader will have to set something on fire. Maybe her candle is blown out. Or she has to light a stick of dynamite or burn the villain who is dripping in gasoline. Perhaps she just needs a fire to set of a chain-reaction that will somehow and quite believable lead to her survival. Inevitably, she will have only one match left in the matchbox. If I were around, you'll always have at least 2 lighters handy. And that pack of matches I keep taped to my inner thigh. And that emergency lighter that causes me to waddle like a duck. The point is, with me around, there's no need to fumble around with matches or dying a grisly death because you can't strike a match using a rough surface.
In conclusion, in both dying or surviving, my inclusion in a horror film scenario would be an exciting adventure. Even if we all end up dying from zombies or mutated giraffes, at least we'd have FUN. And if the key to saving the world hinges on the ability to start a small fire in any situation, then just call me King Kang as I will be the hero of the day.
*Disclaimer* - The proceeding rant was brought about by falling asleep while watching Land of the Dead and having some really fucked up/entertaining dreams.
That is ridiculous. Rather than run off, I would think you would be twice as likely to get drunk, and call some snarling beast a "frenchie" or a "commie" Or perhaps you would forsake us all for that last piece of three day old popeye's. Last time I checked getting high and passing out on the lawn was not a real successful strategy, even against the most clumsy of chainsaw weilding maniacs. And maybe your right, maybe you would have a lighter, but you would probably also have that damn pocket Mr. T, so that I could then be told to "quit my jibba-jabba" as the life escaped my body. So, forgive me, but I am going to have to say no thanks, no monster assistance needed, I'll take Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sara Michell Gellar.
Posted by
Anonymous |
9:48 AM
and then the mustard maynaise ketchup.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:51 PM