Just a quick reminder that today is a good day to wear your bras and knickers out in public, you creepy cross-dressing freaks! I'd go into a spiel about what the history of Halloween is, but in a nutshell, some pagans in England (Druids..etc) celebrated a festival remembering the saints and martyrs of the pagan religions. After Christians took over, the festival was branded as evil as the pagan saints and spirits were seen as evil beings. Thus, this holiday is seen as a day of worshipping evil spirits. And now you know...the rest of the story.

Anywho, enjoy handing out and/or eating candy tonight. For your enjoyment...one of the best Simpsons Halloween clips. Enjoy.

Posted by Victor at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments

Several posts ago, some of y'all might recall my little dalliance into the subject of girls standing up to pee. As we learned, there was a newfangled mechanism for such action...the lady-loo as pictured above. Let me first point out that the manufacturers were nice enough to include instructions on how to utilize said lady-loo. Now, I'm not a smart man, but it seems like to me, there's about 3 ways you could use that machine, and since I don't see a one-humped camel in the picture, I can only assume that you can either sit on it facing the wall or in the recommended way. To me, it seems that if you sit facing the wall, it seems a bit erotic for the pee-er. But that's just me. Anywho, it appears that our fine European friends have took to heart in creating "pee"-quality for the sexes. Who else but Europeans are that forward looking? So, presented for your approval, are the next steps in allowing women to experience what it feels like to be able to write your name with your pee. As for those who question my sanity and my research into this pee-technology, all I have to say is that I am always striving to fight for women's rights. I just CARE that much about women and their bodies.


1) She-Pee
No Jason, this is not a tent where you can get "serviced". Although, if Indians were to have his and her gifts, would the proud chief give the newlyweds a set of his-pee and her-pees? (HAHAHAHAHAH....I"m a character). Anywho, ironically enough, the Brits were the ones that came up with this novel idea. Those Brits and their love for peeing. Essentially, it is just a long trough that is walled off so that female patrons at outdoor concerts, pie-eating contests, midget-tosses, etc etc can stand and pee with whatever method they prefer. Now, as you can see in this picture, this new technology still has it's issues. It appears that a couple of the ladies, while jubilant in their peeing, still must keep an eye on the flow. But for Sports-Bra Girl, she's got no issues. And yes, I do think that a nasty fist-pump is appropriate when you stand up to pee. And yes, that is a little girl in the lower left corner who is invariably scarred for the rest of her life.

2) P-Mate
In a declicious play of words, this mate will be with you when you are at the most dire of situations. As you can see, it looks like a "thing you get from Starbucks on your coffee so that it doesn't burn you" type things. I dunno how well it can stand the test of time, so I assume it's a one of those one-pee-and-done situations. In my opinion, this doesn't seem any different than just peeing onto any curved service aimed towards the toilet. I mean, a rolled up magazine would seem to work just as well. Anywho, for those that are interested, here are the very-necessary directions.

3) The Go Bag
The name really says it all. It's a bag that you go in. Simple enough. Or so you think. Just look at this testimony:

Sam Stephenson, from Manchester, is a regular festival-goer and could not praise the Go Bag highly enough. "It was fabulous, it saved our lives, it was brilliant," she says. "It meant we didn't miss any of the football games on the big screen or any bands we wanted to see, as it's a nightmare getting to the loos when it's muddy."

I mean, come on!!! It SAVED LIVES. I'm not discouting the fact that this Ms. Stephenson of Manchester may have avoided catastrophe due to her deadly condition of not being able to wait in line and pee. Now, I know some of y'all spectics are thinking "What the fuck, it basically just peeing into a jug." Au contraire, ma chere. In fact, the Go Bag is a pouch of crystals which turn liquid into a solid gel for easy disposal. I know I've dreamt of the day where my pee can result in a solid gel.


4) The Whiz
Obviously, I've saved the best for last. Nobody beats the Whiz. Nobody. And this sordid mixture of a protective cup and a funnel is king of the pee devices. It's a reusable funnel which fits snugly against the body, meaning the woman can pee standing up, anywhere that a man could. Anywhere that a man could. Think about the possibilities. Now, ladies, you don't have to wait in line. You can pee just like me! Bushes, parking lots, the neighbor's dog, your friend's laundry hamper. All of them are now your domain for pee.


In conclusion, these advancements have made me rethink my stance that humanity is crumbling. I mean, if we can allow for women to pee standing up in more than one way, then what CAN'T we accomplish as a species? I hope that you, too, are as embiggened by these innovations. In fact, I'm feeling so motivated, I think I'll give the next hobo I see $5. Pay it forward, that's what I say. Man, this post really fell about at the end. Oh well, your loss. Sucker.

Posted by Victor at 5:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

First off, sorry for the delay in posting, those that care, as I have been sick as a dog while still valiantly going to work (and probably carelessly infecting others). But, just in time for this huge game and the Beer Festival in Atlanta, I miraculously am cured. Anywho, let's turn our focus towards the evil and nasty state of Tennessee, home to the hated University of Tennessee. While a repeat of last year's thrilling victory seems faint, we can still bask in good feelings of the fumble last year and how lucky we are not to be from Tennessee. Here are just a few tidbits about why the state sucks. And yes, while I'll admit there are some good things about Tennessee, as a whole, I say "nay" to our northern neighbors.

1) Tennessee = France
Thanks to my fellow Tennessee-hating state prosecutor by the beach, I was informed that Nashville was the first capital to fall to the Union in the Civil War and that Tennessee was the only Confederate state that came entirely under Union control before the war ended. Way to go, Volunteers. Like what President Truman said regarding our European allies in WWII, them volunteers fought so poorly and surrendered so readily. (Bonus points for guessing the source of this quote).





2) Birthplace of the KKK
That's right, kids. The Ku Klux Klan was founded by Nathan Bedford Forrest in Pulaski, Tennessee. Now, not taking anything away from General Forrest's great military career, we can still agree that lynching folks and just being nasty to non-whites is not a good thing. At least, I HOPE we can agree on that. But, I am pretty sure that a few folks out there wouldn't mind putting on some pointy hoods and creating a ruckus for Halloween's sake. But only in the name of fun of course, as they ain't racist, they have that one non-white friend, and that makes it allll good.

3) Final Resting Place of Elvis?
Now, being a Las Vegas boy, I do love me some Elvis. Fat Elvis, that is. Who doesn't enjoy some fat sweaty Elvis "Viva Las Vegas"-ing away in a suit that'd make Liberace blush? I mean, come on, this man single-handedly created the notion of "fat sex symbol". But, it all came crashing down because he HAD to live in some terrible place named Graceland. Located in Tennessee. Booo! He never had any troubles when he was in Vegas, Mississippi or hanging ten in Hawaii. I personally think he's still alive and kicking, but still, if he died on the john as they claim, I'm pretty sure it was something to do with Tennessee water.
4) The Bomb
The home of the Manhattan Project was located in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. Of course, the Manhattan Project was what led us to gaining the power of the nuclear bomb. Now, as a proud Chinaman, I personally have no issues with the bomb as it was used TWICE to nuke the piss out of those stinking Japs. The nuke was also responsible for the birth of Godzilla, who also continues to beat to dogshit out of Japan, so I guess I have to thank Tennessee for that one. But, for the sake of argument, my hippy side says "Man, if it wasn't for Tennessee man, there'd be no war and like no bombs and like everything would be groovy man!" God damn hippies, I feel like I need a shower and a job now.
5) Al Gore
Blah blah....global warming....blah blah...manbearpig....You lost in 2000, so get over it. 'Nuff said.


6) Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane
Well, not really HIM, but the actor, James Best. Well, technically, James is from Kentucky. But hell, that's close enough to Tennessee to count! I'll use any gosh-dern excuse I can to bring up a Dukes of Hazzard reference. Wait, let's see if I can use some sheriff Coltrane craftiness to connect him to Tennessee. Let's see.....alright...the fact is that Tennessee sucks so bad that even Momma Best knew not to raise no future acting greats in such a shit-hole of a state!!! Yeah, that's the ticket. That's the kind of trickeration that helped foil the Dukes every episode. Kik-kik-kyah! (or whatever that damn sound is that he makes when he's happy/flustered/excited)
7) Concessions
I will say that Tennessee has done some decent things. Like Dolly Parton's boobs. Some decent country music. Dominating the Jags. The jury's still out on whether this one will be a good or bad thing, but we'll see =)

Posted by Victor at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Bad luck, evil day, blah blah. Enjoy it while it lasts kids. Nothing happened last time (1-13-06), so I'm excpecting at worst slipping on a banana peel and turning into a Caucasain unexpectedly. And yes, I tried to find the worst, most assinine and unfunny pictures as possible. Har-dee har-har.

Posted by Victor at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but I do prefer the tastes of fried chicken. In fact, you could say that it is my favorite food. So the other day, as I sat at home not watching my Braves play in the playoffs, I saw that tasty commercial for Friday's. The one where they have 3 new appetizers? Well, from what I recall, there was fried green beans and fried mac n' cheese. FRIED MAC'N CHEESE! I never thought such combination of craziness could occur. Thus, I thought, well hell, why not fry everything possible on God's green earth? I am aware that you can pretty much fry any sort of meat, so we'll ignore the fried "crazy meat you wouldn't eat because you are a narrow-minded asshole". Alas, most of my ideas have already been taken. Observe:

1) Fried Fruits
Sure, everyone's heard of frying up a banana, but what about other fruits?

In order, these are fried strawberries, cherries and apples. All of them seem like pretty damn tasty ideas. Those apple fries are actually offered at Legoland in Holland. Crazy Dutch. I did not see any fried citrus, but that's not saying it couldn't happen. As for those of y'all asking, yes, there ARE fried watermelons. There's plenty of recipes out there. Sadly, I've yet to find someone who was so pround of such a gluttonous act as to post a picture of it. I dunno, I could make an off-colored joke about fried watermelon, but I'll leave that to my esteemed friends on the beach.

2) Fried Main Dishes
It's not enough that deep-frying meats are everywhere. Stop at any fast-food joint and you can get fried chicken, fried fish, fried seafood...etc etc. But, some people thought that that wasn't enough. Again, going with the concept that anything breaded and fried is delicious, these men have decided to fry some pizza and hamburger. Now, I've personally tried the fried burger at the Burly Earl in Birmingham. It is fucking amazing. Just a huge 1/2 lb burger dipped in batter and then flash-fried. I may have lost 10 years of my life that day, but it was pretty darn worth it.



So, that's some fried PBJs, fried cheese pizza, fried sausage (NOT A CORNDOG), and a fried hamburger.

3) Fried "Foods that will kill you as it is"
This is the piece de resistance, the big kahuna. What y'all have been waiting for. Fried candy, snacks, fatty foods, etc... I think it speaks great volumes about how awesome America is. That we know we are fat and that it's killing us all slowly, but hell, if we're gonna go down, we might as well go down having fun and eating the most unhealthiest stuff as possible.



Fried Twinkie, Fried Ice Cream and Fried Chocolate Pudding


Fried Cadbury Eggs, Fried Snickers and 3 Musketeers and Fried Oreos


4) Fried Coke


I'm not even going to try to explain it, so here's the plagiarized story:

Mix funnel-cake batter with Coke instead of water. Pour batter into the fryer and cook up a mass of doughy strands. Stuff into a Coca Cola cup, sprinkle with powdered sugar and douse with pure Coke syrup. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry.

Just pure American ingenuity.

Posted by Victor at 9:33 AM | Permalink | Comments

So, after a sad day of being gator-whooped, my mind seems a bit refreshed. Or, refreshed as can be for my mind that works in ways that should not be. Here is just essential a brain diarrhea of all sorts of random thoughts that I've had recently.

1) How much of a "car" must you have in order to drive on the road?
I'm sure this is some legal issue that can be easily determined via a quick glance at a municipal code somewhere. But for the sake of my entertainment, I'm curious as to whether there are any laws that state that you are required to have, say, a door or even windows. As far as I know, the only requirements are that you have wheels, be able to keep at the minimum speed limit, and perhaps brake lights or something similar. I've seen those beachcombers and stuff, so I guess a doors not a requirement. As usual, this random thought was brought upon my often daily ruminations about Robocop. Man, that cyborg totally kicks ass. But, let's just say for the sake of argument, could this picture below be a reality? Well, other than the Robocop part.

2) Random pictures of Popeyes:

Yeah, I'm very confused, too. Seems that Supergirl apparantly had some marketing tie-in with Popeye's? Or maybe she just was hanging out and making a cameo appearance? The scariest part of this picture is that it's like somebody took a picture of one of my dreams. Either way, there's nothing in that picture that doesn't give me a stiffy.

3) Halloween Ideas:

Yes, it is right around the corner and I will do a future post on great ideas for costumes. As for now, I'll be pompous and assume that if you're reading this blog, you are most likely from Alabama and have probaly zero other Asian friends. So, in the extreme case that you just miss having a gook to kick around, why not dress up as one this year!
4) LBJ
I really respect Lyndon Baines Johnson. He reminds my so much of a great friend who's also a proud member of our government. I've noticed that my friend also has some big ol' ears, a penchance for fire water, and they both enjoy talking to others while taking a poop. And, they both have a much more attractive friend who speaks with a bad Bah-sten accent...and err...ehh...wud love a glass er scawtch. As for this picture, a picture speaks a thousand words, and I'm sure you can come up with just a hilarious caption as I can. Either way, boy, is he pissed!

5) In case this law thing doesn't work out, I've found my next get-rich quick scheme:


6) As election season comes down to the wire, we'll check in with Mayor McCheese and his bid to be the leader of McDonaldLand. As we last left them, Mayor Hamburglar's campaign was rocked with allegations of a penchant for the underaged. In a picture taken at a recent fundraiser, sources claim that the Mayor may have been a bit too "robbled"to meet this young supporter. Spin doctors and damage control claim that it really WAS a banana in his pants, but stay tuned for more updates.

Posted by Victor at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments