As I've spent the past week glued to the message boards for any inkling of information regarding who Bama's new football coach will be (no houndstooth sombreros or visors in my mind), I have let the laundry and stuff pile up. Thus, while cleansing out the closet early Saturday prior to a weekend of football, I stumbled across a "nostalgia box". My box from home included my yearbooks, prom pictures and other mementos of days gone past. I also found a journal that I kept for a class assignment back in the 4th grade (1990). I guess you could say that it was a precursor to my oh-so-popular blog. But, reading through random thoughts, I found a cute little "Christmas Wish List". Luckily, I was still fairly self-absorbed and didn't care for others, so there wasn't stuff like "world peace" or "end starvation." Instead, it was still youthful enough to be all sorts of toys, clothes and etc. Observe.
1) Simpsons Sing the Blues
It makes me old to think about this one. Sure, the Simpsons are still on TV, but it's been so many years since this album came out. And when they came out, CDs were still in those huge rectangular and superfluous boxes. But, this was supposed to be my first CD in my collection. The classic from this one included "Do the Bartman" and "Deep, Deep Trouble" featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff. Poor Jazzy, left behind in the shadows of the immortal of "Smell ya later!". Anywho, this album was first played in our Art Class, and I recall that our teacher had to pause the part where Bart said "damn". Yeesh. Anywho, I did not get this for Christmas in the end. Instead, for my first ever CD, I got this:
It was apparently a hot seller and, knowing nothing about popular music, my dad just grabbed whatever was ranked high at the local record shop. Sigh. I'd like to think that this first CD didn't affect my psychologically somehow. Although that "Hold On" song is pretty fucking awesome. Hmm, perhaps that might explain my horrible taste in music and an unhealthy affinity for girly-pop. Moving on.
2) Trapper Keeper
In my mind, this was essentially the status symbol of elementary school. It was like the car you drove. I mean, sleek exterior, plastic mesh pockets, various pencil holders...you can't ask for more! It was the perfect way for a nerd to keep stylish AND organized. I finally did get a Trapper Keeper that year, but sadly, no cool folders with sports cars and jets. The parents, they just don't understand that those folders made you who you were at Weatherly Elementary. Chicks didn't dig regular plain single-color folders. Sure, plain folders combined with a sweet Trapper Keeper could get you Average Angela. But to get to the big times, you gotta have a sweet Corvette folder and maybe a couple of scratch-n-sniff stickers. And by big time, I mean the chicks who were rocking the training bras. And on that note...
3) Hypercolor
The biggest thing to hit our school were training bras and Hypercolor. These shirts kind of went hand-in-hand with basic schoolkid debauchery. People would be blowing and rubbing and stroking to get each other's shirts to change from orangish-red to red. The necessary contact for color to change, raging hormones and budding bosoms ... it was madness. And I wanted in. Sadly, all that "debauchery" led to the same results as real debauchery: disease. All that rubbing and blowing to change colors led to quite a bit off germ-swapping. On my first time wearing the hypercolor, not only was I a bit late on the trend, but it seemed to be a pretty good bullseye for bullies. It seems that being slapped really hard can also change the colors. Or so they said. Oh, and yes, I purposely chose a picture of a hottie wearing Hypercolor. All I can say is that my handprints wouldn't be that low. Heh.
4) Snap Bracelet AND Watch
Snap bracelets are awesome. NO doubt about it. But, you add on the watch, and you were the king of the castle. Sadly, nobody else thought that. When I did get one, I even set my watch to be precisely on time with the bell. Nobody really gave a shit. Such is my life story.
5) Powerglove
I fell for the commercials...hook, line and sinker. You could say that this was like the Wii of the 1980s. With 1980s technology. Which translates to "utter crap". Thank God that my parents knew enough about video games to realize that this product would be worthless and unplayable. Who would have thunk it that wearing a unwieldy and sweaty glove would not be the best for video games. Speaking of sweaty gloves, do you remember how the main antagonist in "Of Mice and Men" wore a glove with lotion in it so he kept it "soft" for his wife? Or did he keep it soft for himself. Man, I need to reread that book.
6) Duck Head T-Shirt
My fledgling sense of fashion slowly crept in during my last years of high school. As my budding interest in white chicks grew, I figured that it was just like hunting, you gotta get some camouflage on. What better way to look like Johnson P. Whitebread than by wearing some Duck Head t-shirts! And man, you got some MAJOR play if you rocked a neon yellow Duck Head shirt. Sadly, this was just another one of my many attempts to fit in.
7) Technodrome
Still, in the end, I was a kid. And nothing gave a boy a prepubescent chubby than huge playsets. Be it the legendary General Flagg aircraft carrier for G.I. Joes or the huge Metroplex (Transformer City), big playsets were the shit. I already had bought a Turtle Wagon from the money I got raking leaves. What better way to have an epic Ninja Turtle battle then to have the Technodrome. Hell, I had Krang, and he needed something more than old Kleenex box as his base. I mean, LOOK HOW HAPPY THAT KID IS!!! That could have been me!!! If only I had a suitable arena for Raphael to stick a sai up Shredder's ass and then have weird turtle sex with April, then I might be a different man today. But no, my parents had to screw me over and get me this instead...
8) Reebok Pumps
Fine. Fair enough. I did ask my parents like crazy to get these shows. I think this was in my "black phase", if there ever was one. Kriss Kross rocked my world. MJ and his amazing dunks were awesome. Rap wasn't as scary as it is now with pimpin', ridin' dirty, and white guys telling to live for the moment. I figured that these Pumps would rock out. My dad got me a pair, and man, I wore that thing like MAYBE 10 times. The image of a short, chubby Asian with glasses and Pumps ....yeah ....sniff...props was definitely not what I was getting. In the long wrong, I think I would have definitely enjoyed the Technodrome much, much more.
All in all, that was a pretty decent Christmas. In case any of you rich lawyer-types feel like giving me something, I'm partial to some black-label Johnny Walker. And Popeye's.
When Atreyu loses Artax in the Swamps of Sadness....sniff....the picture above doesn't do justice how hard Atreyu tried to pull Artax out of the swamp....man...excuse me for a sec...
