Whew...what a week. Pardon my absence, but as most know, I've been swept up in this crazy dance fever. Saturday was probably one of the greatest days of basketball in the history of March Madness. All close games...and all not going with what I picked. Alas, my bracket chose to stop believing...and it really didn't hold on to any feelings at all. So, without any further ado, let's look at more Journey gear that whips some ass.

1) Journey VCR Tape
Well, it's nothing special. Duh, Journey has tapes of it's concerts. What struck me about this item was the setting and ambiance around the tape itself. Using some colorful sugar jars...classic. This totally smells of a 40 year old housewife who, unbeknowst to the hubby, used to be a nasty Journey groupie. Who know lives a lie as a she strains to break through her seemingly innocent facade of a suburban housewife and be what she truly is....a hardened 80's groupie. Either that, or some crazed militiaman who's living in a log cabin. And his only two earthly pleasure are Journey...and sugar. Seriously, where the fuck was this picture taken??

2) Journey Coasters

Now THIS is badass. I actually put a bid into this, but lost at $53.00 to Sherry89949 from Amherst, Mass. These are coasters that are in the shapes of all of Journey's albums. I don't care who are, that screams awesomeness. And, it's probably a kickass chick magnet and a handy ice breaker....if you bring it to parties with you.....sigh. Another one of my great plans foiled by reasonableness and common sense. Well, it's still awesome and I would have loved to have won the bid. I mean, when I'm at home rocking out to Journey and sipping on some scotch, I can place the glass on the appropriate album (probably Escape). Very zen.

3) Journey concert poster

Pure beauty. The Outfield is pretty awesome, too. For those unfamiliar, they sang the great opus "Your Love". Or as it's more popularly known as "I don't wanna lose your love..toniiiiight." But anywho, those are 3 beautiful men with great, flowy and fluffy-puffy hair. I'm assuming Steve Perry is the one in the middle. I'm not exactly sure. That's usually not a good sign for the artist. If you wanna analyze it like the cover of Beatles albums, I guess you could say that they are Three Wise Men, and maybe the airplane flying is like the Star of Bethlemhem. Or maybe it's an omen that they shouldn't fly. Imagine if their plane went down like Lynyrd and the dude who sang La Bamba......sniff

4)Journey Song Book

There's really nothing needed to say other than the title: Don't Stop Believin': The Steve Perry Anthology - 18 Classics from the Former Lead Vocalist of Journey (1978-1987). Boo. Yah.

5) Journey Neon Bar Light


Again, another item that I would totally rock out in my pad if I could afford it. That would look perfect next to my Miller High Life barrel and my Papst painting. IF I could only grow a mullet and trade in my car for a t-top Trans Am, I'd be totally set to dominate any small country town south of the Mason-Dixon.

6) Journey Bumper Sticker
Let that tail-gater know the real reason why you're driving 35 in the left lane. You don't want to be here. If only you could tell them where you'd rather be.

7) Journey Ticket Stubs

Sigh. I guess this would be awesome for 2 reasons. 1) You were actually at that concert and for some reason that totally escapes me, you must prove that you were really there. 2) To try to pick up chicks. As in when you buy them a drink/dinner/hairspray, casually open up the wallet and let those babies "fall" out. Viola. Knock some boots to the strains of "Faithfully."

Now as a disclaimer, you most definitely need to either take your socks off...or be ready to lose them as these final two items will be the shiz-nit. Hell, they might even knock your pants off....or a skirt...or tight black dress-pants that chicks shouldn't wear around in the office when I'm trying to concentrate. Ooops....TMI


8) Journey Video Game

You read that right, son. How many other bands can claim that they have had their own video game? Available for the Atari AND Sears' Tele-Games Video Arcade. Did Elvis have a game? Did the Beatles? Did Michael Jackson? Oh wait...scratch that. But, irregardless, the list goes on about bands/singers withOUT their own fucking game. But, just to give a taste of it....this is Steve Perry in the game:


The point of the game is almost..well...it's like Frogger. And instead of trucks, cars and etc, you are avoiding crazy (aka fatties) groupies, sleazy agents and general ill-wishers. The goal? Reach the Scarab-mobile as seen in the above-referenced neon bar sign. Please...PLEASE click this link and watch the commercial...with sound.

http://www.journey-tribute.com/journey/resources/multimedia/atari.rm

Can't get enough? Me neither. Go HERE and check out more. They even give you instructions on how to download and play the game. Be still, my beating heart. Because...there's more.


9) Journey Arcade Game

Come the FUCK on. There's no doubt now that Journey has got to be the greatest band ever. I can only think of the Moonwalker himself who's had a home AND arcade game. Wait, do the Ninja Turtles count? They did do the Ninja Rap with Vanilla Ice. Anyways, there's really not much more I can say about how awesome Journey is, so I'll leave you to bask in their awesomeness with the full ad that was sent out to arcade owners world wide. Click on them for a gander and a good read. Enjoy, and don't stop believin'.

Posted by Victor at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments

1) Steve Perry Earrings

This will come in handy when Steve runs for President in '12. The myriad possibilities of using "Don't Stop Believing" in his ads, taglines and even debates is just hilariously awesome.


3) Journey Necklace
Wait, there's more! Compliment your earrings and pin with this snazzy necklace! Made from the guitar pick of Journey's oldest member, Neal Schon. But he's no Steve Perry. I guess the most logical object to make a necklace out of would be a guitar pick. I'll be impressed when it's a necklace with a lock of Steve Perry's hair on it. Or a vial of his man-juice. *Shudders*

4) Steve Perry Dogtag
I'm at a loss of words for the sheer spectacularity of this. Expert craftmanship. Attention to details. I mean, if you're in the trenches and under fire, who else would you rather have hanging around your neck and close to your heart?

5)Journey Sleeveless T-Shirt
Pretty standard and tame. I was just very disturbed by the androgynous person wearing said shirt In what appears to be Confederate flag wallpaper. Moving on...


6) Journey Rhinestone Studded Shirt


For when you have a wedding or some other fancy event to attend, why don't you put on the good shirt with them diamonds on them??? From the actual eBay auction page:

Swarovksi t-shirt Top Shirt
*NEW*
Medium
The pictures do not do the crystals justice.
They are high quality stones imported from Austria.

Don't believe them???? Well here's a close-up.

I really can't look at this without laughing. Based on the auction site, it's a baby shirt for those kids who want to start out early in their love of Journey. All I can say is that I can totally picture the Kang family portrait where we are all sporting the above-described gear. And yes, I would TOTALLY shell out the big bucks so my woman can have diamonds from Austria that spell out Journey. Ladies....no pushing and shoving....you know where to find me....

8) Steve Perry Cigarette Case



Now this one is something that I would actually consider buying. Never mind the fact that my earlier attempts of using a cigarette case to attract the wimmenfolk didn't work too well.

Me: Cigarette, madam?
Chick: Sure....
Me: (clumsily trys to snap open cig. case....all cigs fall out and onto the bar floor)
Chick:.....
Me: Well, I don't think THIS one fell in anything wet.
Chick: Fuck off...

But, with Steve Perry as a wingman, I don't see how I could fail. Even IF I am a clumsy asshole:

Me: Cigarette?
Chick: Thanks.
Me: (whips out the Steve Perry cig holder)
Chick: WOW!....LET'S FUCK!
Me: Naw, babe....

Posted by Victor at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Normally, I try not to get too serious and etc on this blog. It's s'posed to be teh funny. But, once in a well, my proverbial goat is gotten. Got a forward from a "friend" with these articles attached. I'm not sure if it was more so for my entertainment or more so a "watch yer back...you sell-out piece of shit." I'm ashamed that this Azn Power thing actually is slowly catching on in big cities on the coasts. First off, I'm not saying that us Asian-American types should just roll over and be walking stereotypes. But, then again, I stick with the mantra that if you can't laugh at yourself, then you can't laugh at anything. In my mind, me doing something stereotypical such as speaking in a bad Chinese accent is really no different than some white guy putting on a thick southern accent or perhaps one of y'all I-talian types giving it a big "mama-mia...that's a spicy meat-a-ball!" Lighten up, folks. Anywho, a little background info on the source of the articles. They are from "asianweek.com", which is an Asian newspaper billed as the "voice of Asian-Americans" printed out west (big surprise). The author, Kenneth Eng, is an early 20's writer from...surprise...New York University. All I can say is that if saying y'all, loving some 'Bama football and white wimmens...and laughing at Data and Ducky is wrong...then I don't wanna be right. Rant over.

Why I Hate Asians


Kenneth Eng, Jan 12, 2007

It seems like an odd title for an article written by an Asian Supremacist, but there are very good reasons why I hate many of my own kind.

The first thing I hate about Asians in America is how so many of them want to suck up to whites. I have had fistfights and verbal altercations with many who discriminated against me and my people. Sadly, however, the Asians who witness or hear about these battles often hate me for being "hypocritical," and tell me that "two wrongs don’t make a right." Do these sycophants think it’s "cool" to mindlessly side with whites and blacks? Is it not enough that we have to fight against discrimination? Now we have to fight amongst ourselves as well?

The second thing I hate about Asians is how little pride most of them have. This may be the result of societal brainwashing, but whatever the cause, it must stop. I am repulsed when I see Asian guys speak with British accents in an attempt to sound sophisticated. British people can’t be all that sophisticated if they don’t yet understand the concept of dental hygiene. I am also sickened when I hear Asian people imitate Negro slang in an endeavor to sound "ghetto." Am I supposed to be impressed that such a person emulates the attitude of a supposed slum resident? More importantly, whatever happened to being yourself?

The third thing I hate about Asians is how apathetic many of them are in terms of honor these days. If I saw an Asian being stereotyped in a movie theater, I would immediately stand up and shout incessantly at the screen so that none of the white audience members could enjoy the film. When I saw a white man yelling at an old Asian woman a few months ago, I walked up to him and hollered slurs right back in his Aryan face. But most other Asians, I am disappointed to say, would rather just chuckle at their own stereotypes on screen and ignore the problems of their brethren. At the risk of sounding corny, whatever happened to the days of the samurai? When honor meant more than life? Whatever happened to the age of Sun Tzu when we used to kick ass?

Don’t get me wrong. I love the Asian race, but every race has its inferiors.

Proof That Whites Inherently Hate Us
Kenneth Eng, Nov 24, 2006

White people hate us and will always hate us. Here is a simple list of evidence, going from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

1. How many American films feature Asian heroes who are not stereotyped?
2. If someone makes a negative comment about a black person, all of the whites get hopping mad. Make a negative comment about the Asian race and nobody cares.
3. Most Asians know that everywhere we go, white/black/Hispanic people hurl racist remarks at us. I have already received about 10 racist remarks in the past three months and I have only been out of my home a handful of times.
4. In 1982, Vincent Chin was killed by two white people, Michael Nitz and Ronald Ebens. Both murderers went free, as the judge claimed that they were not the type of people who deserved to be in prison.
5. Chai Vang righteously killed six white people after they approached him with guns first. Unlike the “men” who murdered Vincent Chin, brave Mr. Vang was sentenced to life.
6. Asian civil rights activities receive virtually no media attention. Yet Rosa Parks was pretty much honored as a hero just because she refused to give up her seat. This is curious because Vincent Chin died to defend his race. Why hasn’t he been given an award?It is quite naïve to think that all of this can be explained by claiming that whites are not “enlightened” or that whites lack awareness of our issues. It is even more immature to think that things will get better if only we continue to protest peacefully through lame marches and letters to the producers of (insert any American TV show here). Animals, through evolution, are intrinsically developed to detest organisms that are different; the obvious reason being that conformity to a certain level increases the chances of a species’ survival. Since humans are part of the animal kingdom, it should be no surprise that whites have evolved to hate Asians, who have a strikingly different appearance than them.

Furthermore, we do live in an age where “political correctness” and anti-racism are in vogue. Why then, are there virtually no Asian heroes in the media? This is solid proof that we are enemies in the eyes of the Aryans. If even in an epoch where equality is an important matter they still do not treat us as equals, then what hope is there that they will ever treat us equally?

More importantly, why should we care? We vastly outnumber them. When you have a disobedient child, you do not give him gifts to make him abide to your will. You show him the cane.

And here's the kicker...this is the one that's got San Francisco all in a tizzy.

Why I Hate Blacks

Kenneth Eng, Feb 23, 2007

Here is a list of reasons why we should discriminate against blacks, starting from the most obvious down to the least obvious:

• Blacks hate us. Every Asian who has ever come across them knows that they take almost every opportunity to hurl racist remarks at us.

In my experience, I would say about 90 percent of blacks I have met, regardless of age or environment, poke fun at the very sight of an Asian. Furthermore, their activity in the media proves their hatred: Rush Hour, Exit Wounds, Hot 97, etc.

• Contrary to media depictions, I would argue that blacks are weak-willed. They are the only race that has been enslaved for 300 years. It's unbelievable that it took them that long to fight back.

On the other hand, we slaughtered the Russians in the Japanese-Russo War.

• Blacks are easy to coerce. This is proven by the fact that so many of them, including Reverend Al Sharpton, tend to be Christians.

Yet, at the same time, they spend much of their time whining about how much they hate "the whites that oppressed them."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Christianity the religion that the whites forced upon them?

• Blacks don't get it. I know it's a blunt and crass comment, but it's true. When I was in high school, I recall a class debate in which one half of the class was chosen to defend black slavery and the other half was chosen to defend liberation.

Disturbingly, blacks on the prior side viciously defended slavery as well as Christianity. They say if you don't study history, you're condemned to repeat it.

In high school, I only remember one black student ever attending any of my honors and AP courses. And that student was caught cheating.

It is rather troubling that they are treated as heroes, but then again, whites will do anything to defend them.

Posted by Victor at 8:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

First off, no, this is not a post railing against the travesty that is Van Hagar. I don't care if you make tasty, tasty tequila Sammy, you stink as the lead singer of Van Halen. Way to go in ruining another attempt at reuniting. Boooo Sammy! Anyways, before I go off on a rant, this post is about the sweet nothings that the Sandman whispers into your mind as you sleep. Or sometimes, when you're in a conference cal or eating a chicken dinner. Often, dreams are just a random assortment of whatever happens to be on your mind. Which, in the case of males...sex. But, on those rare nights where dreams aren't filthy and confusingly juvenile, we get some awesomeness. Dreams like where I walked in on a tryout and became a standout cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens. That dream was probably because I was playing Madden 06 all night and doing those stupid cornerback drills. Or like that time I dreamt that I was stuck in a building during a Godzilla attack. I forget how I got away, but irregardless, I was one of those scared Asians running in the streets and screaming. Other awesome dreams can include ones where you are just hanging out with the most random of people. Like the time I was driving to go to somewhere and in the car was Avril Lavigne and my best friend from UAB. And we got in a wreck b/c I drove off a bridge. Again, armchair psychologists could have a field day with dreams. But, one of the things that rules is when you see things in real life that you would have NEVER been able to dream about. In this case, I present the following evidence of why dreams, in the end, pale in comparison to the world as we know it.

Exhibit A:


So, I enjoy Star Wars. I think Princess Leia is pretty hot. And, obviously, Chewie kicked major ass, even if it was gay that he hung out with Yoda in the trash known as Star Wars Episodes I, II and III. I also love baseball. Yet, never in my most influenced stages have I ever thought about the possibility of taking a pitch from Chewie. Or that Chewie would be a southpaw? Or that Princess Leia would be somehow cheering him on? Madness! This picture shows why you should not use drugs when you are thinking of a promotion. I'm not sure how many kids that day were traumatized by a site of Wookie hurling a baseball. But, from all reports, Chewie did throw a wicked curveball for a strike. He'll probably be the first pitcher taken in my fantasy draft.


Exhibit B:

For the unaware or uninitiated, Journey is the best band in the world with Steve Perry. Without Steve Perry's magical lock of hair and the gift from God known as his voice, this world would be one of pain, misery and desolation. Anywho, it's been scientifically proven that if you listen to "Don't Stop Believing", your sperm count will increase...and if you're a female, it relieves cramping. But, the song also will rock thy socks off. But, what happens if you were to combine it with a shitty QB who gets way too much credit and a man responsible for teaching me all that I know about discipline? Well, let's try some math. Heck, I'm Chinese, so trust me with my math skills.....

+ X
=


That's right. Awesomeness. Don't believe me? Well watch for yourself...and tell me that you are not blown away. It's a bit slow at the beginning, but just wait. And if you aren't pumping at least ONE of your body parts, then you, my friend, may have class and taste....but you have no heart....



My final verdict:
Dreams and Van Hagar are bullshit. Real life rules. And so does Diamond Dave.

Posted by Victor at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

Another Hallmark holiday, another day of finding a tie that corresponds with the holiday color. The time to give flowers, candy and stuffed animals in the office so as to rub it into the face of the other unloved workers. It's always fun to sit in the breakroom and hear the gossip of others bitch about how so-and-so got flowers. I give a hearty "harumph" to that nonsense. Y'all American girls have it easy. You get to sit back and get gifts. Seems that the marketing execs in Japan and Korea are a bit better than the ones in the US. Valentine's Day in the Far East has become a much more expensive day:

From Wikipedia:

Thanks to a concentrated marketing effort, Valentine's Day has emerged in Japan and Korea as a day on which women, and less commonly men, give candy, chocolate or flowers to people they like. This has become an obligation for many women. Those who work in offices end up giving chocolates to all their male co-workers, sometimes at significant personal expense.

Take THAT, women. But, alas, it wouldn't be fair to force women to such harsh ways. So, again, the marketing execs in Asia came up with White Day, which is celebrated on March 14. On "White Day", all the men who received presents and gifts reciprocate with white chocolate, marshmellows and the such. Again, those fucking Japs are ingenious, as cheap men are easily rooted out. You can't wait for the Valentine Day shit to go on sale as it's all red; you give out some punk-ass dark chocolate or red candies...well you're gonna be sitting on the floor eating sushi all by yourself.

But, those sneaky execs ain't done. In Korea, they realized that, hey, what about the losers who got zilch? Well, they came up with "Black Day", which is celebrated on April 14. On this day, all the single people in South Korea get together and commiserate their un-dateableness by eating noodles together. Normally, in the US, we don't need a special day alotted to drowning one's loneliness in food and drink; it's a daily occurrence. But I guess those Koreans have a better grip on their psyche. Still, if I lived across the border from Crazy Kim, I guess I too would be focused on living every day to the fullest.

Posted by Victor at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well, as sure as chicken is might tasty, I reckon that many of y'all have missed my insightful and awesome blog. *crickets chirping* Fine, so my posts have sucked. But, I have taken a two/three week sabbatical to recharge my batteries. Just like George, it's like I've tasted the proverbial mango, and I'm BACK BABY!!! Will it work? Who knows, but the point is that Bert and and goat are having some good times. And, honestly, if an asshole like Bert can have a good time, them I'm sure, fellow readers, that we can have a good time, too. So, let's kick this shiznit off with a bang.

Things that piss me off:

1) People named Jonathan, James, Richard, Robert and William.
I'll admit, it's based somewhat on jealousy. My name is Victor. The most you could do with it is either go with Vic...or do what every jerkface in elementary...middle...high....and...sigh..college did...call me Vicki/Victoria. People named Richard and Robert have a MILLION options. It's no fucking fair. I mean...let's just take a gander:
Richard - Rick, Ricky, Dick, Dicky, Rich, Richie
Robert - Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, Roberto
James - Jim, Jimmy, Jamey, Jimbo
Jonathan - John, Jon, Jack, Johnny
William - Will, Willie, Bill, Billy
Well, I may be stretching a few of them, but still, you are given a name. If your parents wanted to name you Bob, they would have called you Bob! It's Robert DeNiro...not Bobby DeNiro. Hell, where the do you white people come up with Dick from Richard and Jack from John? Bah! My paw named me Kang Herng-Chin, and there's no two ways to pronounce that!
2) Animals who don't accept free food
Technically, I guess, all food is free for animals as they don't technically have a monetary system. But, I mean free as in, I am giving you a piece of my sausage biscuit because I am feeling philanthropic. So the other day, even though it was about...oh say 42 degrees outside, I had to go to an escrow agent to complete a closing. The escrow agent's office opens at 9, I amazingly enough got there early and decided to get some breakfast. Well, their office is in one of those huge towers/business parks where they try to make you forget that you are at a menial job by having those stupid man-made lakes. You know, how they call them "campuses", just because it is located away from downtown and there's a fucking lake/fountain with lots of trees doesn't make it any nicer. Anywho, so in this "campus", the bottom floor of the 40 story building is an in-house cafeteria. Got me a nice sausage biscuit and some grits with sawmill gravy. Decide to sit outside and enjoy the scenery. Truth be told, it's was pretty nice, and yes, it's much better than my view of the Wendy's on Peachtree Street. Anywho, my original point was that animals should accept my free food. There was a couple of ducks and some sparrows (or some sort of songbird). I threw a bit of biscuit here and there (no sausage...I may be generous...but I ain't stupid). Alas, nary a bird partook in my free offerings. I mean, come on...it's bread....your kind lives for that shit! If I recall correctly, when you walk into a flock of birds with a loaf of bread, it's like being in Mardi Gras with a bunch of plastic beads. Bedlam ensues. Boobs......Anywho...it's a helluva lot better tasting than grubs and whatever seeds you'll be eating for lunch. It's like those dogs that bug you like crazy cuz you got some human food. Then when you offer then a piece of your baloney sammich, they turn their nose at you. Baloney, my canine friend, is an amalgam of pork, chicken, beef, zebra and whale. How can you argue against that?

Posted by Victor at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Sure, it's just January, but it's never too early to start. And as a man who'd I work under any day said "Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin and -- yes, I know it’s January, I am not an idiot -- but if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don’t have to do in spring? Anything…" So stick that in your pipe and smoke it! I've noticed that posting humorous entries for my adoring masses is hard to do when you walk around all day grumbling and harrumphing about the fucking cold weather, a seemingly dead-end job, and of course, being the miserable person I normally am. It's hard to get insightful or funny ideas when a day consists of

6;45 Snooze Button
7:00 Wake up
8:00 Wake up officially
8:10 Traffic
9:10 Coffee
12:30 Lunch at desk
7:00 Traffic
7:45 Wendy's value menu, Sam's Choice Coke
9:00 ESPN or Girls Gone Wild commercials
10:00 Cheap scotch
11:00 Sleep

Awesome....while life is probably a BIT more exciting then that, this schedule above has definitely been a reality for more times than necessary. And in my defense, that Girls Gone Wild commercial was only on in the background while I was washing dishes. And no, washing dishes ain't some euphimism for quality alone time. Although, I guess it could be.....if your penis resembles a plate. But let's do some cleaning. Some writing exercise I found online said that you should sit and stare and a blank wall, and just type words as they come to your mind. Kind of like, I dunno, stream of consciousness. And whatever words come out, they are either nuggets of wisdome, or things that you should not ever mention again. Either way, its supposed to be some sort of mental laxative that cleanses out the mind. I personally always thought cheap booze did it...but here goes (pardon the spelling and expletives):

This is stupid...not getting anything done..aste of time...carbon paper tic tacs bruce pearl is a tool...phone sounds like some stupid bird....frozen pizza...florida gators suck...peyton manning's nose...24....Geneva...stupid frencman piss me off...ugly betty...yellow hihgliter...nipply...white noise...white lion...finger bang...ty cobb...malcom x...mullet possiblities...tax returns...pelosi blinks...chapped lips scrabble eggs...starbucks realy annoys me...seinfled's pretty funny...family feud..peterman rules as new host....voice mail...poptarts with forsting...fat people...blumpkin...jessica biel...aloe vera....gateway...lords of rings....pay cingular...staple gun...special k...wheel in the sky...whisky river...sprained ankle...smurfette...huey lewis was pretty fukcing good....make like a tree and leave...jigowats....cooter

Well. That was....interesting. Not sure what, if any use that 2 minutes was, but reading what I've typed..well. Nothing terribly scandalous. To end on a random note:

Posted by Victor at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments