As everybody knows, Final Countdown is one of the greatest songs in the world. For those unfamiliar with such greatness, this song is one that is played at the end of any close sporting event and GOB's theme from Arrested Development. And, of course, it is always one of my ringtones that never fails to get the ladies excited.Submitted for your approval is this amazing version of said great song. Europe, who sang Final Countdown, was from Sweden. So, it seems that they are seen as gods among the Scandinavians and Vikings. For a fledgling Swedish garage band, covering Final Countdown is probably like trying to play Stairway to Heaven or Sweet Home Alabama. You ain't a band til you've tried to cover them. Of course, I'm assuming they are Swedes due to their accent, but just take a gander and you'll be amazed at their talent. Just a warning, if you watch this at work, be prepared to muffle some laughter as words cannot describe how absolutely horrendous the singer is. I mean, I'm no Pavarotti, but I think after a few scotches and a throat-punch from Tim, I would still sound better. But, man, you gotta give these kids credit. They do it for the music. Just click the PLAY button and enjoy.

Posted by Victor at 2:03 AM | Permalink | Comments

Dear Friends:

Recently, I have received a letter that was both insulting and frightening. In the most professional tone of voice, an individual has attacked my good name and good judgment. My next course of action is uncertain, but for your review, attached is the aforementioned letter. The full names and personal information have been redacted as to allow privacy for the individual who has thusly attacked me in such a mature and eloquent fashion. Click on the image for a larger view.

Blogger's note - All mock seriousness and anger aside, that was a great letter. I don't know if Tim just told his secretary to "Betsy, please respond with this general notion Braves SUCK!" and she did the rest, or if he sat there with a thesaurus. And he is very correct: that actually is the correct rule 1.02 of the official rules of baseball. With all this effor the spent, I fear a bill following said letter for services provided. Either way, that was the most professionl and classiest way I've ever been told that my team sucks. Well played, sir. Kudos to you.

Posted by Victor at 5:51 PM | Permalink | Comments

An alcoholism self-test I found. Apparantly, I am in the early stage. Some of these questions are terrible. If these online tests have any truth or veracity, I'd have to think our entire law school class should have just went straight into Alc-Anon. Question 3 is just outright bull. Bah...I need a drink. Oh, and to chase the slow-day blues away, this is good for a laugh. http://www.drunkornot.com/


To test whether alcohol is a problem for you, answer "YES" or "NO" to this series of questions.

1.Do you occasionally drink heavily after a disappointment, quarrel or rough day?

YES NO

2.When under pressure, do you always drink more heavily than usual?

YES NO

3.Can you handle more liquor now than when you first started drinking?

YES NO

4.On the "morning after," have you been unable to remember part of the evening before--even though friends say you didn't pass out?

YES NO

5.When drinking with others, do you try to have a few extra drinks when they won't know it?

YES NO

6.Are there certain occasions when you feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?

YES NO

7.When you start drinking, are you in more of a hurry to get the first drink than you used to be?

YES NO

8.Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?

YES NO

9.Are you secretly irritated when friends or family discuss your drinking?

YES NO

10.Have you experienced memory blackouts more frequently?

YES NO

11.Do you often want to drink more after friends have had enough?

YES NO

12.Do you usually have a reason for occasions when you drink heavily?

YES NO

13.When sober, do you often regret things you've done or said while drinking?

YES NO

14.Have you tried to control your drinking by switching Brands or following different plans?

YES NO

15.Have you often failed to keep promises about controlling your drinking?

YES NO

16.Have you tried to control your drinking by changing jobs or moving?

YES NO

17.Do you try to avoid family or friends while drinking?

YES NO

18.Are you having an increasing number of financial and work problems?

YES NO

19.Do more people seem to be treating you unfairly without reason?

YES NO

20.Do you eat very little or irregularly when drinking?

YES NO

21.Do you sometimes have the morning "shakes" and relieve them with a drink?

YES NO

22.Are you unable to drink as much as you once did?

YES NO

23.Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?

YES NO

24.Do you sometimes feel very depressed and wonder whether life is worth living?

YES NO

25.After drinking, do you ever see or hear things that aren't there?

YES NO

26.Do you get terribly frightened after drinking heavily?

YES NO


Did you answer "YES" to any of these questions?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you have some symptoms that may indicate alcoholism.

"Yes" answers to three or more questions in various categories indicate the following stages of alcoholism:

Questions 1 to 8: Early stage.

Questions 9 to 21: Middle stage.

Questions 22 to 26: Beginning of Final stage.

Posted by Victor at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

When it hits, you know it. All those purple nurples have finally gotten to you. As Enrique Iglesias plays in the background, you realize that it's that dreaded time. Wee-wee. Golden river. Jellyfish sting-be-gone. Man's best friend. Sigh. Wheneven nature calls, it's right when you're grinding with this cute Itali...well..Indian? who cares...he's hot. Say bonjourno to Raj as your next date is with the long line in front of the ladies' room. How many times have you club-hopping, Smirnoff Ice-drinking, tight...tight black pants wearing ladies had to cut short a night of teasing gullible guys to visit Old Mother Hubbard. (Whatever, all I know is that it's a euphamism for the toilet in MY book.) Too many bumps from trying to perch an eagle on your 5' stilletos? Stall neighbor doesn't have a spare to square? Well, fear no longer.....introducing...



Thaaaaat's right ladies! Now you, too, can stand up to pee, just like us lizard-drainers. Who wants to mess with the hassle of long lines when you can just lift up the skirt and go to town! Yes, this amazing Lady Loo will make squatting and quadru-plying a thing of the past! But....there's more! Now some of you are asking, "Vic, what about toilet paper? A lady needs to stay fresh!" As my daddy used to say, "Son, keep your dern pants on."
BOOOOO-YAH!!! Now you can tell those asshole French neighbors that you HAVE had the pleasure of the bidet. What's better than a clean refreshing shower so that you'll feel great all night long! Say goodbye, stinky britches! So never miss that dope Luda song again! Lady loo....what a rush!

Blogger's note - I apologize in advance for the previous message. Feminine hygiene is a serious issue that is neither funny nor amusing. Nothing at all. Those who laugh are immature and need to grow up........feminine wipes....uh-huhhuhhuh.

Posted by Victor at 8:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hope everyone has a good Easter and doesn't fill up on too much of the sweet candies or have any egg-hunt related injuries. I'm sorry, but Cadbury eggs are just plain nasty. The words "candied" and "yolk" should never be in the same sentence. Same with peeps. Let's add marshmellows and food coloring! Genius! I don't know why, but of all holidays, I have to say that Easter provides the most disgusting of candies and treats.

Posted by Victor at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

Just to rub it in to certain people in that state over yonder, I will do a quick recap of the exciting events of Opening Day for the Braves!

1) I missed about 4 innings of the game as traffic is horrendous. Then, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the highway to Athens. I'm not very smart.

2) Parking at the stadium sucked, but we got lucky and parked in a free lot. We also got to deal with some very bitchy girls who claimed they couldn't back out due to where I was parked. Yep, they were in some huge SUV that they shouldn't be driving. Luckily, my car was neither harmed nor hindered, and all was good.

3) Stadium beer line. Almost 30 minutes. Almost worth $6.50. Next time, I'll remember to bring my Kang's Klassic Kocktail - Half Coke, half Early Times in a nice 1 Liter Coke bottle. Security guards are none the wiser. "Lift up your cap, sir." Sure thing, officer, b/c that's where I normally store my explosives, knives and other pointy objects. Next to my head. All I know is that the Kocktail (right, like I'm going to use the acronym) gets pretty nasty around the 7th inning when the Coke is warm, right Grayson?

4) Whilst in the beer line, we bumped into our bartender from the local watering hole. His name is Wes, and he made me my first (and last) Manhatten. Ugh. Not sure what knowing your bartender means, but perhaps the word I'm looking for rhymes with "gualcholic".

5) Andi and her beer line had a much better story. Seems that the girl in front of her, who was about 16-17, decided to stand the whole time in hopes of getting a beer. I wasn't made aware of whether said high-schooler was hot or not, but I have to assume she was, because when she was up, she didn't even have a fake ID. I don't know what was going on in her head other than possibly "Well, I'm a hot cheerleader and half my boobs are hanging out, so I bet this 80-year old beer man will pop a geezer-chubby and let me buy beer with no ID." Alas, the old man stuck true to the Beer Man's Code of Honor and denied her. Her next course of action? What ALL girls do when they don't get what the want, she started to cry. Wow. Now, I've cried in the past when I noticed the bottle was empty, but that's a different story. And yes, I said ALL girls. Nyah!

6) Apparantly, it was Big Hooter's Night at Turner. I'll leave it at that so as to not piss off those one or two ladies who still tolerate me despite my previous statement.

7) Jeff Francoeur is a piece of shit. Not only is his nickname "Frenchy", but he plays like a Frenchman: stinking and losing all the time. He's never seen a pitch he doesn't like, and to make matters worse, people still cheer for him. The whole time at the game, some sorority chicks behind me were talking about how hot he is. All I can say is that his goofy smile seems to say "Hyuck...you sher's purty." I don't get it. Seems people like him b/c he's from the area and is attractive. I guess his .061 batting average is irrelevant.

8) Boy, I really do love some baseball. Got more free tickets to Thursday's game (Thanks Rach!). Gonna try to make it to one of the Padres games so that McKie can get a schedule magnet. I'm still debating about going to the games solo, but I'm thinking I can drag or bribe somebody to go (yeah, I don't have many friends...). But, anytime y'all want to go to a game, just call me up and I'm there. Go Braves!

PS - Yeah, I realize I've done a couple of posts where it's just me describing my boring daily life. Sorry, but the ol' creativity bone ain't too good recently. I promise we'll get back to more inane and random observations instead of these "This is what I did today and you should care because I'm a pretentious asshole" posts.

Posted by Victor at 11:11 AM | Permalink | Comments

As part of my spring cleaning, I decided to give ole TC a good and thorough cleaning. The artifacts that was found only brought up great memories of stupid Victor moments that will forever go down in infamy. Amongst the objects found and some anecdotes that accompany said objects:

1) The cane - AKA Hippie Buster - Yes, the very cane that many a jobless hippie feared. The one that was pointed at vigorously during Homecoming 2004 when just a few too many people were acting insolent and disrespectful. The same cane that was violently wacked upon Joseph Boyels back for no apparent reason other than me being very, very intoxicated. I don't know what comes over me, but when I grab ahold of that cane, I just spout out the most heinous things that shant be repeated here. But, all that matters is that you sir, need to get a job.

2) $6.99 for 8 pieces of chicken and four biscuits at Popeye's - I was so fucking stoked to grub down on some chicken. Alas, the expiration date was 1/31/06, and a couple of tears were shed. I still got my chicken, but no discount was to be had.

3) Long strand of black hair - It was about 12 inches long. Now, it might possibly be mine during my hippy "refuse to stop looking like an asshole and get a haircut" days. It could also be the hair from all the various tail that I'm pulling in. I'll let you decide which one is more plausible of an explanation. Sigh.

4) Burned CD entitled "Music to Annoy My Friends" - After popping it in, the best I can tell about the date of making the CD was sometime after I first heard "Still Loving You" by the Scorpions. I think this was the CD I made with the purpose of angering Tim and Britt. Songs on this masterpiece of a CD include "Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy, "Head Games" by Foreigner, "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff, "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd, and of course, "Final Countdown" by Europe. I think Tim did say "I fucking hate you" as a result of said CD. And boy, it was worth it.

5) Flask - My handy dandy flask smelled strongly of 100 Pipers. For those that tasted it, 'nuff said.

6) Pack of Ice Breakers Ice Cube gum - Damn you Hilary! This gum was totally sucky and I denounce your abilities as a corporate schill. But, I still find you (now legally) attractive and have no other problems with you other than weighing about 80 lbs and not returning my letters. Stop doing coke, dagnabbit!

7) Lastly, Piggy - My unoriginal name for a little pig that I won at Dave and Busters when the Graysons and Kev were hanging out in Atlanta. He was to be the friend of Chauncey, but he just couldn't hang. For those that ask, Chauncey was my great friend who I met during spring break. He has an MD and is a fucking cock-block as he won't hesitate to steal the chick you're working on. And he also has no respect for strippers. What an asshole. He's survived a couple of assassination attempts (cough cough TIM) and still lives to ask if you'd like a free mustache ride. He's a great doctor as his diagnosis for any situation? RAAAR! And he'd then bite your head off in the most professional manner. All in all, he's everything I'd like to be: a gentleman and a scholar.

Posted by Victor at 8:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

Sometimes, you just don't have enough material to make a decent post. Some from the peanut gallery will assert that I've NEVER had enough to make a halfway decent post. Irregardless, here are just short musings and anecdotes that shall pass as one entry.

1) Gin and tonic, good. Vodka and tonic, good. Scotch and tonic....eh, not so good. I thought I could extend my scotch by mixing it with some tonic. Well, let's just say that I've never experienced a golden shower, but I'd have to assume that this filthy mix was close enough.

2) Man, I am so glad baseball season is back. Sure, it's gonna last till October, but hey, you really can't beat sitting in traffic for an hour while listening to Skip and Pete as the sun shines brightly on your pasty skin. It ain't heaven, but it's darn near close. Sadly, even if as I type this, Smoltzy is pitching like a drunken koala bear with one arm. Grrr.

3) No matter how hard you clench your fist and FEEL the lyrics, girls do not find it attractive to sing your heart out to the Scorpions. Even lyrics as "powerful" and "creative" as these get no love:

I'm still loving you.
I'm still loving you,
I need your love.
I'm still loving you.
Still loving you, baby...

Sure, it's not touching like Journey, but come on, did you SEE how I used the steering wheel as a mike?

4) An anonymous friend in Atlanta managed to out-pervert me. As we sat on the porch enjoying the weather and a fine beverage, she inferred that the first thing she thought about when she moved in to her aparment was about how she could manage to do it on the porch. Yes, I admit that while I may have pondered how to do the horizontal mambo in various rooms of a new apartment, I've never pondered the feasibility of makin' bacon on the porch. But, the point is that the premise of putting the spoon in the batter on the porch raises an interesting legal question. The porch is considered your property, so would it be public indecency to be driving the car into the garage on said porch? All you lawyer-types ponder this. Assuming the porch is an extension of your private property, why not? You can walk around naked in your house with the blinds open, so why not the porch? Discuss amongst yourselves. Or try it.

5) While waiting in line at the gas station, the lady ahead of my wanted to purchase a pack of smokes. Even though the attendant didn't ask for her ID, the lady offered, nonetheless. Now, the lady was about...oh...say 55 years old. She was the epitome of the "I'm still not a day over 18" types. Spaghetti straps and short shorts that showed every varicose vein and tanning-booth inch of her body. I felt bad for her as the attendant essentially said "No, I don't have to check your ID. I can tell how old you are." It reminds me of the day I turned 21 and i went to legally acquire some beer. Damn guy didn't WANT my ID. I tried to show him, but seems he was more interested in watching the Full House rerun on his black-and-white. I couldn't really fault him though. Who amongst us can resist the swarthy charm of Uncle Jesse? Not I.

And finally, the picture that has no point other than to make me giggle like a little school girl.

Just look at the conviction in his face! Hulkster MEANS it!

Posted by Victor at 9:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

I never thought I'd get to say this, but I think I'm actually truly happy and in love! Oh, it was just like those romance movies that I watch every night as I cry myself to sleep. Where you see that special girl and your eyes meet, and it's just magic! Think of all the cliches about love, and you can apply to me. Head over heels. On cloud 9. Walking in the clouds. Um, dancing with pretty ponies. Etc...etc. Cupid's arrow, although a couple months late, still struck with deadly and piercing accuracy. It's not some crush, but it's the real deal.

So I know y'all are asking, "what's the story?" Well, after an amazing day at work where I didn't make a single mistake and totally kicked ass, I decided to get some grub. As I was shopping for some baked chicken, I bumped into this beautiful Asian girl. We connected immediately as she said that she liked my hat. Now, it didn't matter that she didn't know if the A stood for Alabama or Atlanta, but the fact is that she liked it. Even though she said baseball's stupid and that Alabama is a terrible state. Opposites attract, right? She asked what I did for a living, and she really didn't care other than how much I made. She also told me that I talked too "white", and boy was she right! She was everything that I wanted in a girl. Superficial, all Asian-pride, spoiled and not giving a rat's patoot about any of my interests! Being in love is great! Screw Journey as I realize that stuff is for losers! I'd write more, but I'm gonna call her up again for the 20th time and hopefully we can hold hands while watching Gilmore Girls on DVD! =) =) =) =) !!!!!!












Geez folks....look at the date....please. If I ever sound like that, feel free to give me a boot up the ass or any appropriate physical attack. And for those that couldn't at least realize all the obvious contradictions, then, well, give me a call b/c I guess we really have lost touch with each other.

Posted by Victor at 1:59 AM | Permalink | Comments