Yes.....it's that time of the year again. The day gets shorter. The wind a bit brisker. The returning droves of kids to school. And, the return of football. There isn't really a much better time for a sports fan then the months of September til March. Where pennant races and baseball playoffs coincide with pro and college football. Where basketball starts up, and right after we get over the Super Bowl, we get greeted with March Madness. Irrespective of which school (or Auburn) you prefer, this is the time to whip out your shakers and school colors, start drinking at 10 on Saturdays, and just have a dang good time. Nothing beats gameday excitement, and sadly, we'll have to recreate it the best we can away from campus. It's exhilirating to remember how 50,000 fans will simultaneously cheer or yell "DAMN IT BRODIE!". Who can forget the myriad of ways of sneaking in libations to the stadium, and yet always running out by the 3rd quarter. Days of yore where friends would drunkenly reach out for help as they were about to fall down the bleachers and grasp only air. Man, those were the days. Anywho, enjoy the season and ROLL TIDE ROLL!

As Good As It Gets....

Posted by Victor at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

So, for the few of you who still actually use IM (and those who don't, get on the dang boat!), you are quite familiar with the concepts of emoticons. Those nice ways to express your emotions on the great internet, you can substitute certain icons. Nowadays, kids got them fancy moving emoticons and talking ones and all that jazz. But, in MY day...we had to use what our keyboards gave us....letters, punctuations, and our gosh dern imagination! For example:

xxxsexyteen6969xxx: asl? ; )
bigcat927: umm.....
xxxsexyteen6969xxx: cool! i'm 19 and super horny : P
bigcat927: uhhh......
xxxsexyteen6969xxx: see more of my pictures here at this link!!!
bigcat927: =)

Of course, that was a simulated conversation, but in general, the old-school emoticons were variations of the following:

: ) - Happy...agreeable...
: ( - Sad...mad...I've pooped my pants...
; ) - Winking...just kidding...flirty...my eyes are bleeding..
:*( - Sad....crying...I have a hideous mole...
: O - Shock...awe...."O" face....I can't believe it's not butter
: P - Nyah!...whatever....*raspberry*...I have only one tooth left...

And so on and so forth. But, for those who want to take it to the next level and have some "adult situations", here are some useful icons. To make this fun, highlight next to the icon to get the answer. Enjoy! Oh, and yes, these are very immature and reflect poorly on myself. : P

1. IIIIIIIID My ding-a-ling

2. IIID Your ding-a-ling

3. ( * v * ) Boobies!!

4. (i) Where babies come from

5. IIIIIID ----- : * o Oops Sploogensen (in the eye!)

6. | * ' * | Underage....pervert

7. ( * ) The pooper

8. : { ) Free mustache ride

9. : { ( Dirty Sanchez

10. ( * )U( * ) Chili Dawg

Grade yourself!
0-3 - The "internet" is a method of communicating to others via computers.
4-7 - Watch out for the FBI. Pervert.
8-10 - You must be great at typing with one hand.

So kids...the next time you want to creep out a friend or just try to talk dirty to that special someone who's miles away...remember:

I want to put my IIIIID in your (i)

Posted by Victor at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Ok, so explanation time for the delay in posts. A few days ago, we had one of those random summer thunderstorms. Except this one dominated my apartment. Alarms were going off by the minute with thunderstrikes sounding very close. But, due to my immense stupidty, I continued to happily type away at the ole computer. So, lo and behold, a nasty power surge kills my PC. Yeah, I had a surge protector and all the OTHER things connected to it survived, as it should. Thankfully, my Dell decided that it was special and gave a nice BZZZAP sound as it's last goodbye. And, to make matters worse, my neighbors wireless is down, so I was without internet at the homestand. Nonetheless, I'm back baby!

So, let's just drop a couple of random thoughts that have gone through my head.

1) Pluto
Well, sad news today for astronomy fans. Seems that our favorite loveable dog planet has been given the ol' heave-ho. Seems that the Harvard-types who decide how many planets there are felt that Pluto was too small and pathetic to be counted as a true "Classical Planet." I say nuts to that. First off, what are kids to do now? What happens to "My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas"??? I mean, if there's no pizzas involved, then I have to question the designation of being "very excellent." The new mnemonic is not very tasteful "My Very Erotic Mother Just Screwed Uncle Norm". That Norm. What an asshole. And what about Pluto? I don't think he's gonna take the news very well. Observe.


Shock -------------> Sadness------->Anger-------->Drunken Acceptance

2) Two-A-Days
This is that new show about the tough life of being a football player at Hoover High. As the description states "It follows the Hoover High football team as they try for their fourth consecutive state championship title; while balancing school, relationships, and friends at the same time." Man, sounds like a tough life. I'm sure many of y'all have seen the commercials (especially the chick in the green.....tasty). Future story lines include deciding which cheerleader to date, which free scholarship to take, and trying to pass basic math and science courses. Oh, there's no sour grapes here. Getting the red-carpet treatment and yada yada, well they deserve it. Man, nobody ever gave the math team that shit. Well, at least when I was on the team before getting cut (true story). I'm not one to dog on the amount of adulation and praise that athletes get, I love sports. Still, it's a big disenchanting to see that the vile known MTV has penetrated sweet home Alabama. The last thing we need is for the Laguna Beach attitude to destroy our simple country ways. I just wonder how being in a TV show on MTV would have affected me, assuming that anybody would even care to watch a show about some goofy Asian in Alabama. Actually, that sounds like a million-dollar idea.

Yep, they threw a premiere party....and yep,that's the chick in green from the commercial....methinks I should watch the show now?

3) Bologna...Baloney
I dunno which is the acceptable version. I know that it's Oscar Mayer's BOLOGNA on the packages. But the song is song "My BALONEY has a fist name...it's O-S-C-A-R..." So, quite a conundrum. I think Bologna is the stupid Eurotrash way of spelling it, thus I'm gonna go with good ol' 'Merican Baloney. My point is that the other day, I decided to get me a pack of baloney as I haven't had any in a while. I've always enjoyed a good baloney sammich as a kid. Alas, curiosity struck, and I took a gander at the "ingredients":

Mechanically Separated Chicken, Pork, Water, Corn Syrup, Salt, Contains Less Than 2% Of Flavor, Autolyzed Yeast, Sodium Erythorbate (Made From Sugar), Sodium Nitrite, Dextrose, Oleoresin Paprika, Sodium Phosphates, Sugar, Potassium Chloride

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: NACHO CHEESE!!!!

AHHAHHAHAHAHAH....Ok, I'm spent....that joke RULES!

Posted by Victor at 12:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

Alright. Just keep calm, folks. I suggest that if you are reading this, please take a seat. Well, who the fuck stands at a computer? Anyways, the point is, take a deep breath.

Bird flu virus found in 2 wild Michigan swans!!!

Yes, that's right. Panic. Horror. Shock. Tears. Now, nevermind the fact that this is the non-deadly strain, the point is that, soon, all of avian friends may be in danger. Namely, the chicken. The beautiful, tasty, chicken. Now, I've already stocked my fridge with a year's supply of frozen Popeye's, but I will provide some handy tips on how to deal with an impending chicken shortage.

Chicken Drought Tips:
1) Kill yourself.

Yeah. I don't know if I can live in a world where my protein source will be in the form of tofu-bird that can't even be deep fried. Last night, as I watched the Braves woop some ass, I accidentally ordered meatless chicken strips. First off, why even say "Meatless Chicken Strips"??? I mean, just call them veggie fingers or whatever. So, after stiffing the delivery boy on tip for taking 45 minutes, I noticed that the "chicken" strips were oddly shapped.
This is the bleak future that we look forward to. A world where chicken fingers, strips, nuggets and chunklets will all be tofu masquerading as chicken. It really does bring a tear to my eye. I've drafted a detailed plan of non-stop chicken hoarding and special "bubbles" for chickens that are germ-free zones. Alas, all will probably be for naught as soon, we will ALL be eating Popeye's Cajun-Styled Tofu. Love that Tofu from Popeye's. Sniff. I'm sorry, I have to stop. This is just too painful. So, for lunch and dinner today, please, have some chicken. Savor it. Cherish it. For it may be your last taste of sweet ecstasy.

Posted by Victor at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Aha...so with the title, you were presuming that this entry would be filled with dirty, misogynist, sexist discussions about the female body part known as the hoo-hoo dilly. Well, you, my femi-nazi friend, would be quite wrong. Instead, this will be a collection of pictures of cats and kittens that have managed to grab my attention. Of course, pussies have often grabbed my attention, of course, I mean kitten-variety that are cute, hilarious, or just downright absurd. Thus. here are a few pictures of cats that I have found to have created a chuckle, chortle, titter, and an occasional tear. I claim no credit for these pictures as they are all of the creation of others. I would think that this is a disclaimer to NOT SUE ME. But whatever, if the owner of a picture of a cute kitten wants to sue me for damages from copyright issues, I say "Bring it". You can garnish my meager wages and take my collection of Simpsons toys and Popeye's coupons. Hell, not only are they unoriginal, the posting is also uncreative as many may be quite aware of such pictures, and I am just desperate for ideas. Anywho, as I say in many of my unrealistic dreams, "Let's bring on some pussy!!!" (Editor's note: In honesty, there will be probably only a couple of kitten pictures, the others will just be random stuff that I have found quite amusing. And for some reason they all deal with masturbation. Take that for what you will.)

That alone is quite scary. Those cats, they are dirty peeping toms.

Don't ask why, but there's quite an internet fad dedicated to cats and masturbation. Of course, this rule only applies to men who do the dirty deed.




Please, we need more puppies in this world.

This really has nothing to do with cats or dogs or masturbation, but, come on, that old Chinese fellow is getting the ride of his life! I don' t know if these are the perks you get for being old in China, but man, I guess Commie China's got it tough. Whatever happened to a good ole rickshaw!

Posted by Victor at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Comments

Or Nancy Drew. Or the Hardy Boys. I need all of y'all's help because I got me a true noodle scratcher. For many who read this garbage called a "blog", you have had the misfortune of visiting my humble apartment. A small, cramped apartment with really nothing of interest. Well, last Friday, after a night out at Loca Luna's, I came home. The mystery starts here. I've been taking to turning my alarm on as there's no need for burglars to break in and steal my booze. So, my door has one of these doo-hickeys on the back.


The point of those things is that you can flip it when you are inside and it prevents the door from being opened or whatever. The point is that you can't get in from outside even if you have the key. So, as I came home, I opened the door and *bam*. Door is jammed by that thing! As I panic, I realize that my alarm is going off, so luckily my small Chinese hards were small enough to slip in and disarm the alarm. So, that's one thing done. Now, the question was how I was supposed to get in the apartment. First off, I was pretty concerned because that the only feasible way that the door was locked that way was if someone was inside. But, that wouldn't make MUCH sense as they would have had to know how to disarm my alarm. So, I realized that I probably didn't lock my porch door, which I hadn't. I climbed onto my porch, came in, and reached for my 5-iron. After checking all 2 rooms in my apartment, I sat down and pondered some more. So, for the smart detective-type kids out there, here's my query to you:

Facts:
1) My alarm was set and nobody knows my password (I think).
2) No windows or doors were open or breached.
3) If someone were to have pulled a prank (who the fuck would?) they would have had to get into my apartment, disable the alarm, flip the lock, and then go out the side door, while also re-arming the alarm system. Not feasible.
4) Nothing was taken.
5) I don't have pets or strong gale force winds in my apartment that could have flipped the lock while I was gone.
6) I had a scotch and a beer that night. I was NOT drunk or even close to buzzing or under any other influences.

Theories:
1) The only possible theory I have is that a combination of slamming my door and the woosh of air entering the apartment as I closed the door somehow blew the lock slightly in place of locking. I don't know if that makes much sense, but I tested it a few times as I tried to slam the door in a variet of ways to see if it would catch. No luck.
2) The boogie man is out to get me as my place is hainted.
3) A million to one shot occurrences.
4) The FBI/CIA broke in to bug my apartment. Now, that's pretty creepy, but I haven't done anything even remotely close to deserving any federal attention. Well, I do have an underground collection of illegal animals and I have torn the tag off my mattress. This is pretty fertile ground for theories as you all know, paranoia and conspiracies are my cup of tea. Remember, I LOVE AMERICA and I am a good Republican.

So, sleuth away with any reasonable (or unreasonable) answers. I'm just gonna sit in my tin-foil hat and try to think only about bunnies and George W. Bush.

They're watching me!!!

Posted by Victor at 4:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hetero. Homo. Bi. Trans. A. So many terms to place in front of sexual to describe how you are. It seems thought that them fancy Madison Avenue types want to create MORE prefixes to describe what kind of sexual you may be. Let's take a gander at a few of the more interesting terms. An accompanying picture will help you in this handy-dandy field guide. And worry not, I won't go for the cheap laughs and post pics of friends; that's just unprofessional.

Metrosexual - This stupid description flourished during around 2003-4. With the advent of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, David Beckham and other effeminate male traits, advertisers and pundits decided that there was a new class of men: a heterosexual male who is in touch with his feminine side - he colour coordinates, cares deeply about exfoliation, and has perhaps manscaped. I have no idea what the fuck manscaping involves, but it sounds rather fruity and painful. This term has thankfully died out as most just realized that a metrosexual was essentially a closeted banana-grabber. Of course, I personally feel that I am the essential metro. Oh, and ladies, if you know someone who justifies having more hair-gel and exfoliator than you do due to being metro, I suggest flashing them or rubbing your boobs in their face as a test of the sexuality. Seriously, do it.

Suave...sophisticated...the total package

"The new macho is the old macho," said Stephen Perrine, editor in chief of Best Life magazine. "It is about being competent and feeling traditional, filling traditional male roles."

he recent demise of Cargo, a men's magazine dedicated solely to shopping, has been hailed as a death knell of the metrosexual trend.

Perrine pinpoints the death of the metrosexual to a moment in last year's hit comedy "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," when Steve Carrell's character has his chest waxed.

When they ripped the chest hair off Steve in 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin,' a whole generation of men said if that's what women want, I'd rather stay a virgin," Perrine said.

The metrosexual is the guy you call about waxing his eyebrows. The macho guy is the one you call to kill the spider. It's about competence, care and being there to value and care for family and children."

The new macho yet sensitive role models are actors such as Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman and Heath Ledger, Perrine said.

Pomosexual - Someone who doesn't want to associate with any sex. Or, as them eggheads up north put it, an "erotic reality beyond the boundaries of gender, separatism, and essentialist notions of sexual orientation." Huh? I think what they mean is that this is kind of a David Bowie-esque androgyny where everybody just fucks in a massive orgy of asexual people...all while high on coke. Let's just move on.



This is the grandaddy of them all:
TRISEXUAL - As defined from Wikipedia:
Trisexual (sometimes trysexual) is a term coined by analogy to bisexual. It is so far not well-defined, but is used variously to refer to:

* someone who is sexually interested in transgender persons in addition to cisgender men and women
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women, and oneself (autosexuality)
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women, and animals (bestiality)
* someone who is sexually interested in men, women and vegetables (lachanophilia)
* someone who will try any sexual experience

Just..wow.....I got nothing to add.... Thank you and good night.

Posted by Victor at 1:43 PM | Permalink | Comments