As the title suggests, here are a couple of instances in the past where I've bawled like a schoolgirl who discovered that Milli Vanilli lip-synched. Obviously, being the beloved girly-man that I am, all the instances of where I've cried during a movie would be too numerous to fill. So, instead, I shall describe two of the most tragic scenes that affected me in my youth. These two iconic 80s movies shaped who and why I am so awesome. Enjoy:

1) The Neverending Story

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Even though this was the case, there was a scene where it still touches me till this day. Sure, sure, everybody LOVES Falcor and only remembers the big flying dog. I say fuck Falcor. So he was a huge cuddly puppy whould fly and talk. Whatever. Who was Atreyu's first and only love? Artax, his trusty horse. Artax kept it simple. He was a horse who galluped, ran and jumped when he had to. Nothing fancy like talking jive and disrespecting Atreyu like that damned Falcor! Anyways, before I get more upset and start thinking about the French, here is the scene of Artax'es demise....

When Atreyu loses Artax in the Swamps of Sadness....sniff....the picture above doesn't do justice how hard Atreyu tried to pull Artax out of the swamp....man...excuse me for a sec...

Alright, well here's the music video for the theme song of the movie. Now, this made me cry in a much different way.



The singer is Limahl, who as we ALL know, was the lead singer for Kajagoogoo. For those unfamiliar with bad 80's bands, Kajagoogoo sang the song "Too Shy", which in my opinion is absolutely terrible. After they fired his ass, he sang the theme for The Neverending Story. At the 2:54 mark in the video, just watch the anguish on Atreyu's face. Aaaaacting! He really fucking loved that horse...and I did, too. Sniff...alright, moving on before I start crying again.


2) Short Circuit 2

I'll admit, I wasn't too stoked about the sequel. Sure, it still had Johnny Five, the sentient robot from the first movie. Sure, he was still spouting his catchphrases like "Johnny Five Alive!" But you know who was missing? That's right...STEVE GUTTENBERG. Having conflicting duties of doing another Police Academy Sequel AND another Three Men and a _______, I guess he felt that Short Circuit 2 was beneath him. Fair enough. Still, not seeing Steve made me sad. But not to tears. The scene where Johnny is disassembled....oh my gosh....I don't...can't...



That's bout all I can handle. This tasteful picture. If you don't remember this scene or unthinkably have never SEEN it, I warn you, if you have ever loved a robot in your life, to not watch the following.



I made the mistake of seeing if it was the real clip, and let me tell you, it is there in all it's graphic-ness-ity. I don't know how one couldn't cry watching this scene as Johnny pleads for mercy. After seeing this scene for the first time in about 13 years, I can now see why one day robots will want to rule us and use us as batteries. And I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

Posted by Victor on Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 12:51 PM | Permalink